Inspiration

While your life and the horrors that came with it are no longer a topic, voices keep saying I was “suicidal” for being social in my terrible twenties.

I think it’s in relation to how many young people in the 90’s in Norway, wanted to or thought about making “Black Metal” music, so getting black out drunk like I did might inspire an up and coming artist in Norway to idk, murder you?

That’s the only way I’m making sense of this shit.

Death

Voices say you’ve committed suicide, again.

I took a nap earlier in the day and woke up to that news.

And while I’m not hearing anymore about the sexual war crimes done to you, I hope you find peace in the afterlife, or in your next life, whatever they mean by “suicide.”

What I’ve come to understand from all of this madness is that maybe, possibly, we didn’t know each other all that well at all, but again, we were teenagers, teenagers that thought they knew the world and really didn’t. At least that was me.

But I was willing to learn and grow, honestly, and I still am, albeit, I’m a bit more cautious now, in some ways.

Anyway. Peace, blessings, love and joy.

I wish the best for you.

Even in death.

“Yup”

When Odin “shot you” the voices are saying if I let you hit the ground you’d have pretended to have amnesia and have gone to go have sex with someone. Thats “being playful.”

Do what you want

I’m stuck trying to figure out if I’m over you or not.

If I’m still insane or not.

The voices call me smart, they say I don’t want you back, but they keep talking about you anyway.

I do not understand.

I don’t know how to move forward.

Well I do but I feel like I’m missing something.

Something seems off about it all.

I’ll just keep working on myself I know but I want this to stop.

Bet

Voices say you made a bet that I would commit suicide…

Edit: Voices say you regret having sex with me.

Edit: Had a talk with my brother a few moments ago, he told me instead of saying “I’m thinking about my ex” I could just say “I’m having an episode.”

I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. Maybe I’m just too honest.

Regardless I’m gonna try dating again. Maybe. But I have some motivation now.

edit: voices say you just “turned all the way up” to write “so what” and if it didn’t matter in anyway you wouldn’t bother writing at all.

“Spit”

Voices are telling me that night you “went on a date” with whomever that when you said you “spit on the plate” it means you sucked his dick until he ejaculated and spit his cum/semen on the dinner/paper plate. Whatever plate it was, as if he’d care after getting fellatio about what the fuck you spit out.

Edit: I got drunk today. How drunk? I’m so drunk I’m having a hangover before I fall asleep…

New 4 ur mynd

I got high without “paranoia” which would be the frequency of black metal

but I’m high so I forgot what else I wanted to type…

something something I’m without you

Edit: what are you going to “feel like” you “cheated on me” with everyone I introduce you too I stg…

Edit: I’m six ways past drunk

But if you were here right now, I wouldn’t be watching Instagram live.

I’d be doing “something else” … believe that

Edit: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C9SdYebpuPl/?igsh=dG1lMWh6bzQ3aWE1

Edit: random- I have to masturbate for these people…

Edit: the reason you don’t want to be with anyone that can stay “faithful” is that I the stereophonic identity of “black metal” that would mean the “faithful” person would have the ability to kill someone, and potentially make a “hit” black metal song or a song that could never be understood.

Father Fucker

You’re going to just be in a relationship with your “father”

Okay

Edit: Apparently I’m a “gay” and you wanted me to be a “fag “

Ya vi elsker kamping

Edit: I’m your father’s penis, or his dick head, the glans.

And instead of sucking it you’d just be with me.

Something about him not being able to get enough.

While I’m in a busy restaurant with a friend, trying to enjoy what little life I have, away from

This madness.

edit: ate poop. Cool. Go away.

Edit: there is no going back for you, voices say.

Edit: you just have sex with your dad. That’s who you wear makeup for now.

Edit: you just got shot in the head by your “dad”

Edit: you’d rather die than have sex with anyone

Edit: it’s possible that you “smell like cancer”

Edit: you’re “someone that loves me” and what you mean by that is that you love your father’s cock. Okay.

Slut

You “aren’t a slut” unless they “turn you all the way up”

And that’s why we break up/broke up so often.

This is the reason why you don’t want to be with someone “faithful” like me, apparently.

Edit: a girl just approached me at the bus stop a few minutes ago.

For that brief moment my mind wasn’t racked with thoughts of you, but the voices were still present.

At some point I realized that, and the ideal scenario is that a woman approaches me and tells me she wants to be with me, but the voices foreshadow that at some point, further in the relationship, past the honeymoon phase you’d reemerge like some leviathan from the deep, and I’d have to explain myself.

Maybe I’d try to make that honeymoon phase last as long as possible, I don’t know but today a new relationship, at least for the last half hour, felt doable.

Oh and also voices say your “father” told you you were adopted in Argentina and then proceeded to kiss you. Fucking gross.

Edit: Voices in my head keep making me feel like I should have kissed that girl, that I just met, who I let borrow my phone so she could call her boyfriend…

like I have all the context to know that that would be the absolute wrong thing to do but for some odd reason I feel like if I did it I’d have a chance of being in a relationship with her or at least sex??? It’s a fucking backwards feeling, like the world doesn’t work like porn, and I know that. What the fuck.

edit: “Don’t be (insert you name)‘s you seriously would’ve gotten a goddamn blowjob if you were turned all the way up.”

Edit: Voices say you weren’t wearing makeup cause you were thinking about someone else while you were with me in Boston… there are honestly more important things to care about…

Edit: Okay back to the girl I just met, apparently, Mike Fonseca would’ve asked “do you want to make out” and voices are telling me she would’ve said yes and then would have wanted to kill herself.

She seemed nice, and I’m sure her boyfriend would be upset if she just randomly died so I’m glad I didn’t do that. Lol.

Edit: Voices say you’re “someone who loves me” and that’s why you’re unfaithful because that’s what they all would be.

I assume that’s a reference to all the girls that confessed love for me “turned up” but this is absolutely not what I want, or expected.

Ignorance

Voices say you wanted to cry when you read that on xanga I was hanging out with that girl “because you weren’t around”

Voices also say that if Aaron had stayed faithful, you would’ve been with him, I’d run into you at church and you’d pretend like you didn’t know me.

I mean, there’s an odd chance that sure I’d show up, especially if they do what they did to me to make me go to New York and Norway, but there’s a greater chance that without that, you wouldn’t have seen me at all.

Horrible

Voices say while you were mid blowjob with a police officer he used a gun to shoot his penis off of his body.

They say if I said “I love you” you’d decide then and there to cheat on me and go through with it.

Why bother with relationships at all? Why get married? Why have a child? Why date???

Edit: back to this fucking hostel shit. I don’t know if this psychosis is getting better or worse cause now women walking down the street are talking about you! Saying you gave head to 5 people and drove past me that night!

Why do these fucking stories keep repeating?!

I want to stop hurting

I know we “broke up” before you got to Boston, fine.

Voices keep saying you had sex every night and that’s how you got the alcohol at the hostel in Boston.

I feel, odd.

It’s a dull pain, every time they bring it up.

Like someone punching you in the chest lightly.

But my heart can’t be broken any further.

I don’t remember it all that well.

I don’t know if you told me, or what to even say.

They keep saying, every time you kissed me, when I asked, you were trying to tell me.

What were you doing? Sparing my feelings?

Why do I have to “find out” like this?

And is it even true?

Yes, yes, there was another girl there. She could’ve had sex and gave it to you, to share. Fine. Maybe that’s true, but I honestly don’t want to be stuck here just debating what I know and nonsense.

I want to go back to no thinking, to diligently doing whatever task at hand, to maybe having the hope of finding someone new that would love me for who I am.

This is literally fucking torture.