VOLTRON

SO ALL THREE OF US NIGGAS HAVE TO COMBINE TO MAKE THE PERFECT MAN FOR YOU BITCH?! YOU DONT WANT ANY OF US MOVE THE FUCK ON!

One has to be richer

One has to be taller

Idk what the 3rd nigga needs I started laughing as I began typing this lmao

MSF'00

A new hand truly does touch the beacon, as MSF the person I described as that seemingly unknown black Norwegian actor is now the subject of my psychosis.

Specifically they’re again talking about Argentina.

They claim no incest happened at all.

They call back to that girl that you apparently went to New York with when we broke up, the girl you left there.

That was/is “someone else.”

But I’ve gone over this already, I know I have, because the night that dawned on me I erupted in laughter.

They call back to the picture you sent me, with the family at the table, Steinar looking almost angry, at least in my memory.

I’m not sure how I should be processing this information. It’s like there are two sides of this line, on one side, the horrors of incest, on the other side, the consequences of some girls actions for not wanting to be who she is.

I don’t know how to deal with either of them, I’m not equipped.

A New Hand Touches the Beacon

Apparently all that incest with your father was incorrect.

The incest happened with Howard, and Odin was involved as well, the voices say.

Equally as tragic but now I feel like I’m only here to mirror and post corrections to be already document psychotic hallucinations.

Have a nice day.

Rags to Bitches Nigga!

Voices in my head said

“That is why I wish you weren’t just the shit, I wish you weren’t rich.”

🤷🏾‍♂️

I’m black in America I got a pretty rough card in life.

But I’ll make it out of this.

The voices went on to say you would remain a lesbian.

Could be talking about someone else as they say they do but at this rate you make more money than me, yearly. I’ve gotten a raise in the last few years but you’re the bread winner, and if you do all of the nothing that I think you do you should have ample money to invest, and become wealthy yourself, save that your husband doesn’t drink your money away and whatever you need to go towards Hedda.

I know children can be expensive.

My point is, if you want money, you already have it, perhaps you’re not looking at it with the correct perspective.

Winning

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DV_r1YNDSd3/?igsh=cHZ4NDMyZ2NobDlw

P.S: Also this bit on the psychology of suffering

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWAyGMoArig/?igsh=MTlpanlnZTdmcnZrZg==

Your Cousin

Voices in my head are saying the person that responded to me was your cousin.

The girl with the straight nose on the train that looked like she was afraid, and according to the voice, she was, was your cousin.

Hell Hedda’s birth mother could be your cousin.

Why does your cousin want to live your life? Walk in your shoes? If any of this is true…

This doesn’t make sense to me, but the voices said you forwarded all of my e-mails to her, was she ever going to respond?

Why her? what significance does she even have?

I know for damn certain I didn’t meet her, but I also know that you said a long time ago on MSN messenger that you and her looked almost identical.

I mean I like the idea that you aren’t trolling me by showing up and trying to have chance encounters but I don’t like that it’s happening at all.

Anyone that wants discourse can have it, it’s easy to reach me.

Friends

I just had the best weekend with my friends and my heart is full, I’d like to start by saying that.

But during this outing I had a brief bought of psychosis where you or someone was communicating to someone else cause it feels like it wasn’t directed at me because lord knows I was curious.

It went along the lines of “we were laughing our asses off because even if you could get erect we would still be lesbians.”

And it reminded me of that hallucination I had while I was working on a drawing in Allston at Courtney’s place, back when I was still smoking weed.

I don’t think I was emailing then, or maybe I was? If I was it was the email where I had described you as pink and another girl as blue, just laughing, and I was made to feel as if you were laughing at me.

Either way, I had a beer and it was mostly washed from my mind. The waiter kept coming to the table and saying like, damn near imperceptible things that I thought were almost coded messages from the psychic world but I wasn’t too invested in them, I knew/know that wasn’t true and I was able to stay in the moment with my friends.

Whatever you’re doing, whomever you’re with, whoever you are, I hope you’re also able to experience as much joy as I did this past weekend.

I can’t wait to do it again.

Attempting to Break the Cycle

Whats so weird about this is that I have this weird ass feeling that every time my back is turned you’re fucking and sucking someone else.

Like why do I have such strong feelings for someone that wants my complete and total destruction?

And in all the scenarios I don’t know if I remember correctly

on the sidewalk with Dashawn

at the Starbuck with Dashawn

When Dashawn grabbed your arm

walking out of my aunts place in the Bronx

every time I left you alone at the hostel in New York and Boston

and I KNOW you don’t like Dashawn because I have a photo of you making a face at him in a picture with you

Like why is my assurance, my confidence in your character being OVERIDDEN by PARANOIA AND HOPE!?

LIKE YOU’LL EVER GET BACK TOGETHER WITH ME WHEN YOU WONT EVEN RESPOND TO ME WHEN I ASK YOU TO JUST TELL ME I’M GOING TO BE OKAY!?

THATS WHAT I WANTED!!!

THATS ALL I FUCKING ASK FOR!!!

THATS WHAT I’M SCREAMING INTO THE FUCKING VOID ABOUT!!!

AND ALL THESE VOICES KEEP DOING IS PULLING ME ONE WAY THEN THE OTHER THEN BACK AGAIN!!!

THIS IS SO

FUCKING

DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Illusive Ranting 3: Deep Delusion

Now that I’ve finally begun to truly move on, now that I have a partner, and now that I’m desiring a new, serious relationship I see you, somehow finding me just, on the street with my new partner, slapping me, and dropping to one knee.

I can’t say I’m afraid of that.

I can’t say if I’d be angry.

But every time I see it, I just accept it.

I accept you.

I accept my fate.

And maybe I shouldn’t be this weak.

Maybe it will never happen, not in a million years.

Not in another lifetime.

Not even in a parallel dimension!

But I still see it, and my heart sinks, not for myself, but for this other, unknown lover, unknown love, unknown potential.

It’s just another tragedy.

Night Market

Just now, in my sleep deprived haze, I saw a woman walk by with another man.

At first I thought he was Indian, and that she looked like you.

I didn’t get up to ask her anything however, I just let them walk on by.

Even if with a closer look, and she didn’t look like you, I still see you in this ocean of skulls.

Phrenology.

All the women with Nordic Ancestry wearing their in high tight ponytails will drive me crazy this summer.

And maybe every summer after that.

Shot in the face

Voices are now telling me that that night in Mew York you know, with your back to the tree, as if there’s any other night they want to talk about…

Voices tell me you wanted me to get shot in the face by that police officer.

Welp.

Machine Learning

Voices in my head keep saying “Daniel Fairclough has what it takes to be a celebrity, and she doesn’t”

as if that’s all this boils down to.

In my mind, you already were a celebrity, one of “Norway’s Next Stars” which featured your Hip-Hop Dance routine “Growing Up.”

And maybe it’s the consequences of that performance that set you on your path.

So what do you tell yourself at night? That you’ve never had a goal? Never had a dream? No desires?

Then truly, you must be an enlightened one. Here to set us on the path before judgement day takes us all.

Or have you always wanted to be nothing more than a cog in a wheel of the great machine we call “society?”

What the fuck ever.

Revenge

Voices seem to say or imply that:

“The best way to get revenge on you is to have a good life, to literally be better off without you.”

And these same words seem to justify you’re own suicide.

I’ve said it before: You’re the only thing going wrong in my life. Voices or otherwise, just not even being able to have a dialogue about you, and you’re my favorite person, at least the way I remember you.

Do what you will, I don’t care, but I do intend to keep living said “good life.”

Warm Weather

The nice weather means that I’ll see more and more women walk down the street that look like or remind me of you.

I’ll do my best not to pursue or chase after them.

Hopefully.

You don’t want me

Voices keep telling me stories about how or when and where you would’ve run away from me, never to return.

Dislodging your hand from mine on Newbury street and trying to steal my credit card that I didn’t have.

Pretending to pass out and if I had let you fall you would’ve pretended to have amnesia.

All these things and more and I remember your last email to me, when I said I was going to Norway and you said you would spread racism!

You don’t want me!

I have all this evidence to say that’s a true statement and yet you haunt me and I feel as if either I can or someone isn’t allowing me to let go!

LET ME LET GO!!!

Negrophilia

For some reason I’m remembering when you told me about the French girl/woman on the plane to Argentina or maybe even back home to Norway, wherever you where, and your argument that I should be enthralled with her was “because she’s French!”

I remember buying the first book in that image and still I haven’t finished reading it, but I got the gist of it from a YouTube video, and I think, did they teach you about African American migration to France in your history classes in Norway? Or was someone else, presumably your “mother” at the computer typing and using your name?

doesn’t matter who it was now, I think modern day France hates Americans of any shape or stripe, and the best bet for a black guy seems to be South Korea, god willing.