Japanese Jazz
Tweets
Probably one of the hardest things to hear in my head when no one is around is how much my ex hates me, unprompted. That she wants me to be shot, wants to smack me, wants me dead, blah blah blah. I’m not perfect by any means, but I don’t think I deserve violence either.
The worst part about this is hearing it, and knowing I’m still in a minor aspect, loving her, while also trying to honor whomever else wants to enter my life with love as well. Like I don’t want jump into a relationship when my ever other thought is about my ex, but also-
I have to try to find some constructive way to move on… I’ve pretty much sworn off marriage and kids, and explored ideas about polyamory, or other non-monogamous consensual roles in relationships, none of it really feels right, and I mostly just want to be alone.
She Doesn't Love Me, Leave Me Alone
She Doesn't Love Me, Leave Me Alone.
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Voices
Voices keep saying you want me to die.
I know it’s been over for a while now.
I’m not “harassing” you anymore,
or I’m trying REALLY REALLY HARD not to.
I don’t know what you want from me.
I just want to talk to you.
Edit: Voices say Howard is trans. Post-opt, I assume, because they also say you “only make out” with him.
New Revelations from a whore and the unloved
Voices say you “lost it” on someone at the hostel in Boston I assume and then you had “sex” with them over and over.
Voices say this is another person you’re trying to convince to “get over it” or that whatever happened was just what it was and nothing more.
Work is busy today, or at least there’s an incident that needs a bit more attention than most days.
I don’t know what to feel, or what to think. I almost stayed in bed all day but I remembered I have responsibilities if not to my job than to myself, so I got up, did a shot of mouth wash, got dressed. I recently got a haircut so I didn’t brush my hair, it’s so low you could barely call it hair but still.
I had a little dream about you last night though, we were together in bed, but I forget what we were chatting about.
It felt good to think of you fondly, and I think that’s what I hate the most.
Not that I think about you, but that I still feel for you. And after all this time, after all that I’ve done, and what you haven’t done, that I can still feel “good” about “us.”
But maybe that’s the key to a strong marriage, one person that doesn’t quit.
One person that wants to do the right thing.
One person that will be there through thick and thin.
While the other one rots, is unfaithful, comes and goes as they please.
Who do I even blame for the “warm and fuzzies” myself? You?
I am who I am, and I’ve accepted that, but still.
Unfortunate_Romantic
Edit: Voices say you will “ignore me until I’m dead”
I’m just gonna go ahead and believe that.
I have nothing to say
And yet I find the words.
Love songs.
Poems.
Anger.
My love,
My hate,
And all of my sorrow.
I have that to you,
And no one else.
If that’s not enough,
Please,
Just let me move on.
In the next life,
Maybe,
Just maybe we’ll talk about it,
As long as the wheel turns.
And the sun,
Rises in the sky.
Getting what I want
Yeah, a long life full of whores and narcotics.
Halle-fucking-lujah!
Image Dump in a few minutes. I’m eating.
Edit: I had forgotten about the image dump cause I’m reading for class, here it is:
Sewer Slide
“Congratulations Nigger”
Those were the words the voices in my head told me had come from Howard, a neo-Nazi.
They keep saying you don’t want to be American.
They keep talking about divorce. Or at least in this moment they were.
They say you have nothing to say to me, or you don’t know what to say.
Honestly I don’t even know why that transmission was so fucking clear, it was coming right out of my phone as I was going through the memes my friends had sent me throughout the day.
Regardless, they say you don’t want to be in America/Boston because you’d be “turned all the way up.”
In all these situations the only weapon, the only option I seem to have is these words.
Writing writing and more writing.
To clear my head.
Because this barely inspires any art I would like to make.
edit:
There’s a voice outside my window trying to convince me that it’s you… why would you be so close and so far away?
You have every avenue to reach me and you choose to be in this city and ignore me or run away from me at every turn?
If that is you, which I doubt, then you don’t want to be with me.
Be with whomever your heart desires.
Do what your heart desires.
I just want what’s best for you.
And a dialogue, obviously.
Australia, Again
Voices are going back to that girl on the train, saying it was your maiden name.
Saying anyone wearing that pink jacket you had would be you.
Anyone small enough to fit in that jacket is bulimic.
Saying they were the one putting bugs on kids arseholes.
Saying that you wouldn’t written them a cheque to keep quiet about that form of molestation.
Saying that Asian guy that said “nice hat” before I walked by that girl is your Australian ex.
Saying he expected or wanted me to come out of the closet…
Slap
Voices say you want to smack someone, I know I deserve it, this is what I’m imagining:
Competition
Why is there a competition in my head between “people that want me to get over you” VS “someone who never wants me to get over you”
What the fuck.
Voices say you had to give some (wow I can’t believe I just realized this…) “Radiohead” to get your masters degree…
Really… like the band?
Are you serious…
OKay...
Now the voices are “telling” or rather, COMMANDING me to write things out when I hear them, regardless of how I feel about the information.
Fuck this.
Edit: It’s literally a fucking song… “Don’t Save her, She don’t wanna be saved” etc etc
Edit: Voices say you didn’t want me to smoke weed because I’d see you laughing your ass off.
I remember seeing that. I’m still alive.
I also saw someone giving you a “peal necklace” as opposed to just ejaculating on your collar bone.
And I saw you getting fucked doggy.
And at some point some skinny version of you implied to be fucking Steinar.
I hate this so much.
And of course the voices will say “That was someone else” and of course I know Nordic people are the Chinese People of Europe (AKA You all Look the Same) but can I just be fucking done with this?
Desire
Voices are saying you are “one-upping” me by having sex with other people. That your body count is at least 22.
You have white privilege.
No matter where you go in the world you will always be desired.
I unfortunately can’t compete with that, being a large black male.
That’s just how racism works.
And sure, maybe you’d say “Oh if you were in my country you'd be a big fish blah blah blah”
WELL THE LAST TIME I WENT TO YOUR COUNTRY YOU CALLED THE FUCKING COPS ON ME, AND NOW THEY’RE LOOKING TO SEE IF I EVER RETURN AND WILL KEEP ME IN JAIL FOR UP TO 6 MONTHS, SO YOU FUCKED THAT UP FOR ME TOO!
Oh but I know you, you’re the type of person that only has arguments/battles that you can win.
Well tou-fucking-ché, bitch.
Vacuum Cleaner/Wave Fist
Voices are talking about you again.
They make it sound like in every scenario you exist in, in the end you always commit suicide.
Like we have to travel the multiverse to see if there’s a life where you live into old age or some shit.
They were talking about when you (if you) gave birth to your daughter when the cleaning lady at work turned on the vacuum cleaner and I couldn’t hear anything after that, just the vacuum…
I wish the vacuum was on all day.
Edit: To borrow from Marvels “What if” series on Disney+ (the streaming service) episode 4 season 1, voices make it sound like your suicide is an “Absolute Point” in time.
The catalyst to what however, I do not know.
I know I for one am not becoming a “super hero” because of it. Wonder who is…
Edit: Voices keep saying you knew who you wanted to be with in the year 2005. That I can be with “anyone I want” but you cannot.
Comfort Zone
Voices keep saying if I was like your “father” then id be over or under someone else.
What they don’t understand is that, living the life I used to live would just bring more pain into the world, now that you’re a constant thought in my head again.
Pain from my heart.
Physical pain of headaches trying to block you out.
Emotionally distant from my partner and their own distress.
I don’t want to live like that, and it’s far easier for me to just be alone.
I’m used to that.
I understand that.
I’m not bothering anyone with this silly little blog no one reads.
I’m not causing strife or even “reupholstering” someone’s lovers vagina so that they have to instruct them on how to be fucked in the future.
I’m fine on my own.
A familiar, solitary trail.
Plots and Schemes
Voices want me to write out things that will either prevent or cause tragedies in your life.
It’s your life, you live it the way you want to live it, I’m sick of being slave to these thoughts in my head so I’m gonna try something different.
I’m just gonna write about how annoying this shit is, or maybe I’ll write a poem, or some prose, maybe nothing will make sense at all.
Cause as much mayhem as you fucking want, just don’t bring any of it my way.
Peace and Love.
Edit: Voices say I scare you, and my therapist said the same thing. Good. Stay away, take care of yourself, your family, I gave you all the keys to start building a financially stable future for you and yours truly.
I just want to clear my head and you won’t give me that. 🎶 “Okay Fine Whatever” 🎶
You know everything I’ve ever had to fucking say and everything I will ever say again.
I just want the madness to stop. I want to keep living at the end of the day.
My Death
Voices say I will kill myself by getting back into a relationship with (insert your name)
Life was fun. I don’t regret anything.
edit: Voices say you speak English the way you do cause you wanted to live in London.
Voices say you cheated on Howard at a hostel in London.
Voices say I would make you a lesbian.
Voices saying a lot.