Happy Black History Month: 2025

It took me a while to establish a “Black American” identity, and I’m still learning about the history of African American’s as I approach my 40’s.

I’m trying not to lose my mind as I pay attention to the news, but everyday I wonder how more people “stay in control” or why there aren’t more assassins, homicidal maniacs, that way want to “change the world.” Free Luigi.

Here’s a text message I sent my brother about my dinner last night, just thought I’d share, cause it looks like a small novel on my phone:

“Gonna fuck around and order Pho to the house again. That big ass blue mixing bowl was the move, however, it's getting the right temperature to cook all the meat that matters. (This is random I know I just need to get it out of my head)

What I did was I used my kettle and added the hot water to the broth. Surprisingly it didn't water it down too much, but also I paid like double the price of what I would normally pay if I had just gone in the restaurant and sat down to eat. Not a big fan of that, but it was Sunday night AND Lunar New Year them bitches were PACKED.

Anyway”

___________________

I’m back in school, trying to find a balance between what I want to do and what I need to do but also that 1% of my day is only “14 minutes” so I think, if I put a timer on my phone for 15 minutes I can take a little break and do something I’m interested in. I don’t know how far this will extend, if it will get to my art, because art typically takes longer than 15 minutes, but even if I visit the same piece for 15 minutes a day over multiple days, or do an art exercise for 15 minutes a day, I think I can get value out of that.

Also, I have this funny feeling that I’ve fallen in love. I wrote a poem about it, but it’s still a draft. The idea behind it though is that I feel comfortable, I feel calm, I feel kind of safe, in this new feeling of “love.” It’s unlike any feeling I’ve felt before, in regards to the idea that, love is usually a high. Infatuation, lust, a crush, it feels like a “rush.”

This felt like a warm blanket, enveloping me, like I was aware that my nervous system was calming down.

I’m excited to see where this goes, I don’t think it’ll turn into anything… I don’t know, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t think it will immediately change my life, but I like that I’m feeling this. It’s new. It’s nice.

Psychosis: The Final Chapter(s)

While I’m in this process of realization, I hate how my psychosis made me hate people I love. And I also hate how people I love left me to deal with this on my own. It wasn’t everyone, but I’m anticipating being assaulted by voices that will sarcastically “welcome” me to the “club” although the club itself, is a hallucination, a headache, if you will. And while these bridges are burned, it also saddens me that we don’t, in reality, have telepathy. A network of friends that we can tap into for reassurance when times are tough, not belittle each other. To be a psychic link and anticipate or even plan better days to come. I’m so sad

——

But, at least I now know that if I decide to have children, and they are afflicted with my malady (apparently this shit is genetic) then I can help guide them through it. I suppose that is the light at the end of this 14 year long tunnel….

Things That Bother Me: 01

A while ago I wrote a tweet about a voice/personality in my head that had been obsessed with “explosions” in Japanese media (anime/manga) and how that relates to the history of Japan with the dropping of the atomic bomb in WW2.

The voice is also twisted in this way that it thinks most modern Japanese heroes in anime and manga are actually the villains and the villains are the true heroes, save perhaps the series “My Hero Academia” and maybe also “One Piece.”

But where does this come from? I would take it as far back to feudal Japan, and the often titled “Demon Lord” Oda Nobunaga.

It was his idea to “unify” Japan from a series of fiefdoms into a whole country under one banner.

To an American, this sounds like the right thing to do, but how did it affect the lives of the Japanese people at the time?

War and bloodshed.

So to go from living your life without worry of anyone else to soon seeing your friends and family murdered at the hands of warriors seeking riches and honor, it’s no wonder why that would be “bad.”

And the modern “hero” that wants to uphold that same unity, to prevent the “villain” from “doing whatever they want” like “the old days” it’s almost like a twist on what is good and what is bad.

I’m not saying this is right or wrong, what I’m saying is I’m tired of thinking about it.

I don’t need to be hallucinating and trying to ingest a heavy dose of Japanese reverse psychology, but if I hadn’t written this out I don’t know what I’d be thinking right now, on the day of our lord at 2:52 in the fucking morning.

What Could have Been and What May Be

What’s up party people in the place to be?!

Welcome to your undoing! The new Year!

Welcome to 2025…

Miraculously, I remembered to update this blog on the first day of the month, and hopefully we continue that pattern going forward from now until I can’t.

I’m opening this year well rested. I didn’t party last night, although I did enjoy a shot and went promptly to sleep, skipping celebrations with friends I may or may not have seen on my way from work to the train station.

My new years resolution is to get out of the house more. Go back to partying, enjoying life, rather than surviving it.

As I type I’m listening to a DJ on Instagram chop and screw an instrumental from one of the Megaman X games, and it brings me back to a time where I had friends like him in my life.

For better or worse, they’re gone now, and not dead, certainly not forgotten but on a mutual path of “dislike” between the two of us.

I think often, of what could have been, what we could be doing, chopping up beats, meeting recreationally, rapping, making art at least monthly and publishing it, moving forward together as creative forces, rather than being forced to walk this creative journey alone. Still, life hands me lemons, and as I watch people go off, get married, have kids, try and sometimes fail, I fall further out of love with the idea of settling down and starting a family, my roots beginning to steadily and more firmly plant themselves in individualism, perhaps to be uprooted by the augur of old age and “fomo” well into my 50’s or some shit.

All that to say I’m starting the New Year sad. Bank accounts balanced, but money can’t buy the happiness I’m seeking.

Still, YOU, reader, don’t have to be sad with me, so if you’ve still got some libations, pour a drink for the both of us, and I hope you have a Happy New Year!

Jesus Christ

What’s up party people in the place to be!

I DEFINITELY failed a class.

I don’t know what it was, maybe it was the late start, maybe I was busy at work, maybe I was just lazy, or a combination of it all, the fact is, I bombed that shit.

On the bright side, it was 1 of 2 classes, and I’m thinking I at least got a B is not a C+ in the other.

Now that I’m done for, a few weeks at least, I think about video games, and the thought terrifies me a little, only because while my head was in the books, my wallet was on amazon, gamestop, Walmart, amassing a collection of games I can’t hope to play all at once or even TRY to play and keep up with everything that’s going to come out next year.(Monster Hunter Wilds I’m looking at you…)

The good thing is I can play video games without worrying about turning in a paper at midnight, the bad thing is that I can play video games without worrying about turning in a paper at midnight.

I’ll figure it out.

Recently learned there are some new readers, people in my “in-person” life that read my blog! Hello? How are you? I hope you enjoy your stay!

And other than that it’s that time of the year again, CRIMUS!

And I still haven’t bought my mother a gift. Jeez.

Peace out girlscouts! See you in the next one!

Before I Forget!

It’s odd for me to think that I continue to learn at the age of 36. I know they say “never stop learning” but I feel like for my background, I should be more stubborn, more “Set in my ways.”

I’m dreaming of my ex again, I’m hearing voices again. I’m taking my medication and today, a little extra, to help with the peanut gallery, and I’m finding people online that speak about their experiences with schizo-affective disorder as well, on YouTube and other social media.

We have VERY different experiences.

Still, it’s nice knowing that there are others talking about it.

I’ve made it to the end of another year. Just about a month and two weeks or less to go.

My New Year’s Resolution is to get back outside and party more. COVID really took that away from me, but I’m in the house most weekends if I’m not playing Pokemon GO at Joe Moakley Field, so I want to experience night life again. I think it will be good for me.

I might not have a Spring 2025 semester, but everyone says a break will be good, so I’m not worrying about it too much, but I am still hoping to be in at least one class to keep my school brain screwed on tight.

F*ck it, we blog

Yo! What’s up party people in the place to be!

First: No, I did not vote for Donald Trump.

Second: I wanted to write this blog on my computer, even brought my laptop to my bed, intending on using it while I played YouTube videos in the background.

I regret to inform you that I am actually typing this blog entry on my phone.

The election news shocked everybody, and even people I follow in different countries echo that the ripple effects will be felt around the world, no doubt, especially in Palestine.

I wrote this to a friend on Instagram:

“Been letting a wave of emotions kind of wash over me after the election results. Just kind of baffled that people can vote to take rights away.

Before I dump on you:

1. I hope you’re doing okay, and if there’s anything I can say or do to help if you aren’t, please let me know.

_____

To make a long story short, I’ve been lying at work, acting as if I voted for Harris. Mostly because it’s been presented like she was the only option.

Now that this hullabaloo is over I feel like I want to dive much deeper into mutual aid and community building. I don’t know where to start, I have an idea, maybe start with a sheet of places to volunteer, links to services or something, just something that’s counter to the war machine, but also more productive than screaming into the void that is the internet.

I had to let the violent thoughts pass. Had to think beyond punching my “friend” that wanted to vote for Trump, try and find ways and posts that didn’t shame my other friend for not voting.

It’s a wild time to be alive, but I feel now, after meditating on this stuff, that now is most definitely the time to be trying to make a difference.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk lol”

__________

My feelings are that now, more than ever is a time to build community. I don’t know in what way shape or aspect that looks like for me but I have to start somewhere.

I’m not alone in this sentiment, and I know that there are organizations working at state level to establish protections for women’s body autonomy and rights for the LGBTQIA.

Trump winning again means he can’t run a third time, which is good, but also I feel like he doesn’t plan to. In my head, he plans to uproot the legal framework of the American government and hold power as long as possible, extending his presidency as a dictatorship, King of America.

I don’t mind being invaded by China, but that too, is not ideal.

I hope it’s only 4 years.

I hope things get better.

I hope we have democratic candidates that think of the little guy.

I hope I hope I hope I hope!

I have so much hope! So much love!

But having it and working it into service for others are two different things.

Your hope, rage, and love should radicalize you, galvanize you to pour into your communities and make better the world and system that’s betrayed you, turned its back on you.

Those are my ideas anyway.

Outside of that?

I’m hoping I can pay off my credit cards this holiday season, and keep them paid off through most, if not all of next year.

It’s not really a resolution, but more so a goal.

I need to build a financial base for myself.

There are video games to buy!

Peace out Girl and Boy Scouts!

Better Left Unsaid

This blog would’ve been in place of “Vlog 2” or “Small Talk, Episode 2” had I not recorded that video first.

But it’s more of a list of concepts, blurbs, broken sentences instead of actually a coherent message.

It could’ve gone by many titles: “Anxieties” “Observations at 36” “Word Salad” etc.

Without further ado, here it is:

My hygiene is bad, and I think everyday of how to improve it.

I’m fat.

I’m falling behind in school.

I wonder if I made a patreon if people would pay for it, what would I even offer?

How do I write a script for YouTube?

We all start somewhere.

I’ve been enjoying drawing recently but also sabotaged myself.

I need to take another day off from work to go and see my doctor.

I want to lose weight FAST.

I’ve decided to substitute candy with fruit.

It’s hard playing two mobile games or more consistently.

I want the future now. The good stuff anyway.

I did not vote for Kamala Harris, but I did vote.

Right now (as I’m typing) I have a headache.

I have an additional book to read about writing and I’m worried my writing, prose and poetry is becoming too academic as opposed to just going with the flow, vibing.

Is this, technically prose?

Fin.

VLOG 2

Best Friends Forever

Two days ago I had a dream about my ex.

Which is, fairly normal, right?

There’s no reason, stereotypically, for a man, like me, to make a big deal out of that.

Anyway, what’s up party people in the place to be, it’s ya’boi, Dan the Man, coming at’cha live at the beginning of the month or near it for another HOT BLOG ENTRY. Ya’love to see it.

I’ve been thinking more and more about my predicament with my ex, not being friends and being blocked on everything, and I don’t know why but it hit me that “wait, isn’t that like normal?”

I literally don’t know anyone that’s friends with their ex. Why did I expect to be friends with her for the rest of my life after a break up? We all know where that leads, regrets, affairs, etc. What the fuck was I thinking?

To tell you the truth, I don’t know. It’s not like she was the only girlfriend I’ve ever had, it’s not like she was the only girl I’ve ever been with, far from it, but I suppose I was so hung up on what felt like such a unique circumstance that our bond must be able to stand the test of time.

None of this occurred to me in my years of madness.

I had been avoiding relationships so much, or I had been in such unique, non sequitur love affairs that I had no idea what it meant to be in a “normal” relationship.

Now a few years removed from my terrible twenties I’m entering my 40’s with even more understanding than what I thought was already sufficient.

Yes the voices are still there but so is my medication.

Yes I do sometimes feel like I love her from the bottom of my heart but she hates my guts.

Yes I was rare to meet someone from Norway but wasn’t it just as rare to meet the girls from Sweden, Costa Rica, Bulgaria, South Africa, and other parts of the world?

It boggles the mind sometimes, and surely you’d agree.

Anyway, I’m about to start the fall semester at UMass, somehow I survived the summer, and sometimes I wake up with the feeling that I’m too overwhelmed to continue on this journey, as if it’d be easier to stay where I am for the rest of my days and die a security guard, a doorman, concierge.

That’s not gonna fucking happen...!