A Re-evaluation of my character in regards to sexual liberation

Hello.

For the last few weeks I’ve been having a fairly serious yet, also fairly mild psychotic episode, where I hear voices talk about my erstwhile lovers among other things in regards to my person or others.

One thing they seem to mention a lot is that my ex, Ina, cheated on my at every occasion she had while and when I was able to briefly meet her when she came to visit me in America.

To my knowledge, on every occasion we were not an “official” couple. There were no titles, and I know when she came to visit me in Boston she had broken up with me because she went to New York first, with a friend of hers, trying to meet some guy from India that, again, I recall, didn’t take the hint.

Over and over again they talk about her sexual exploits, as if I’m supposed to be offended, knowing damn well when I was young dumb and full of cum I would have loved to talk nasty with her over MSN messenger with my dick in my hand stroking my shit until kingdom come.

Although I grew up conservative christian, deep down I’ve always been highly sexual. What I’ve learned about my weight gain is that I don’t perform coitus at the level I’d like to because having so much more weight on my body bring quicker exhaustion.

All this to say the voices in my head keep talking about homosexuality, or urging me to be homosexual or come out of the closet.

Allow me to set the scene.

When my psychosis first started I met a man that went by the name of “The White Rhino” also known as Al Chase. Back then I was on 4 different medication: Prolixin, Geodon, Ativan, and Cogentin. For the most part it all would just knock me out, or at least leave me a bit slower than I am today.

Al wasn’t necessarily a bad guy, but he did take advantage of me. Now I say that loosely, because I was still in my 20’s and just maybe too trusting or over medicated.

Fast forward to a baseball game and I told Al “oh I get horny when people touch my lap” and he touched my lap. That didn’t clock to me at the time because I wasn’t attracted to him, why would I be? He was an obese old white guy and I identified as a heterosexual male, and I still do, but I look back at that now and go “oh, he was trying to turn me on.”

We find our way back to a back alley in his car in Savin Hill and this dude leans in to kiss me and honestly I have no idea what was going on in my head but I started kissing him back, my pants come off and he starts sucking my dick. I don’t ejaculate. I remember feeling like there was a wall in the left side of my skull and if I ejaculated I would break through it to some other plane of existence. I never broke through that wall. I’m not even curious about what could be on the other side.

Dropping me off at the bottom of my street Al hollered “be gay! you’ll thank me later!” and as the voices go on and on about coming out I seriously sit here and think about it, what the fuck would be there to be thankful for? I’m not in the business of tricking people to get in bed with me, I’m also not in the business of paying for things of being punished fro things via my asshole.

I always come back to this point of homosexuality. I think I have so much trouble with it because I don’t want to be a homosexual man, I don’t pursuer romantic relationships with men, I’m being driven mad about thoughts of a woman and as far as me “knowing myself” is concerned, I only like women. Yeah I can admit if a man is attractive, yes, having my dick sucked by a dude is a bad hit, but if I could be given grace for that, I just want to make it clear that I choose not to pursue a homosexual lifestyle.

You don’t have to let me live it down but now that I’m years away from that moment in time I wonder if I even had the option to do things differently. Or if I resounded with anger if I’d have an even bigger complex about this thing.

I like to talk about and explore ideas around sex and sexuality freely, but I think a take away from that is that other people exploring the same ideas would be or could be turned on, hot and heavy, and mistake me freely expressing my mind and interests as an invitation to get hot and heavy.

The past is the past and that won’t change but I had to write something because everyday there’s some new story or repetitive message in my brain about man on man intimate relations and I don’t know how to turn that shit off lmao

SEX WITH A DOG?!

The voices in my head have been raking me on a wild ride recently, and while I don’t want to mention any names what I’m hearing now is one of my co-workers at Close to Home, “H-Bomb” had or would rather have sex with a dog than with- ??? Someone else???

Me?

Who?

Him?

Her?

This aint shit that I would even attempt to sit and ponder about. There’s just been this messy back and forth about people being “turned all the way up” and “coming out of the closet” for god knows how long and while I’m not the architect of any of these deviant ideations I am, somehow, the subject or victim of them.

Gone are the days of just repeated messages, now the voices tell me they are in court trying to get to the bottom of who really is “Daniel Fairclough.”

Weird.

(Un)happy New Year

What’s good in the hood party people in the place to be?

First and foremost, Happy New Year, 2026!

I have been battling with a bout of psychosis that seems to have shown its face over the holiday and I do not know why. I think I asked my doctor to increase the dose of my medication but I don’t think I picked that up. I think it’s still 10mg when it should be 15. Either way that’s a quick fix, just a message in MyChart, or I have the pills behind my TV with other surplus pills from when I wasn’t taking my medication. I did this to myself I suppose…

What’s new what’s new what’s new…

Apparently I was sexually assaulted while I was black out drunk? According to the voices in my head, but the people that were party to the plot are no longer persons in my life so, I have to move on whether that did or did not happen. Had I known I doubt my life would change significantly. And, it’s not like, I got fucked up the butt, just that someone tried to give me a blowjob and I didn’t get it up. Oh well.

Been buying a ton of games recently, don’t know when I’ll get the chance to play but I got the games. I’m also planning on getting the Steam Machine whenever that releases. I think I will use that and substitute it for a desktop PC.

Japanese lessons are slow going but, nonetheless, going, and that reminds me I need to do a Duolingo activity before the day is over cause I don’t have any more streak freezes…

Alright aside from all of that, life isn’t really bad, I just have to figure out a way to come out on top of these voices. The most obvious answer is to take stronger medication, if I have that. I just keep revisiting my ex in my mind without wanting to, she’s just the subject of my madness and although I’ve done everything in my power to prove to her that my feelings are true, that doesn’t mandate that she returns them. I understand that, completely, so I don’t understand why the voices in my head won’t let me move on. Why can’t I just forget?

Ah well.

I will sedate myself I suppose.

Peace Out Girl/Boy Scouts, I hope your new year started off better than mine!

X-Mas 2025

What’s up party people in the place to be? Hope you had a good year, mine had a few ups and downs but I’m happy to report, mostly ups.

I still have psychosis about my ex. I close my eyes and see her fornicating with men whose faces are always hidden. Men I will never know, and they bring up this feeling as if it hurts my heart. Logically, and with enough time I can go “oh but we were on a break,” “oh we weren’t together” but maybe I’m reeling because I feel like for as much love and kindness and tenderness that I was willing to give, whatever sacrifice I thought I was ready to make, I still wasn’t chosen, and a decade later, I still haven’t been chosen, at least not for marriage, the nuclear family.

But in a previous post I told you all that I’ve found a new partner, and that’s true, we’re taking it slow. She’s dealing with a lot and I’m relearning to have confidence in myself.

It’s kind of crazy what avoiding romance and getting a bit fat will do to you, what it will do to your psyche.

But in the immortal words of the rapper Action Bronson: “I might not be able to touch my toes, but I will still fuck these hoes.” Lmao

Moving on from the sad stuff life is good, I’m tremendously grateful and nervously excited about my future. I can also feel that in my stomach, Hope for a better life, a fresh start, a new beginning.

Art is being worked on.

I’m appreciated for what I do and who I am.

I might not have been the one for her but who I am now seems to be fine for everyone else, so I won’t let one love lost get me and further down than it already has.

Everything’s coming up Dan!

And that’s all I have to say.

Maybe I’ll make a list of my favorite games in 2025, just to give me something to do.

Later gators!

Peace, Love, and Coffee Mugs.

Catch you in the next one!

Growing Pains pt.2

I was taking a shower a few minutes ago and I was reconciling with what I think is another lost friend, another lost love.

Chalk it up to growing pains but I stopped myself from “hardening my heart” and considering that eventually, everyone will leave me.

They say “you’re born alone, you die alone” sure, but as we grow up, and grow older, why can’t we do that arm in arm, and grow with love and understanding for one another?

Like my biggest dream is to have a giant party with all of my friends!

And then I think about politics, the situation here in America, while even with populist talking points we still have white supremacy and xenophobia.

I don’t know, maybe the country is cooked?

Maybe this is just not the right time, or place for my lofty ideals.

But I’m still sad.

A lot of things in life are going good for me, I got a girlfriend recently, but this still feels like a rug was pulled out from under me.

And to this person I think I’ve lost, I haven’t confirmed, this person that thinks they know better than people that have studied politics and frequently talk about it. This person that encouraged me to “do my own research.” This person that I told “we’re living in different realities.”

For them to take that sentence, that end of a conversation and then swear me off, what were we?

Was that always the goal?

Is that just what happens when you leave Massachusetts? You pretend or forget that you ever knew anyone there?

What about when you wanted me to visit you? Does that invitation still stand?

I assume it doesn’t.

And I hate that I feel so deeply for things that apparently were only skin deep, superficial.

I told you I loved you and I meant that, in any capacity.

But alas, such is life.

C’est la vie, as they say.

Rhyme Time

What’s up party people in the place to be

it’s ya-boi

the one and only,

Ya Homie D!

I’m rhyming today

Cause I got nothing to say

and my psychosis is ailing me in a crazy way!

Everything else is great

I pay my bills on time

but I’m still trying to figure out how to fit my ex girlfriends name in a rhyme!

And I only say that cause she’s the subject of my madness

I wish I could kick her out of my head like I’d kick a bad habit!

Either way I’m rhyming today

but honestly what else is there to say?

I watch YouTube and twitch

been playing a lot of Pokemon

went on a date, with a chick!

Hoping next time I’ll get my rocks off!

I saw the bbno$ [pronounced:baby no money]

stream with all the cosplay pokemon

and I gotta say I was impressed!

lemme get the phone numbers of ivysaur and farfetch’d 😉

____________________________________________________

Just had to get that out of my system. If you hated it, I challenge you to do better.

Until we meet again!