Miscellaneous

In my head I keep hearing things over and over again. It’s not like a phrase is being repeated like when the voices first started, its like dialogue that leads back to the same theme over and over again, I will list a few of them here:

  1. Voices seem to indicate that someone on your side of the world wished for me to never have to worry about money, and as a result, typically when I’m low on funds, someone gives me a cash tip or food I don’t have to buy for myself and then I bounce back on payday.

  2. The voices keep saying you’ve “become a whore” but I feel its in reference to the Norwegian 2009 film “Hora” and as a result I asked AI if there were cultural subtext to the film that a foreigner would have missed ( https://share.google/aimode/TtZfOy8Tr4Cslyd0w ) and it came up with like 5 examples. My take away from all of that however is that you’re going against the grain back on your side of the planet, if what the voices are saying is true. I honestly hope the opposite is true, because all the voices do is bring me back in time to when and where I felt love for you and then I have to remind myself to cast that all away.

  3. Like I said in the second example, I hope that opposite is true. I want to believe you’re living a good life with your friends and family and I’m just a mad man on his mountain, biding his time until the end of it all.

“You know what to do”

Recently I’ve been fixated on this phrase that repeats in my head in regards to you:

“You know what you need to do.”

The voices say “she’ll become a lesbian before she knows what she needs to do.”

And finally concluded today saying that you’ve become an “oaf.”

I walked past 1010 Mass Ave today twice, because I had to go to the hospital.

Do you remember that day? When we went to Cambridge first and you “fainted” in my arms, then we went back to Dorchester and you stayed behind the door while I was in the meeting? The voices want me to think the janitor and you had something to do with each other. That you gave him a blowjob and he ejaculated on your neck, you know, a pearl necklace. Then Heather said to you “nice necklace” when we were all walking out of the meeting and you covered your neck before I could look and see.

I know I said I’d stop writing these horrible things but I want to know, so desperately, if it’s all true. I mean yes we were dating because you broke up with me while you were in New York, before you got to Boston but damn my soul to hell if I was to say I wasn’t committed to you. It’s not as if I took that opportunity to fuck other girls while you were around. You were the only one on my mind.

Back to my psychosis: the voices say “you know what to do” and I infer from that, that what you “need to do” is get back together with me, that’s what I sounds like the voices, that phrase is implying.

The you that I know however wants to decide for herself. The you that I know needs her time to think things through. This idea that getting back together with me will solve things or bring honor to your family sounds like the ideas of someone else, and in my mind I think it’s your fathers idea before you could call it your own.

I’m not sure what to think about anything nowadays. While I’m working towards my degree and losing weight those are the two most pressing things on my mind, I even visit this blog less and less as the days move on because I want to put this all behind me and hope for a brighter future in and with love.

That doesn’t mean I don’t care deeply about you, or regret that I loved you, but I have to recognize at least the words you’ve said to me and the actions you take against me. It makes no sense for me to hold out for you or your touch when you’ve distanced yourself both physically and emotionally from me. Why do I have to have some optimistic love for you? Why do I feel like at any point and time we can mend this wound you’ve given me? Such is life I suppose, but I digress, I have to think with my head, as clear as the foggy window that it can be is, and not with the even foggier window that is my heart.

So if you don’t know what to do, fine, I have to believe you have e your husband and your child if not multiple children and your life is going at a pace that you can tolerate manage and accept. You’re as happy as you could ever be and even better days are ahead, and whether or not that is true, I have nothing else to sway me from these thoughts lest I get lost in delusion and provide you with more emails or private messages filled with “illusive ranting.”

Good day, and God Bless you.

P.S. (edit)

Of course I see this after I finish the blog:

Repeat

Voices say you wanted a dog, among other things.

I’m starting to repeat myself, or, if I was planning to write the blog entry I thought I was going to right I think I would’ve repeated myself.

What I really want to try to break into is the “bipolar” side of my disorder. It’s all about you, the hallucinations and my feelings change during the day when I think/the voices talk about you.

It always comes back to how I feel and think about you.

Nothing else ever mattered.

Persistence

The voices go on and on, but as I was taking a shower, I realized that I think I’m getting used to never seeing you again.

Because twice now you’ve told me you want nothing to do with me, or in one example you said you’d spread racism, and despite my hallucinations and delusions, I need to accept that that’s who you are, someone far separated from the woman I love.

Every once in a while the voices come back, and that makes me want to hold on to this blog, but choosing not to regurgitate the hateful, despicable things that tell me began a process of me almost being able to digest the voices and hear them and let them pass, sans having to express myself here, which makes me think once again that I can delete this blog.

We’ll see I suppose.

I mean I wish things were different but I do honestly have to start looking for someone that loves me back.

This scares me

My friend subscribes to a theory of radical optimism, the kind of nihilism where you become happy when you realize “nothing matters.”

When I say “nothing matters” I mean that “nothing” is important, or significant.

Anyway, this scares me because if I want to go full on delusional I whole heartedly would believe that you and I are getting back together, and that’s not a decision I can make on my own, clearly.

I wish I could tow the line of radical optimism but it isn’t in the cards for me, or yet does my love burn just as hot for another.

So I try to stay rational, logical, not necessarily pessimistic but realistic, only determining my future with what I know and what I can accomplish. It’s like I’m cooking pasta on a stove and stirring the pot, taking the lid on and off trying to keep it at the right temperature so it cooks the noodles and doesn’t boil over. It’s not difficult, but I need to pay attention.

In this case it’s paying attention to myself, my thoughts, and my psychosis.

Because as much as they mention all the horrible things this world has to offer sometimes they say things like “she didn’t want to do this to you” or “that’s why no one wants to wait for her” like the voices are implying that we still have a future together. And the chemicals in my brain fire off and it’s like I’m in love again, but it’s just me by my lonesome, wishing all of my insanity were true because then I wouldn’t be insane anymore.

Fuck.

Maybe this is obvious

When I think of you, sometimes in and sometimes out of psychosis, I get happy.

You were really someone I truly adored, and I am so disheartened that you have to chosen to be out of my life.

The voices today were saying a lot of things. About cheating on Howard, saying being near him gives you a rash, and that you’d rather have been unfaithful to him than to me, like you were put up to this as if it were some sort of challenge.

I don’t know. I know I would’ve preferred to be in a relationship with you, but if what the voices are saying is true all of this, extra nonsense would’ve colored you differently in my mind, and maybe I’d beat myself up for the rest of my life for ever loving you if it did happen to me, but I don’t know. That’s some alternate reality that only exists in movies.

Reminders

I’m being reminded of that night at the inn in New York when your father called you over to him, and you did, something, and brushed your teeth after.

My back was turned, so I can’t say I saw everything, but I peeked a little, and what I saw or thought I saw, I won’t repeat.

In my mind, you your doing something with the spare ribs we got from the restaurant, and after that we went and did our thing at the park.

Voices have been more vocal today, saying things like “She’s too stupid to know how to move to the United States” but also that you’re fully aware that I wouldn’t ask you to be in the USA with the current administration. I’ve said it in the past and the sentiment still stands.

For you to come back into my life in any capacity however, is a decision you have to make, and as I review my campaign of harassment, having been some digital menace, I don’t blame you for wanting to avoid anything to do with me.

I’ve had more than enough time to sit and think about it, albeit, some of that time I couldn’t necessary call some of my thoughts my own, but still, I’ve rounded a corner and I feel like I’m coming to the end of my delusions. Not to say that’s the end of my hallucinations, my psychosis, just the end of me thinking that the side of me that still has warm and fuzzy feelings for you, that side is no longer dominating the mind that I have left in my own control.

I want to move on, I want a serious relationship, I want love, I want whatever life, God, The Universe, has to throw my way. As I sit typing, thinking my addiction to caffeine is going to give me a heart attack, I know or at least, I’m more confident in the direction I want to go in life.

I mourn our relationship from time to time, but I suppose I hope you can forgive me.

If not, I suppose I’ll carry my cross.

Too soon to delete

Chatter about you has ramped up again.

I ran out of my higher dose meds but I have a refill waiting for me at CVS, I’ll pick it up later today.

Nothing worth mentioning, well maybe, but also I don’t want to bring these foul thoughts and remarks into the world any longer.

I will end by saying I wish I was actually talking to you, and not myself.

Deleting this page

I felt better about deleting this page earlier in the day.

Voices have been saying all kinds of things.

That you’re trying to help me get over you.

That someone never wants to be you.

That you’d make me wish I never wanted to be your husband.

I felt better earlier in the day, like I took another step closer to moving on, leaving this all in the past, in a book or something.

Maybe I will. The Spotify page will still be there, but maybe I’ll make that a list too for the book.

I just need a clean break.

Maybe my medication is finally working as intended, I don’t know, but I feel good.

I feel better.

I am thinking of you

I know it’s been a while since my last flurry of posts.

Voices say you’re a lesbian, and you’ll make up with your friend one day and start a relationship with her. MCHB, that one.

That’s all fine and good but I don’t think I needed to know.

I don’t have any hope of us talking again, or getting back together. Right now actually I’m debating smoking weed again.

I feel Strong enough, like I have the mental fortitude to know better than my hallucinations, but I’m afraid that being high will now just be a deeply, maddeningly unpleasant experience, and I don’t want that either.

You can be as gay as a rainbow, I don’t care, but if you do ever consider me and my feelings while you’re out there, touching lips on lips, drop me a line, I’ll be sure to respond.

Tdodeloo!

Narration

The voices in my head sometimes say I don’t want you.

Why? Because you’re “a piece of shit.”

Their words not mine.

Then they go on and detail all the things you do with poop or plan or want to do.

I have dreams about you sometimes, and last nights dream was about going out in public without wearing underwear.

It wasn’t me, it was someone else but the voices said “this is the kind of man she wants” A person that’s ready and can “get it up anywhere” but in my dream, the guy I assume, you made wear a skirt, was limp, impotent, or at least he didn’t get erect by the time I woke up.

Very strange.

I’m not trying to hold on to you, and sometimes I think about just deleting this blog, but there’s nothing I want to say to myself, I want to talk about all of this, with people, and not necessarily in therapy.

It’s a strange position to be in.

Weed Weed

I want to smoke some weed.

I don’t like hearing the voices, but I also want to confront them.

I got to this point today where the voices were talking about you and I said out loud “it doesn’t matter” and “whatever.”

It’s all I can do, but that attitude makes me feel like I can smoke weed and maybe at least sit and listen to the voices while I feel like I’m a towel being twisted to expel all of its moisture.

It’s not a pleasurable experience, being high.

It used to be, but now when I get high I become the most paranoid I’ve even been in that given moment, and it feels like the world is working against me.

Like everyone is speaking in code, in a language or a way where they know all the answers to my problems but refuse to tell me.

So safe to say I didn’t smoke weed. I have a preroll that I got a year ago lying on the table downstairs and it might be best if I just throw it out, but knowing myself, I’ll probably find my way back to a dispensary and send myself to hell all over again.

Ugh.

Now I’m Having an episode

Voices are saying you wish I hadn’t written that last blog.

What else am I supposed to do?

I’m not in my adolescence.

I won’t hold these feelings in.

And frankly, I’ve made enough art about how I feel about you. I could make more but I’d post it somewhere, it’d take more time than these blurbs but it would exist, and maybe it’d end up in this space, on this blog, regardless!

Love hate friendship yearning, at some point ive felt it all!

And it’s my right to express myself to whomever and however I want, and I will do that! Clearly! Nothing has stopped me from doing that up to this point!

Thank you very much.