Thank God

What’s up party people in the place to be?

I was thinking to myself before I started writing this that I wasn’t going to talk about the election, but how can I not?

I remember thinking voting for Biden was “settling” but after the tumultuous wait to see who’s be elected it brought to me a wave of joy and relief. That’s not only for myself but also for many of my seniors and peers.

It’s crazy to think that this nation could be so divided, and even crazier still that we had someone in office stoke those flames, but as much as it’s time for America to “heal” I also see some people of not the same people celebrating, also advocating to hold these people in power accountable, to hold them to their word and demand the real change we want and need to see.

NOW THAT THATS OUT OF THE WAY: I want to make more art. I want to pass my classes and I want a better paying job or a raise at my current job. I love my job by the way, but I feel like I’m stuck, scholastically and artistically.

I could be working on my 4th and 5th book, a photo book with prose dotted in between, but I keep telling myself I’ll do that when I get a new MacBook or something.

Right now the focus is most definitely on school but I can’t help but feel like I’m failing. I don’t have the best track record with education but at least I’m trying? I talk to this lady at my job and she reminds me that life is hard and working 40 hours a week and taking classes even if it’s just one is no walk in the park. I talk to friends and they tell me it’s easy to just get down on yourself but you can’t give up, I’m just not sure how I can clear this fog, so to speak. I feel like there are a lot more things I would prefer to focus on but at the same time maybe I’m trying to live up to other people’s expectations? And it’s the same image everyone has of me, that I’m a bright young man destined to do great things as long as I keep plugging away with my nose to the grindstone.

It feels good to say/type out and I can’t believe I have the “but what if I’m not” feeling after reading that. We are our own worst critic after all.

One last thing before I stop writing: I had a friend that called me out on a post I made to my Instagram a few mo the back. I recently unfollowed him because he’s politically pessimistic and I see his words more than I see him taking action for the change he wants to see. My mom used to say “they’re are people in your life for reasons or seasons” and while I can stomach opposing political views what I can’t stomach is someone who whines for the sake of whining instead of getting up the nerve to email a politician or speak to their government about injustices they feel are happening around them. I guess I wish we could’ve agreed to disagree and I could’ve help him make an action plan or take the next steps to the world he would like to live in. Sad to see’em go but love to see’em walk away they say. Anyway just had to get that off my chest.

Theres more fragmented thoughts in my brain but I’m gonna end it here.

Stay beautiful and be the change you want to see in the world.

I mean that.

Today is my Birthday

Like this title suggests, today is my birthday. I’m 32 years old today, my how time flies.

I chose to come to work today what with COVID-19 and all there isn’t exactly much to do if you’re obeying CDC guidelines about the virus.

It’s a calm birthday, not one with friends and copious alcohol, but a birthday about peace and reflection, at least that’s how I see it.

A while back this girl I knew called me “slow,” and yesterday it was really hitting me. I figured since I’m not at pace to have already graduated college it must be true, regardless of anything else I’ve done that disproves that simple statement. I was really beating myself up about it but the feeling has passed for now. But while I’m here talking about it I mean, what I’ve chosen isn’t my initial dream, but my “dream” doesn’t pay the bills. I could start all over again in a course that would be far easier for me to complete but what’s the point when I’m twisted and warped my “dream” to get to where I am today so that I can stand proudly at the foundation of my success.

I’ve seen and learned a lot in 32 years. Currently I’m at work, listening to “Black Privilege” by Charlamange the God on my ways to and from my desk, during my commute. I didn’t listen to the audio book today because I was still digesting the lessons of yesterday. It seems like everyone worth their salt has gone through some incredible struggle to get to where they are today. Everyone’s gone through the highs and the lows and right now my lows are low, but not as low as they could be. If anything, this is my ascent from rock bottom, given my history.

But it still sucks to feel, ya’know?

I’m not giving up, I can’t give up, not now anyway, maybe not ever. As opportunity sneaks past me I keep my nose to the grindstone honing my crafts minimally, yet diligently.

I learned recently that I can’t really get back to my “peak” as an artist because back then I was in a bad situation. I had no job, no money, and all I had was my art. Now I have a full time job, all the distractions that money can buy, and a career I’m chasing to help elevate my financial situation. The time isn’t there now but I feel like it’ll come around. I discovered this book about a woman that went back to art school in here 60’s and I’m like “yeah, seems legit.”

I was going to write about people out growing one another but I don’t have much to say.

In short, I feel as if I never grew up.

I hold fast to my “Dreams” and “goals” as if my life depended on them, the identity to who I am, and yet I watch around me as more and more of my friends have kids and not even the chance to “text back” from a message that came seemingly from nowhere. And I get it, I’m not exactly needy, but I think am I the only one that remembers the good times? I don’t live in the past but it sure would be nice to have friends in the present. And I do have friends just not a few that I grew up with, and noticing all of this well, it hurts.

I’ll survive but I’ll complain about it all I want too.

Anyway, here’s to being 32! Here’s to another year of hard lessons and good times! Here’s to being true to yourself and knowing your worth and following your dreams!

Palate Cleanser

What’s up party people in the place to be, it’s ha’ boy, Dan the Man, coming at you live and hotter than a Summer Friday as the school year starts up, one’ more’ gain.

I’ve been thinking about being creative. Reading poetry to inspire myself to write more poetry, examining the art of well developed artists on instagram, and I’m still at a loss for words, for inspiration. It only occurred to me just now that maybe that loss of inspiration, that empty pit, is what I can/could be writing about.

I have an audible account, and I’m going through the book “How to Own You Own Mind” by Napoleon Hill. It’s a lot like the book “Psycho-Cybernetics” which if I’m not mistaken, took inspiration from this same book to write, but it’s a self-help book, and I’m sick of self-help, so I bought with my ever increasing credits “Ready Player One” and pre-ordered “Ready Player Two.”

I’ve been thinking as I read this poetry, maybe I too can get inspiration from another writing source, another author, another text. Writing blogs is easy enough, infact as I type now I’m reminded of the stream of consciousness type blogs I used to write on Xanga so long ago and this is a good feeling, but I also feel like I have so much less to say. No talking, all action. Is it bad? I think it’s good that I’m taking action, captain of my own soul and so on and so fourth, but I don’t know, I don’t know if I’m “right” to do this, to be so in control? Like is there more I have to offer or will I start to be “doing too much” and crash and burn again trying to ramp up all the time.

I also apologize if you’ve seen my instagram full of books of poetry instead of doodles/sketches, reading is what I’m doing right now, just bare with me through about 20-30 more books and I’ll get back to regularly drawing.

Like I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, school is starting back up and I’m enrolled in classes. All online learning, I’m nervous about that as well, but I did study all summer so I’d be familiar with the material instead of lost in the dark skirting another failing grade. Wish me luck, please and thank you.

That’s all I have for today, at least I think so, I could probably write more BUT I WON’T, SO YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO TAKE THIS FOR WHAT IT IS!!!

I love you if you read this, and have a good day/night whatever and whenever you may be.

So I’ve been thinking...

What’s up party people in the place to be, this blog entry has been brewing for a few days now.

I was talking to a friend about the idea that “you could be doing more” or me feeling like I could be doing more and he brought up the idea that 9/10 times thoughts like that actually tend to be more demotivational than motivational.

And I’ve been doing my part, creatively. I’m not drawing too much right now but I am reading a new book of poetry every few weeks or so and I am working a Full Time job and finding times to study for the Fall Semester of 2020.

So I’m doing 3 things that happen to be major life choices and I guess it’s important to try not to put too much on my plate. That’s how I see it right now anyway.

Studying and work are all well and good but this poetry journey is something else entirely. I’ve so far been introduced to many new styles of poetry, comedic, historical reference, deliberately misspelled words/books and I’ve come to realize the freedom there is in modern poetry. Things are necessarily bound by rhyme but in that same freedom I wonder how much poetry beats on the same subject.

But maybe these subjects are so prominent in poetry because they are poetic in nature.

I’ve been documenting this journey on both of my instagram accounts with a review of the last book accompanying the new book I’m going to read.

The subjects that have the most repetition throughout books are nature, raising children, love/romance and affirmation/self-discovery.

I want to write a new book of poetry closer in style to modern poems I’m reading but I don’t know how near or far away that book is, financially.

Also my ad-campaign for my latest book “Lovers” gave me their results and out of like 1 millions impressions there were about 300 clicks so, that got the gears turning or at least oiled up for how to effectively advertise on social media.

All in all life isn’t bad, and this blog isn’t as politically charged as the last one but Black Lives Still Matter, they won’t ever not matter and I’m hoping I have to say that less rather than more often.

Anyway, that’s it for me for the month of August, if I feel the urge to write more or figure something else out, I will.

Either way, keep it classy and I’ll see you next time.

Thanks for reading, buh-bye!

*SIGH*

Another month has passed and another has begun, whats up party people in the place to be? It’s your sad and confused author, Dan the Man.

I’ve finally come to terms or, found the words to say or, have reached an emotional equilibrium with everything that’s happening in the United States and the world.

When it all started I was sad and afraid and now I find myself wanting to be informed and informing my peers on the history of African Americans in the US and the #BlackLivesMatter movement.

And you know it sucks, to be in the place you’ve always lived, all you’ve ever really known and have to think that you’re undesirable, unloved, looked down upon, purposefully made to be disenfranchised and have to work even if not doubly as hard as your other race peers for the chips that have been put on your shoulder.

I’ve been sad that all of this is happening and also afraid of what could happen to me, if I ever wanted to drive cross country or go visit a state with more than a little hostile law enforcement.

I like to think that my non-assuming demeanor would allow me to get away with a warning if ever I was in an altercation but look how they did Elijah McClain man, that kid wasn’t gonna hurt nobody.

I have a hard time watching the videos because after a while you might as well name is “American Snuff” or some shit, it horrible the way they do our people, and I think what’s even worse is that personally I feel like i have no idea what to do.

Yes go to protests.

Yes share information on social media.

But is that all I can do?

Is that enough?

So I struggle with that too, and while America might as well be a wonder of the world, because it’s a fucking wonder how we can have so much tension in one such country, I want to have hope that we will make it through, that we shall overcome.

But man, is having hope hard or is holding out hope hard?

And I’m tired, I’m exhausted, and the last thing I think this movement needs is “thoughts and prayers.”

It needs decisive action, working policies, to crack down on the “Bad apples,” shit like that man, a complete reform, defunding even.

I’m not an island in this and I know that there are many groups and organizations and individuals working for the change we want to see but lord do I feel like an island and LORD, I hope and pray this change comes soon.

Anyway, even if your feed goes “back to normal” #BlackLivesMatter mother fucker.

Don’t ever forget that.

With Everything that’s going on...

With everything that’s going on I’m almost surprised I haven’t had a lot of time to reflect. I suppose that reflection starts now.

I’ve been having a hard time processing everything, finding the words for things and ultimately expressing myself.

As a Black Man in America, when the riots started I wanted to run away from this country, just go somewhere else where I feel like I would be welcomed. That feeling has passed now but I still reflect on it.

With the pandemic, with the protests, how do we “go back to normal” or is there a “normal” worth going back to, worth striving for? The United Nations are going in investigate systemic racism in America. I say “What a time to be alive” but literally, this is crazy. Maybe not unheard of, as America is really a nation built on protests and revolts, but still, crazy.

I suppose for myself I’m having a bit of an identity crisis. With all the social media posts about being a black man that I didn’t share or petitions I chose to share but not sign, I wonder why this is all just so exhausting. If I could be a catalyst for change why do I feel so complacent, why am I scared? Why am I sticking to what I know rather than rushing into the great beyond of civil unrest.

I’ve gotten a lot of support at work. People that are happy to see me everyday, offering me a place to stay if going home feels unsafe, engaging in challenging dialogue and while many of these people are my senior, its reassuring.

Not everyone is racist.

Black Lives Matter.

I have a Black Life, I am at least co-owner of my body and soul,

And thank you to all my allies who are out fighting and protesting and speaking up for me, one who felt incapable of speaking.

I’d like to see these country progress and move forward. I’d like to not have to consider paying taxes as a double citizen. I’d like for that one friend that prints the numbers of white people being killed by cops vs black people being killed by cops to know that black men are still, for the amount of us in this country, DISPROPORTINATELY in jail or in the grave.

If I was a camel, all of this was the straw that broke my back ya’know?

Dave Chappelle wasn’t funny.

Protests have gone on for 23 days straight.

And I’m reflecting on all of my regrets, or at least unfavorable things I’ve done, and considering how quickly I’d be cancelled if I was ever a celebrity. Will I ever become a celebrity? Do I want to be a celebrity? Or are all of those talk shows I imagine just a flight of fancy?

Where am I going in America, am I making a difference or am I complacent?

Is my art contemporary or temporary?

Am I passionate or just passing the time?

And that’s me man, this is most of what’s been going on in my head.

Change has come, obviously, but at what cost?

Did it have to go this far to be brought about?

The answer, is obviously and resoundingly yes, but it’s sad to admit it.

I hope next month’s blog can be of a lighter note.

Quality of Life

Hey there hi there ho there neighborino and wandering eyes alike, it’s time for the monthly blog post. Maybe I increase the blog posting but we’ll see. It’s a stark contrast from when I was younger and beginning to question the world around me as to now where I just accept things as they are and focus on forging ahead with my own life plan.

That being said, I was talking to a friend yesterday about “manifesting” the life you want and achieving goals and then later in the same day I started reading a book, well, listening to a book because I’m using audible about the same topic.

I talked about it a little in my sketch yesterday as well, about how much I’ve put on my plate/my own pressure on myself and how that affects me moving forward but I guess I can get into a bit more details here.

Weight:

Along with my medication that has a risk of making me a diabetic or something like that I’ve gained a few pounds. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been probably due to my constant eating of McDonalds as my “1 MeAl A dAy” because it’s cheap, and money is tight, but ultimately not the best thing to digest. I’m still doing healthy things, like walking 30 minutes from the train station to my home and drinking a gallon of water a day but my job has a lot of sitting down, I’m not really on my feet as much as I used to be ESPECIALLY since the whole COVID-19 thing hit. Granted I am thankful that I’m still working but doing more to get to a caloric deficit while still feeling full after a meal, it sounds difficult, to me anyway. Either way what I’m going to do is start meal prepping, and my sister even offered to give me cooking lessons to help speed that along. I figure what I spend on food Mon-Fri I can probably spend at a grocery store and come out alright as long as I do it every week, and I think I already have a lunchbox somewhere in the house, but now I have to find it. All in all I just want to get back in shape, and stay in shape, instead of going up and down like I have been losing weight, gaining it back and ultimately going through that cycle over and over. Just want to get this done sooner rather than later.

School:

I’m still not a college graduate, and while I’m “GoInG aT mY oWn PaCe” I do feel like the rush or the urge to finish quickly has subsided. I love my job, as a sedentary as it is and they really appreciate me here in all that I do, so I’m not exactly eager to leave, however, I do want a bigger paycheck and I know that higher education can get me there, so! I’ve registered for classes this coming Fall Semester 2020, but I’m not eligible for financial aid. That means I’m taking that big stinking check from Daddy Trump and I’m using it to pay for school/classes. There are definitely, other things I could think of spending the money on but doing this makes me think and feel that I am serious about pursuing my degree. I’ve looked at all the back channels too, or a few of them at least, and everyone is asking for $300 or more to “Teach you to be a master” this that and another so I figure I’ll stay the course. I’ve been reading the textbook that I bought because I’m sure they’ll be using the same volume and doing the problems/questions when I can in hopes that I’ll catch up to what I’m bad at before the semester begins, that’s the plan for now anyway.

Art:

I’m accomplished, to say the least. I have 3 published books that I’ve written sharing a few illustrations and photography and now I look at my work, on my mountain and I sometimes still feel inadequate. So! I signed up for domestika since I saw a lot of ads for it and I plan to take some lessons in the near future. Self-education is really big ya’know? In this age of information and the internet you really can get what you want, albeit, sometimes if not all the time at a cost. I’m feeling like I can draw again though, feeling like I can make art with the best of them and for a long time I didn’t feel like I could compete with anyone! Still, I perservered and eventually fell out of that rut.

In the same vein of “Art” I think I’m a seasonal photography. I’ll take a picture when the weather is nice, during the day. I bought a camera that I need to take for a spin, and maybe, finally go through all my images and makea coffee table book? I don’t know, we’ll see.

MISC:

General thoughts about my past, what I can’t take back, and what I can do to shape my future into the best version and most successful version of myself I and the world has yet to see!

I’m excited as I write this blog entry, hopefully I have the same vigor in the next coming months.

Hope you're all social distancing and safe!

And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I’m an “Essential Worker” so I have to keep showing up to work, which isn’t anything I’m complaining about but watching the cul-de-sac with no activity gets boring.

Friday night I was so overwhelmed with boredom that I was unable to decide which activity to pursue! That being said it gave me some time to reflect on what I should prioritize, or whats “really important.”

So I’m pursuing my degree with a bit more “oomph.” I’m carrying my textbook with me to work so I can refresh my memory on chapters and homework past as I get ready for September. I figured I might as well do something now instead of going into a term, guns blazing and prepared to fail. My school even has a tutoring program setup online where you can virtually sign in and take lessons, so I may take advantage of that as well.

That being said, I usually go for a walk on Saturdays but there’s a lot for me to do in my own home. From Gundam kits to LEGO’s to a stack of some odd 50 poetry books to pour myself over I have project after project just piled up and waiting for me to sink my teeth into, but I’m trying not to do too much at once, and abandoning everything in the end. Poetry isn’t exactly hard to read however, at least I don’t think it is…

So, in conclusion I also want to start up again on this blog with the “Question of the day” type format, from “The Book of Questions” that I did WWWAAAAAYYYYY back when, and I thought I was going to do that right now but I might save it for tomorrow. Updating this blog once a month feels good and I’ve finally stopped feeling sorry for myself when it comes to my visual art, my drawing. I finished an abstract piece a week ago and I think I’m going to take digital art lessons on that platform “Domestika” or something like that, as soon as I finish building Voltron from LEGO’s and get through the rest of the things crowding the dining room table. It’s a lot but it isn’t too much, but also another artist in the building I manage is having a hard time being creative as well, SO IT AIN’T JUST ME!!!

Anyway, stay safe, wear protective gear, please throw away disposables in the trash and not on the street and I’ll see you next month if not sooner.

Peace & Love.

I'm all over the place!

Hey party people in the place to be it’s me again, coming at’cha with a brand new never scheduled sporadic blog entry, HOW’BOUT DEM APPLES?!

I’ve decided to go back to school and my 3rd book “Lovers” has been published! I haven’t received any physical copies yet myself but this little announcement here with pre-date the one on social media. Speaking of social media I haven’t updated with a drawing in a while, and now Apple is announcing a new ipad and I wonder what I bought mine for to begin with. I love the thing though, I use it every night just not as I thought I would’ve.

That being said I still watch video tutorials for Procreate so some art/drawings should be coming out soon, I’m still on the Plateau of my creative life and in that vein of my creative life I will be attending the Boston Art Book Fair again this year, at least I hope so.

That’s all there is for an update as of right now, the side bar on this website has been updated so you can go check out “Lovers” right now!

Thank you and good night!

Back at it again and failing miserably

For a second there I wasn’t able to type… jeez.

Anyway hi, hello, how are you? Me? Well, I’m not so hot.

With the inevitable realization of my mediocrity I’ve fallen into a rut. Now, I’m not one to give up on things, let alone my artistic endeavors but I’ve realized I put a lot on my plate trying to do 5 creative things a day and WELL. I’ve failed to keep up with my goals as many more things that activate the reward centers in my brain surround me and the average but not unusual stress of life and work also weigh me down. That being said I think that I will give myself maybe a month or a few weeks of art creation and updates that I will post to this website and social media maybe starting in March, as I’ve decided February is the month I try to focus on working out more.

So where is my creativity going you ask? Video games! Of course! Specifically Dragon Quest Builders 2, where the game lets you craft and build towns and villages on your own personal island. A buddy of mine asked if I was going to collect all of the Trophies for the game and while I said no it’s actually turning out to look a lot more like yes.

I wrote down bullet points on what to blog about on a piece of paper, but in my head as I was thinking about it I felt I had a lot more to say than what I actually typed here. Like I planned to go on and on about how I wanted to build my village into the cliff face surrounding a forest but like, that’s really all I had to say. I’ll add the picture as proof so you know I’m not lying.

Also, taking care of dogs is a lot of work. I’m taking care of 3 right now, I’ve been doing it for 3 weeks now, going on 5 and I can’t wait for it to be over. I’ve warmed up to the animals for sure but I think I’m a cat person, or I just really love and miss my cat.