Stevie Wonder

Schrodinger's Relationship

I don’t know if we have the potential for a relationship or if you hate me and will never ever see me again.

However, I have evidence, I suppose, of one of these outcomes, the latter, but the voices are saying “that was the opposite.”

My psychosis is evolving, ever changing, gaining new insight and details into what’s going on, on your side of the world.

Whatever piece of me, alien or otherwise that’s holding on to you makes me care about this, but logically I should just cast this aside like garbage, but I can’t seem to do that, or at least, what actually happens is like a video game, damage over time. Say, I’m poisoned with thoughts of you, and while one storyline of my psychosis might not be anything to worry about, overtime the stories build up and I have to do something with the feelings that build up with the hallucinations/delusions. If that makes sense.

So I have evidence that we’ll never see each other again. Fine.

Be that as it may, and I didn’t want to make this a birthday post, I keep hearing that Howard can’t get an erection. Similarly, they said the same thing about ABWJr, or that he didn’t want to get erect, sometimes saying he wished he could get erect.

I keep thinking of all the ads I saw for male enhancement pills, over and over again and, granted while I was going crazier, I noticed that Howard doesn’t have much of a presence on social media, not much of a digital footprint. so if he can’t get erect, or hasn’t investigated male enhancement drugs, its because he isn’t online.

But the other reason he can’t get erect might be because of the curse of being closely related. While there may be many Howards I know I met one, and I know the one you looked at in that photo with all 3 of us, so I assume it’s him, and if it’s him, he’s your brother, and it makes sense.

Still, had he considered male enhancement it’s a double-edged sword, because no doubt he can probably get erect for someone he isn’t related to, naturally, so long as he’s attracted to them, because if he uses “dick pills” he might run the risk of chemical dependency, or, chemical castration.

And now my mind is clear.

I keep hearing the voices say about me “he can get erect” every time I go to jerk off. It’s odd, and I’ve been hearing it for a while now, but I suppose the “poison damage” of these hallucinations has finally done critical damage. Really it’s like Psychic Damage… Poison Psychic Damage… lol

Not interested

Just heard some voice say I was talking to your dad.

And just heard a female sounding voice scream my name from outside my window.

Gonna make this abundantly clear: I’m not interested in being some butt boy for your father.

I want you, and no one else.

If I can’t have you, that’s fine, but don’t send any substitutes, either.

Rant

I don’t know what these voices, hallucinations expect of me.

I mean, if they’re really of me and my mind, wouldn’t they also know all the things I’ve done to get your attention?

I’ve tried it all.

Bought flowers.

Sent gifts.

Jeg forstor litt norsk! Mange litt med jeg forstor!

I wrote that sentence without Google Translate btw.

So yeah, there is, in my opinion, very little I can do, very little left todo. Unless I want to get arrested for a second time.

Lord help me.

On being an “animal”

Voices say the first time we met up in New York when it was the four of us, had I insisted on having sex right then and there or anytime during the visit without proper accommodation I’d be considered on your eyes, an “animal” and if that were the case then you could and would be with just about any man because we can all fulfill that role.

P.S.

If someone had suggested a place to fuck outside of where I was staying (with my aunt) I would’ve been down to “be an animal” but with the rush of hormones flooding our brains it’s clear to me that both parties weren’t able to think straight. You could’ve invited me back into the hostel, I definitely didn’t have enough money for a separate hotel room in New York.

This is such an odd thing to be thinking about, 17 some odd years later. It’s like my brain hasn’t recovered from that blast of endorphins in 2009, or whatever year it was.

On being an “animal”

Voices say the first time we met up in New York when it was the four of us, had I insisted on having sex right then and there or anytime during the visit without proper accommodation I’d be considered on your eyes, an “animal” and if that were the case then you could and would be with just about any man because we can all fulfill that role.

WHATS THE ISSUE!?

Voices in my head are saying shit like “you are all I ever want” directing those words as if they are from you, towards a person thats impersonating me.

You could just tell me this shit if it were true, you blocked me out, I hold the door open.

But fuck why is this “other me” rejecting these women? There’s some other plot thread that they have to “come out of the closet” and “go to Atlanta” or some shit, and while it’s rumored that Atlanta is the “down low capital of the world” if these men are so painfully and obviously homosexual, what’s the hold up?

I just hear these things going crazy at my 9 to 5 but it seems to me, clear as crystal what needs to be done!

P.S.

Voices also say “I wish you weren’t saying anything” and I don’t know if they talking to their fellow voices or to me, but if it’s too me, too bad, I’m not gonna hold this in and brood over it like I did when I was 13 years old. Fuck that.

2 move on or 2 stagnate

I talk about wanting to move on from you all the time, but I’d be just as happy if we started over again.

My hallucinations are of you being playful with me, being silly, kissing me, etc.

All these things and more that bring up good feelings.

I keep trying to tell myself that all these stories of you are just me hallucinating, but god do I want them to be real. I want to believe that on your corner of the earth you’re fighting just as hard to make it back to me, and then we can start our next chapter, and I hate that I have to have the right programming to stop myself short from believing this nonsense and just go about my daily routines, trying to make my life better bit by bit, one step at a time.

It sucks, because I think I want both: freedom from my love for you and to love you forever and know that you love me too.

In my mind

In my mind we’re making out.

We’re making out so fucking hard dude…

I’m like, being playful and kissing you while talking like Pepe Le’Pew, you know, the skunk from Loony Tunes that is in love with the cat that gets paint on its back.

And I’m holding you close and you’re giving me those goldfish kisses until YOU grab MY head and hold me there, and we really start going at it. Tongue thrashing lip biting really just giving it gusto. Little bit of drool maybe, and I’m grabbing your ass and sticking one hand down your pants and the next up your shirt, under your bra, really trying to leave my mark on you.

And in reality, as my erection grows and I go to look at some porn to release some steam, I recall that this is most likely never going to happen again, my erection loses blood, I feel cold, the inverse of those thoughts that brought me the warm and fuzzy feeling.

I must reiterate

Because I’m fucking talking to the goddamn air: I’m not asking you to get back into a romantic relationship with me.

Like as logical as I have been, two posts ago, the voices keep saying shit like “she would have to kill someone to get away from you”

like damn bitch, if it’s not going to work out in any capacity just fucking say that! Let me fucking move on, what the fuck???

just over and fucking over again.

"Loose Screw"

Voices just called me a loose screw, because apparently the “correct” thing to do is find a woman I love half as much and have a family with her that I’ll regret while I constantly think of a you with or without my consent and be forced to revisit all of the emotions I feel or felt while trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with someone else.

Fuck that

I don’t want to “do the right thing”

fuck that noise

Makes sense to me!

“If you can’t give me everything, don’t give me anything at all.”

I say that to myself because I do want love, to love again, to love someone who loves me back.

I don’t want to sit here an consider everything you did and didn’t do, you type for a living and can’t respond to an e-mail.

You’ve called the cops on me.

You’ve warned me you’d promote racism.

And I have the logical facilities to know that you and whomever believes your racist ideology is someone I should avoid.

That makes sense to me.

Voices tell you you’d try to spend all the money I have saved for retirement, and maybe it was foolish that I shared that with you.

Voices say the day you walked away from on Newbury Street, you would have taken my credit card (had I had one) and have bought a trip far far away from me. Maybe back home, maybe somewhere else, who knows!

I have both hallucinatory and real evidence that we won’t work out in any kind of relationship if these issues aren’t addressed.

I’m not holding out hope!

I want to move on!

But if I can’t move forward what else can I do?!

I’ve tried everything.

I won’t kill myself, my life and the people in it are more valuable than just you.

And yes in my memory of you you’re my favorite person, but like you said something similar in that xanga message, thats just you in my mind.

I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT!

So why must I suffer so much? WHY!?

All the other guys in my head

They weren't married!

I shared a clip with James Baldwin, who I recognized, and Nikki Giovanni in conversation. I thought they were married due to the way they were speaking to each other, they were not.

It was a very intimate conversation, the full conversation is on YouTube, but like, why ask a Gay man questions like that? Maybe if you substituted the yearning black woman for a man it’d read more true to his nature, instead he had to envision hypotheticals he would never be in.

Idk, but I wanted to clear that up.