Snus, while sad and cold in Boston

I’m sad. I’m not depressed but I am sad. I feel like however I’m turning a corner on my psychosis, and I will tell my doctor about it later today. I’m taking my medication regularly, I just hate that these hallucinations dwell on someone I loved so much, and now wants nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. But I don’t think about how good or bad it could’ve been, I write it out of my mind on social media, sure, but at the end of the day, feeling like I won’t find love again, it just makes me sad. And maybe that’s not true. For whatever reason falling in love with people feels easier to do, almost like I appreciate the ephemeral nature of these emotions, but I’m not interested in settling down. Or at least I tell myself that. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Fuck

Voices in my head say my ex would’ve just wanted to be with someone else. Which is how relationships work when you’re a teenager right? Nothing about that is too sad, or abnormal, especially now that I’m literally in my mid thirties. Given everything I’ve done and said in madness, YEAH, I WOULDVE BEEN FUCKING UPSET, NO SHIT.

But also, I would’ve moved on, like I’m trying to do now.

Failed to send


Voices in my head keep saying I was just to butt of a joke to my ex. I sent a message on @facebook to @Ylvis a LLOOONNGGGGG time ago asking for my madness and at the time, unrequited love of this woman to be a joke when they were the host of the late night Norwegian show “I kveld med” (I kveld med YLVIS https://g.co/kgs/yPDcqJe)

I don’t know what else I can do, voices.

At this point, everything I can say has already been said, voices.

It sounds like we’re better off apart, voices.

What the fuck do you want from me?

Stupid.

Voices in my head imply that if I were in Norway, I could simply walk outside and have sex with anyone I want. My ex was “turned all the way up” and somehow tapped into the network of all the girls/women that want to be with me, and thought I was gay for not trying to bed them, constantly, even though I am completely unaware to what the voices refer to when they say they’re “turned up.”

Beyond that, I’m a black guy in the United States, and Boston, no less, where a one Michael Che stated was “racist” on one episode of @nbcsnl a few years ago.

So let’s put all of that together, without even considering the history of black skin in the United States.

As much as the mainstream media portrays the black man, having black features, black skin? As “cool” and “in-style” a piece of culture to appropriate or aspire to, we African Americans still have the boot of the system stomping down on our collective necks, and that fractured relationships we have as a community don’t help, either.

It’s not that easy.

And while I’m fucking ranting: Viking culture talks a lot about revenge.

Let’s say I do go sucking and fucking across Scandinavia, you think there ain’t one person that might get attached? One person that might not want me to sow my seed with anyone else? One person who’s cheating on their partner and they find out so they’re out for blood?

So many things could just fucking happen man.

So fucking stupid.

Been Tweeting A Lot

Haven’t uploaded it here, haven’t felt the need to, but I am uploading this one.

This episode I’m in now is wild, and maybe it’s dawned on me because I’ve stayed up late, working overnights and general fuckery but goddamn I want this to be over.

I’m okay with you moving on

What I wish is that I didn’t have to hear about it, or see New York Times videoed about Albatrosses (wild birds) that find new mates and have babies even though they apparently mate for life and ultimately I’m reminded of you.

What the fuck.

Passing thoughts

Been thinking about you a lot again. Not really psychosis, a little bit of that, but mostly just passing thoughts. Thinking I miss you, thinking I want you to see me, I want you looking at me, eyes on me.

I don’t know why.

And there’s nothing I can do.

I still have dreams as well.

About two days ago I had this, “vision” of you, on a bed, with a short haircut, brining a black girl gleefully into your arms as you sat on a bed.

I imagined that you were in a lesbian relationship in this vision, but I didn’t see more than 3 seconds. It was there and gone.

I still haven’t tried very hard to get into a relationship. Marriage isn’t on the table for me at this stage in my life, but I do want to be more social. So that’s my New Year’s resolution: get out more.

You don’t need to know that.

You probably don’t want to know that either.

Ah well, this is all I’ve got of you now.

And it’s not you, it’s my thoughts of you, me thinking of you, so really, all I’ve got of you is myself, I’ve only got me…

But isn’t that like saying you’re a part of me? That you were/are so important to me that there’s a bit of you still floating around, consuming me, in your absence?

Sad that it seems only I thought what we had was special.

Time to shut up.