Friends.

I was playing Monster Hunter with a friend today, talking about my new friends from Sweden. Talking about how they, regardless of the fact that I technically work for them, have extended so much kindness and hospitality towards me, and encourage me, and are really just in my corner. So much so that it’s inspired me to pivot from learning Norwegian (not currently practicing mind you) and instead learn Swedish.

I joked that if it ends up anything like the plot of the movie “Midsommar” (2019) that I would happily join their cult and not even think to look back.

Ultimately I compared it to you, how instead of friendship you’ve just frozen me out, called the cops, have told me you want nothing to do with me for as long as “forever” lasts. And for a minute, recalling that, I felt a pinch of the heartbreak. How could people from countries so close together be so different?

That heartbreak is washed away by waves of elation as I think I have a new reason to visit Northern Europe, and I will.

I don’t want or expect you to read this and turn the other cheek or anything, I know I’m writing for myself, and maybe I always have been (not true) but man, I am stunned.

🇸🇪

I hope I’ve moved on.

Things remind me of you, but I can’t find it in me to really feel, at least not the way I did when you were around, and not the way I did in my past mania. Take care.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIwURZkRh-1/?igsh=MTZuM2VsZ3E4ZnRoZw==

It is Absurd to Still Love You

And somehow that sneaky feeling can penetrate my mind body connection before I cast it aside.

The voices tell me I’ll be single forever.

That you can fall back in love.

And I have to think of reality, of some husband and Child somewhere else that you’ve dedicated yourself to,

where I continue to “Scare” people by expressing my warped mind and decide that all thats left for me is to dedicate myself to the pursuit of martial arts, and go die somewhere alone in the mountains, far far away from civilization.

Some images.

Goodnight.

What I said:

What I didn’t say:

That doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.

It does mean that I’m sorry and I feel stupid for what I put you through.

While I’m on this new journey of self discovery, I’ll try to make sure I don’t fall back on old patterns.

You don’t have to forgive me.

You don’t have to do anything I wish you would’ve done.

It’s your body, your choice.

Your life, your choice.

I’m just a clumsy guy that only knows how to fight…

Snus, while sad and cold in Boston

I’m sad. I’m not depressed but I am sad. I feel like however I’m turning a corner on my psychosis, and I will tell my doctor about it later today. I’m taking my medication regularly, I just hate that these hallucinations dwell on someone I loved so much, and now wants nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. But I don’t think about how good or bad it could’ve been, I write it out of my mind on social media, sure, but at the end of the day, feeling like I won’t find love again, it just makes me sad. And maybe that’s not true. For whatever reason falling in love with people feels easier to do, almost like I appreciate the ephemeral nature of these emotions, but I’m not interested in settling down. Or at least I tell myself that. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Fuck

Voices in my head say my ex would’ve just wanted to be with someone else. Which is how relationships work when you’re a teenager right? Nothing about that is too sad, or abnormal, especially now that I’m literally in my mid thirties. Given everything I’ve done and said in madness, YEAH, I WOULDVE BEEN FUCKING UPSET, NO SHIT.

But also, I would’ve moved on, like I’m trying to do now.