Fantasy

Lots of chatter today.

In my head I want a partner that will build with me. Ideally I’d like to be able to purchase property here in Mass, like a triple decker and live on one floor and rent out the other units.

If I’m being really fantastical, maybe have another, single family home, and make the triple decker a rental property.

With the climate the way it is right now, that seems impossible, but the voices in my head say you’re a millionaire. 1 million Krone isn’t exactly 1 million USD but if anything there’s potential.

More than that, if it is you, I feel bad about making use of your money. I’ve told you in the past that I have a retirement savings account, not that I know you read those messages but ideally we’d open an account for you too, and also have some dividend investments so you can have an income without having to work. It’s your money, you decide what you can do with it but my Swedish buddy, his wife wasn’t able to get a work visa and while I’m lost in thought, I wonder if the same would happen to you… but I think you have more credentials, what with your masters degree and all.

Voices in my head say you’d become a social worker in America.

Voices in my say Howard might be killed by someone if I keep posting.

I don’t know if they’re trying to paralyze me with fear or guilt, but that would have been possible maybe the years when my psychosis first started, not anymore. The simple reason is because I have to take care of myself, and expressing these thoughts/emotions/ideas/musings help me do that.

My co-worker owns a duplex, and he successfully made the second side of his home an Airbnb. That could work too but I think for that, people would want to stay in a more… “historical” or “aesthetic” part of Boston, like downtown, Beacon Hill, but property there is priced in millions of dollars, started at 1 million USD and getting higher. I work in the area so I know.

All this to say that yes, I know this is just some fantasy. Some part of my brain/body/soul that won’t let go, no matter how cold and calculating I try to become.

Take care.

I think I’m going to try and start running to reduce the size of my belly.

✌️

Goddamn

I paused the movie I’m watching to go get a beer.

A microbrew, and I only know that because when I scan the barcode in the “my fitness pal” app it prompts me to create a new food.

Maybe I’ve said this before: I hate that I feel good when I hallucinate that we’ll get back together.

I don’t know where these good feelings come from.

Logically, I don’t know why I would, even in a minuscule amount, feel good at all.

I can think of plenty of reasons why it’s not true, and I usually do after the warm and fuzzies, but maybe it’s this idea that, someone is going to “choose” me to be with, someone that already has a general idea of me, someone I won’t have to start from scratch with.

I mean there would be work, there’s always work, but maybe that small part of my mind/body/heart/soul likes the familiarity.

Who knows.

I can’t say I’m worth anything right now.

I’m in my late 30’s and still a “work in progress.”

No kids.

But also no car.

Barely a “place of my own.”

I live with family, and while that isn’t bad, trying to afford rent in Boston with everything else I got going on is a financial nightmare.

Let’s hope voting brings rent control, at least…

All of this to say that I’m typing this out before my beer.

The beer isn’t strong enough to make me forget, not tonight, but also last night I drank a whole bottle of wine alone and I’m still back to twiddling my thumbs.

Goddammit.

Perfect Partner(?)

Not you, I don’t think we’ll ever be a thing again but who comes next?

Is there a person that would be okay with this idea that I don’t control my own thoughts?

Someone that wouldn’t mind that you drift and stay in my mind even when I want to not be thinking anything?

Can I expect them to not be upset? Or should they rightfully be upset, and go find something else to distract themselves with as I struggle on?

Do we talk it out?

Should I expect a fight?

Can a new relationship ever move beyond you and I if you won’t stop haunting me?

Riddle Me This

How should I feel about all of this?

This is fucking abnormal, if anything.

Should I b angry when the voice bring you up?

Why should I feel anything at all?

Should I feel numb?

Should I feel desperate and constantly searching for a new lover?

What should I be doing that will set me on a forward path?

Sad

Voices in my head are bringing up the time I sent you that big ass box for Christmas.

I remembered you told me you opened it with you friends.

Voices are saying they all laughed their asses off.

That you girls went around the world and every boy you met had “fun” but I’m the only one that wanted a wife.

Like I’ve said in the e-mails, my heart is a fine sand.

But what does that say about me?

What should I be doing right now?

Forcing myself to just try and move on? All those other boys from Latin America or, wherever in the world they could be, they have wives and families?

It’s not like I even share their culture, and how the fuck was I even supposed to know?

It’s not like I didn’t try!

But I’m repeating myself, every time I come back here to write.

It’s won’t just be hell for me, it’ll be hell for the next person too.

I’ll keep to myself.

Even Worse

The hallucinations are getting worse, they’re starting to turn into visual hallucinations.

For a few hours the voices were saying Norway, Sweden and Denmark maybe also Finland and Iceland but definitely the first 3 were engaged in a war for their culture.

Since then I’ve seen tiny people, “invisible” people, or see through, and voices that deviate enough from the YouTube video I’m watching to make me think it’s been targeted into my bedroom.

Really don’t know what else to do about this. I mean I’d ask for a higher dose of medication but maybe the medication causes it?

Hard to say, but I suppose the least I could do is consult my doctor.

Foreign Policiy

I sent you a movie in an e-mail a while back, I remember what it was, and also probably an episode of a few shows.

I have this idea that I have a foreign wife/partner and I introduce them to American Media.

Right now I’m watching clips of “The Boondocks” an animated show, and I wonder how well this would do in Norway.

Anywhere in Europe, honestly.

The concept, the modes of speaking, the characters must look so fucking alien…

Geniuses

Was his plan always to find a group of black men to terrorize European women?

Just a group of black guys being the absolute worst to some white girls?

I mean BEFORE learning about the history of racism I can see that as ignorant, but keeping it up even after?

I said earlier in the night “yeah I wouldn’t want to be around a stalker and a rapist either”

I know I’m a stalker, but I’m not a rapist.

This other guy has been in my head or at least their using his name alongside memories/thoughts of you to goad me into some action other than this, writing/typing.

Literally twiddling my thumbs.

I don’t want to name him, but the idea is he’s the one that introduced you to my xanga way back when. I guess without him we would’ve never met.

And if we never met maybe I’d be crushing on some American girl.

Maybe, but it’s not like people don’t move across the country or around the world when you’re kids either…

I remember, back when I played Gaia online I had a long distance girlfriend but she was just in New Hampshire. I think I was like 15.

Then I “cheated on her” with another girl on Gaia, from Texas. And I told her and I was all sad about it at the time and we never spoke again.

Even though that story was pathetic, I feel even worse than how pathetic that is.

I mean that’s just young love from an outcast kid in the age of the internet.

If anything, for my generation it’s a “new normal” or at least would become more common as the years go on.

I know I can name two girls I met in the last 10 years that were in long distance online relationships before it all went to the shitter.

And I wonder if that’s the fate of every long distance relationship.

Probably not, but I don’t have the stats either. And if they’re like me, fucking embarrassed by their youth, who’s to say they’d even admit to it.

I’m friends with the girl from Texas on Facebook.

I wonder what the other girl got into. Haha.

Celebrity

Voices in my head say women don’t want to date me, not because of this blog, but because they’d become some kind of, “small town celebrity” and “no one wants to be a celebrity” so. I guess this is fine.

Special

Voices ruining my mood and memories again.

It’d be fine if they never brought you up, I’d laugh and laugh and laugh, but they do.

They take these special moments from me and twist and pervert them into doubt and distrust.

Now I’ve tried my best to discard everything I feel, but still I’m here typing.

Like I said, if they didn’t say anything at all about you, I think I’d be okay.

I’d still look crazy, laughing hysterically and talking to myself,

But it’d be better than this.

Lovesick on Instagram

I’m not posting these things to my story, instead I’m coming across them as I view my friend’s story. With that said, if I don’t want to see them, do I unfollow my friend’s story? Do I lose a friend just because their lovesickness is infecting me? No. It’s better to just, I don’t know, “honor” these feelings, know they exist, and in that, care for myself, I think. It’s clear to me that I just can’t, completely and perfectly get away from this, from you, although I wish I could. But as I see these new memes and images, I wonder…am I a vampire? Lol.

I didn’t even hit “like” on these lol, but I did contemplate making a folder on Instagram of posts that “bring me back.”

I suppose this blog will do.

Take care.

“Get over her”

Voices in my head have been saying a lot recently.

that every time I blog you fight with your husband.

That they want me to get over you now, and move on.

These voices have been with me for so long now, you’d think they’d pull from more of my life.

I remember a time before this, where I was moving in and through the streets. Out every other night, liquor every other night.

Why doesn’t it bring up those girls? Why just you?

Granted, I laughed when the voices first started, laughed at everyone except for you.

But now what? They want me to try all over again? While I’m fat and undesirable?

Going off of my last blog, I should’ve gave into desperation of trying to start a family alongside my friends to raise our kids together.

Marry someone out of a need outside of love.

I’d be miserable, and have less money than I have now, that’s for certain, kids ain’t cheap.

Still, my number one rule for these voices is:

“If you want me to get over her, stop bringing her up.”

And yeah, I will remember your birthday every year, that’s a given, but one day out of the year is better than these come and go blogs to no one (myself) constantly making me bitchless in Boston.

I should just make this page private.

But that’s be dishonest.

But people really don’t care what you’re going through so why tell them at all? Why let them know?

Because I’m 5 months down the line in a relationship with some other girl and she’s wondering why I don’t smoke weed and talk to myself so frequently and I gotta tell them I’m thinking about my ex from when I was 19.

It’s just better that everyone knows.

Write me off.

Cast me out.

I become nothing.

And move to a country where “cheating” is “normalized.”

France.

Japan.

Die alone, or at least with someone that gives fewer fucks.

What the hell am I saying…

I’m not crazy

I’m watching an anime where a 400 year old Dearf Warrior is defending a village until he dies because his human wife loved it and it brings him happiness.

I see these same themes reflected in EVERYTHING.

I’m not crazy.

At the end of it maybe I’ll make art of you.

Of all of this…

Edit//P.S.:

Maybe! (DEFINITELY!!!) these emotions would be better directed at someone that loves me back, but I’m not fucking crazy.

Morning Madness

Didn’t get much sleep last night, might try to sneak in a few hours before work.

Voices were talking about how you got your degree. Whether it was consensual or not (intercourse) they keep calling you a retard, keep saying I’m better than you, keep saying “someone else,” in this case, “T.”

What’s interesting now is that new voices are being added to the peanut gallery. Voices of people I’m close with at work, and they don’t belittle me, they don’t sound bitter or angry or disappointed, they have nothing bad to say, but they’re all making bets in my mind.

On what? Who’s to say?

Maybe the odds that we try again, but that already seems and feels like an impossibility.

These people, they’ve told me before that if I ever find a new partner, find someone that’s kind.

You so far have been played up to be worthless, useless, and a spineless coward, and I suppose that’s where your cruelty comes from.

I saw something that said “all cruelty comes from weakness.”

Here we are.