Vacuum Cleaner/Wave Fist

Voices are talking about you again.

They make it sound like in every scenario you exist in, in the end you always commit suicide.

Like we have to travel the multiverse to see if there’s a life where you live into old age or some shit.

They were talking about when you (if you) gave birth to your daughter when the cleaning lady at work turned on the vacuum cleaner and I couldn’t hear anything after that, just the vacuum…

I wish the vacuum was on all day.

Edit: To borrow from Marvels “What if” series on Disney+ (the streaming service) episode 4 season 1, voices make it sound like your suicide is an “Absolute Point” in time.

The catalyst to what however, I do not know.

I know I for one am not becoming a “super hero” because of it. Wonder who is…

Edit: Voices keep saying you knew who you wanted to be with in the year 2005. That I can be with “anyone I want” but you cannot.

Comfort Zone

Voices keep saying if I was like your “father” then id be over or under someone else.

What they don’t understand is that, living the life I used to live would just bring more pain into the world, now that you’re a constant thought in my head again.

Pain from my heart.

Physical pain of headaches trying to block you out.

Emotionally distant from my partner and their own distress.

I don’t want to live like that, and it’s far easier for me to just be alone.

I’m used to that.

I understand that.

I’m not bothering anyone with this silly little blog no one reads.

I’m not causing strife or even “reupholstering” someone’s lovers vagina so that they have to instruct them on how to be fucked in the future.

I’m fine on my own.

A familiar, solitary trail.

Plots and Schemes

Voices want me to write out things that will either prevent or cause tragedies in your life.

It’s your life, you live it the way you want to live it, I’m sick of being slave to these thoughts in my head so I’m gonna try something different.

I’m just gonna write about how annoying this shit is, or maybe I’ll write a poem, or some prose, maybe nothing will make sense at all.

Cause as much mayhem as you fucking want, just don’t bring any of it my way.

Peace and Love.

Edit: Voices say I scare you, and my therapist said the same thing. Good. Stay away, take care of yourself, your family, I gave you all the keys to start building a financially stable future for you and yours truly.

I just want to clear my head and you won’t give me that. 🎶 “Okay Fine Whatever” 🎶

You know everything I’ve ever had to fucking say and everything I will ever say again.

I just want the madness to stop. I want to keep living at the end of the day.

My Death

Voices say I will kill myself by getting back into a relationship with (insert your name)

Life was fun. I don’t regret anything.

edit: Voices say you speak English the way you do cause you wanted to live in London.

Voices say you cheated on Howard at a hostel in London.

Voices say I would make you a lesbian.

Voices saying a lot.

Music you can "Feel"

No one will ever understand how inadequate you are or feel through “Black Metal.”

I don’t know who I’m writing to right now but I gotta get this out of my head.

“Black Metal” in itself I feel has one emotion: Anger. If you can stick to that then whatever, but you can’t even understand the lyrics. What the fuck else could you possibly “feel” ???

Have you tried making “Phonk” instead?

As a subgenera and the active EDM scene it’s music designed to be turned all the way up so people get on drugs and LITERALLY feel the sound waves at a show or club and it makes me move.

Granted I don’t know how many emotions can be attuned to this genre of music but it has to be a bit more than just straight up anger?

What fucking Black Metal song could make you sad? happy? Nervous? (Maybe) the list goes fucking on!

Do something else with your life you fucking loser.

Edit:

Metal is Dead. It had it’s own Apocalypse and it was an animated TV show.

So let me get this straight...

Voices are saying you’d get back together with me to burn my house down, slit my wrists and commit suicide just because I “ruined your life” and now I’m “someone you can’t forget about” ?

Thanks but not thanks.

edit:

Edit: Voices say you blocked me because you cheated on me or felt like you cheated on me.

And what, you can’t own up to that? You just block the person so you never have to take accountability.

Yeah you told me you couldn’t be strong but I didn’t think you’d be this fucking weak.

But all things considered another girl I’ve dated did the same thing. Blocked me everywhere, and when I confronted her about it maybe two weeks ago now instead of sending a message to me she sent a message to my brother, to tell me.

Please don’t tell me you’re that fucking stupid too.

Edit: Back to the story of you loving me, but I’m represented as your “fathers” penis, and to “love me” you perform fellatio on it.

Very weird, strange, but they did drop the truth bomb a few nights ago that it was “someone else” and I pondered for a bit, “yeah, what did happen to the girl that stayed with the Indian?”

If she was tangible, a real person, not a radio form body, the voices imply that SOMEONE had to foot the bill, and it was Steinar, I guess, so she has to “pay what she owes” and in that regard it’s paid back, or majority of things have had to have been paid back sexually.

edit: Voices are still going on about “making Black Metal” and that me writing out the horrors of your waking life, or someone else’s, steals the inspiration to make their songs or something like that.

If the inspiration can be stolen so easily, again, why not just make the lyrics up? Why not just read this blog and think about how you feel? Why is it tied to a real life persons emotional/neurological response? Why can’t it just be disturbing lyrics? Tyler the Creator?

What the fuck makes “Black Metal” so special that all the lyrics have to be inspired by real life events?

Couldn’t it just be history?

Mother fucking there’s a band called “The Protomen” that make up lyrics based on the “Megaman” franchise games from the company Capcom.

That world is entirely fiction, and they add to it by making the lyrics about an even more dystopian setting.

Why the fuck can’t they just do that instead?!

Shitty fucking music I stg…

Symptom Stopper

Voices say you wanted me to stop having psychosis, and it feels like it’s happening right now, idk that or I’m getting enough sleep.

They still say that you’re going to kill yourself, which is sad in a way, but we both know how powerless I am when it comes to you doing the things you want to do.

Maybe I’ll see you in the next life.

Take care.

Car Accident in Boston

Voices say the day you were in Boston, when you let go of my hand and ran into the street, when the car almost hit you, if I had a credit card you would’ve taken it to buy a ticket to, somewhere, idk, and have run away from me.

I vaguely remember giving you my wallet but still…

It’s fucked up, but what isn’t fucked up in my head right now.

I don’t want to think or have to care about this.

Like yeah it’s a bad hit but I’m not even certain about what freaked you out so badly. Like I know why I saw, thought and felt but that girl is dead now… and even if she weren’t it’s not as if I can co front her about it, because apparently everyone doing this shit has no recollection of the events, or is lying to me.

So you can see and understand just how maddening this is for me.

Anyway.

Edit: They say “Steinar” “turned all the way up” to get you to steal my credit card. Glad I didn’t have one back then…

Whore 2.0

Voices keep going on and on about how you’d never be in Boston without being turned all the way up because you’d be slow and a hoe.

They’ve been saying this for like the last few hours, kind of baiting me to type it out.

I was in the kitchen eating strawberries tho, and I didn’t have my phone.

The voices have been a bit easier to deal with, I apologize for the recent e-mails, sometimes they get the best of me.

Deliberately

Voices say after the night you gave the blowjob for your laptop, you would deliberately close it/put it away before engaging with dudes at the hostel. So whatever you did with them, the laptop was safe first

Edit: voices say you vomited on someone

Big Fish in Norway

The scenario laid out if I was an ex pat in Norway:

voices say you’d just want me to sleep around with people, effectively a becoming a common ancestor, but everyone I sleep with would be someone else’s partner, they just can’t get it up anymore because of how closely related they are.

But I can also imagine all of my offspring/children being raped or molested due to that cultural inclination for revenge, and if my kids/offspring develop mental disorders, personality complex’s or become suicidal and kill themselves because of said revenge, what was the point of being a common ancestor to begin with?

Lmao

Longest Email Ever

Voices in my head said you’ll “never be a Fairclough” and you’ll send me the longest suicide note ever as an email.

Okay.

Ready when you are.

Edit: You also admitted that you are a monster

Why… why…

If I’m such a fucking joke…

If your “father” was orchestrating everything,

Why did we ever meet at all?

If this is all null and void please leave me to rot alone.

Please.

You want to stay turned up?

So other people can’t “become Dan Fairclough” ?

Are they just lined up or something? Is this a competition???

Edit: Deja is staying turned up for Mike, and they say there’s a “you” not me, but you, who I write to, in Boston that stays “turned all the way up” and is sleeping with a police officer cause he’ll just beat on her if she cheats or whatever and that’s what she wants.

K.