SWEAT! STRIVE!!! GIVE IT YOUR ALL!!!
I’m gonna start, making T-shirt’s or something, I need to do something else to relieve myself of my emotional burden.
Yes, of course, I am/will consider therapy.
But beyond that:
What’s up party people in the place to be!?
IT’S YA BOI, Coming at’cha HOT AND FRESH with a cool new tidbit/update:
First and Foremost I’m joining the ONE AND ONLY Rene Dongo at the
Water Town Zine Fest!
Saturday, October 15th 2022
Where: Watertown Free Public Library
123 Main Street
Watertown, MA 02472
So Be there or be Square!
We’ll be presenting a Zine we made that is a collection of letters and art we sent back and forth to each other during the start of the pandemic. It’s called “Monster Mail” and it’ll be on sale for $10
Support Local Art!
Anyway, that’s the gist of it, the rest is blah blah ex gf blah blah losing my mind blah blah work is good and I wish I was working harder in school but it just started,
You get it,
SEE YOU IN WATERTOWN!
The Struggle is Real
Here’s a little story that must be told.
I want to be up-front and honest with anyone reading this or whomever may read this:
I struggle with schizo-affective disorder, which I discovered after smoking marijuana.
I’ve been on medication for a number of years now, which has helped, and I can hold down a job, but as of right now it doesn’t feel like it’s helping, at all.
This is really in regards to my ex, whom I sent incessant e-mails too when I was worse, and was subsequently arrested for harassing at one point in 2018.
I’m not proud of it, but I’ve begun reaching out to her, again, and I was in greater control of it, but I have this very, URGENCY, like I need my psychosis to be addressed and it has to be from her.
It’s sucks to know and I know it sucks.
I’m looking into therapy as soon as I can afford it, and I’ve talked to friends and family about it, my heart is with her and so is my head, but my head in a bad way.
I can’t seem to make amends either, it’s as if I just scream into the void that is her inbox, but I’m trying my hardest to stop, and this blog post I’m writing and publishing I hope will hold me accountable.
To anyone else reading this, feel free to call me out if I seem a little off, as well.
Seriously.
P*A*I*N
Trying not to update this blog as late as I did in August, but suffice to say I’m in a lot of ✨P A I N✨ right now.
Physically and emotionally, and the source of my pain might be the same.
Long story short I suffer from hallucinations every so often and my doctor once said they could be the cause of my headaches.
Emotionally: these hallucinations bring up a ex I was with once in my life, and they tell me how much she hates me and she’s suicidal etc etc.
I still have feelings for her, I know I do but I have to try to numb myself, given the circumstances.
It makes it hard to move on as well, try to find someone new, when it’s quite literally a 24/7 reminder.
I am taking medications, all is not lost, but I wish there was a cure.
Talking Points
I’ve been really active on Twitter, but Twitter isn’t the best place for ideas or conversation points greater than a single paragraph.
I’m just going to write some things down here, that I’ve been thinking about and putting on Twitter, and maybe I’ll revisit these topics in the future:
The European Slave Trade: If what North Africans and “Western Asian” people did to Europeans so long ago is a fact of reality, and trauma can be passed on from generation to generation, I feel like it makes sense for the “anti-black” culture we see today in the world. This doesn’t excuse racism, we should be treating everyone with love and respect, ideally, however, if a European guy saw a Moor slaughter his entire village and turn his wife into a concubine, and then forced him to have kids, and somehow, those same feelings can be passed down through their genes, like it’s “instincts” to avoid this person, does it correlate that white people of today, react the same way towards the black people of today?
This is getting messy.
But if they respond like this, and then inflict that same trauma on the black people of today, in the event that black people rise out of the vice grip of the dominant people, and “history repeats itself” doesn’t it seem like this is just a cycle of revenge?
A Tradition of Trauma?
We did this to them, it affects them to a point that they do it to us, we rise up, only to do it back again, to them?
I know it’s hard to imagine but, the cycle must be broken.
From how I see it, all races/nationalities/ethnic groups are fractured in the current political climate, be it language barriers, skin tone or even how they cook.
What a time to be alive.
That’s all.
I’m back
OMFG, HI, TO ANYONE WHO READS THIS, HOW ARE YOU!?
ME!? ME?!?!!? I’ve literally just been Playing Loop Hero for DAYS ON END now and I beat the Game and one of the Secret Bosses yesterday and today.
Anyway, I’m back from that high and headache, romanticizing e-girls while dreading the fact that it is almost certain that next month I will begin working mother fucking 64 hour work weeks.
The Good News? I create a tentative schedule so I can work and still participate in my online classes for my associates degree.
The Bad News?
I’M WORKING 64 HOURS A FUCKING WEEK!!!!!!
There’s A LOT I could go into about it but, just pray for me.
I’m going to start up another game, or at least try to finish it but not as AGGRESSIVELY as I played Loop Hero. Man just typing the title makes me want to go back and play… Jesus. Really, what I’m thinking of trying to do is beat another Secret Boss and get the last few dialogue trees of the Final Boss, but it’s honestly not too important, just something I could jump into when I’m bored…
With all the said, I’ve been setting up my Twitch channel, and trying to think of ways to make this “influencer” life more uh, portable I guess.
More details in the coming months tho, later.
...Am I the Problem?
What’s up party people in the place to be! I know, I haven’t written anything here in a while but I was thinking as I do, and I started having these thoughts like “I would treat her better, I know how to take care of a girl like that” along those lines and I had to take a step back and say “HOLD THE FUCK ON, WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM???”
I’ve decided to be celibate for a while now, as I work on myself physically, emotionally, etc. I’ve been comfortable with this and I’ve been expressing my comfort with myself to people I feel closest to in life, because I’m at a place where I don’t have to prove anything to anyone but myself, right? That’s how I see it.
So, when those thoughts grazed my frontal lobe it was a quick, easy catch, because that’s not who I am, that’s not who I want to be, that’s not who I choose to be. So what fucking gives???
I felt, fairly “egotistical,” that line of thinking, more so than what I already think I need to do to improve my quality of life. Felt very “Incel” and I’m not involuntarily celibate if I’m choosing celibacy, right? So that was weird.
But I think it comes down to my current, or the friend group I have right now that I talk to the most. Basically, I’m disillusioned with them, I hold them in less regard than I did when I first met them, and while it’s me that people usually outgrow, this time, the tables seem to have turned.
I find myself now, desiring more and more to work on personal projects, and things that are important to me, things that make me feel good, and not performative or empty gestures to keep this friend group, friends.
There’s a good number of us in the group chat but really, like 3-4 of us regularly talk to one another, it’s almost like what’s the point sometimes, because most days the chat devolves into arguments, and people can’t be bothered to read what was said or they just don’t care. I don’t know, but I do know I don’t want to talk to people that don’t care about what I have to say. My time would literally be better just doing this, blogging, out into the void.
So, as I update a game on my phone that’s taking 3.3GB to download, I realize I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, more than a month, but I don’t know how to break the news to them. Granted, someone form the chat could read this blog and share it with everyone else, but I’d bet $50 that it wouldn’t happen, not even by the end of next week, unless this is God’s plan at this point.
Anyway, playing more Monster Hunter, trying to be consistent with drawing, and I feel like I’m actually getting more comfortable with procreate, with the movement of my hand and the feel of the Apple Pencil on Glass. It’s activating the reward and pleasure centers of my brain lol
Write Something Reminder 7/3/2022
Uh, I don’t have much to get off my chest in this one, I don’t even think I’ll share it to facebook, but maybe I will, idk.
I just wanted to write something more than a tweet, really get into the habit of writing more often.
Writing out my thoughts like that really seems to get the juices flowing, but, it’s 4:38AM and I’m at work, I’m not in a comfortable relaxed environment where I can produce a solid essay, a good few paragraphs, so I’ll get to the point:
I’m working on a video game.
I will start making art with traditional mediums again, and not just digital.
I’m not celebrating the 4th of July this year, I’m going to work.
Cya!
"Write Something!" Notification: 1/1/2022
Hey Party People in the place to be! It’s ya’boi!
So A LOT has been going on, and thinking about it now I didn’t say enough about what’s been going on (here) BUT! I’ve been vocal as all hell on instagram (@yahomied)
First things first: Abortion should be Legal, EVERYWHERE.
And now that I’ve stopped being flooded with waves of rage and violence I think I can finally take a construction course of action to help sway policy makers on their rulings. Hopefully.
SECOND!
I have some artwork up at the Piano Craft Gallery ( 793 Tremont St, Boston, MA 02118 ) for I suppose, the next 7-Days or so? I’ll have to see when I can go and pick my work back up again but yeah, first kind of, “real life” art experience, which is cool! What I wish though is that I had more work to put on display that I was proud of. I mean I was limited to 5 but thinking about it now, while I shy away from being in a gallery, having to prepare and make work for one was an experience that filled me with ADRENALINE, and while I couldn’t be at the show myself, HOPEFULLY! I’ll be at a show in the future. You can CLICK HERE to see the work that is on display.
It’s been a rough few days filled with miracles honestly and I find myself in awe at the God I’ve named Entropy, as he/she/it displays that sometimes it’s “Randomness” can be a string of fortunate events.
I’ve been telling my friends I love them, working out, paying my bills on time, and outside of working 6 days a week, genuinely thriving, or at least surviving long enough to make it to a point where I can relax, decompress, and be stress free, and those periods where I’m stressed seem to get shorter and shorter, which also feels amazing.
This is really just me reflecting on the last 72 hours, this new exercise that I’d been avoiding, “Write Something,” and marking as “Complete” even if the only thing I wrote for the evening was a tweet on my Twitter, which TECHNICALLY checks off the box but, tonight I wanted to write something with a bit more substance.
Met some pretty cool people earlier during my shift at work as well, artists popping up left and right, it’s like I’ve begun to find my “tribe” in a sense. It’s just been so, incredible. It’s really hard to describe, even though the country is in turmoil in some sense (when isn’t it?) And me personally, I’m not celebrating SHIT on the 4th of July (my ass is going to work) but I suppose there are diamonds in the rough, good in the bad.
The larger issues I can’t fix on my own, but my own life just keeps getting better and better.
That New Sh*t!
Hey gang, I know I usually post once a month but I put a reminder on my phone to “write something.”
It could be a blog (like this one) a poem, (which I did recently just write, fulfilling that reminder so technically I don’t have to write this but, whatever) or an essay or some notes.
I wanted to update this blog however, and as a teen I used to blog a ton! It’s freeing, relaxing, and since the reminder is at the end of my work shift, 11PM, I realized it really lets me recollect and decompress my day, think about what I did right or wrong and help me work on my strengths and weaknesses, and I like that!
Of course, because it’s not a “once a month” blog anymore, updates may not be as meaty, lengthy. It could just be short blurbs that end abruptly but I’ll try to avoid things like that, I hope.
Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say!
Peace, Love and Coffee Mugs!