"Don't wait up"

Voices keep saying you have Chlamydia.

A quick google search shows that Chlamydia is curable.

They say your campaign of revenge is the reason why you or someone told me “don’t wait up” or not to wait for you but honestly had they or you or whomever these voices are been paying attention to my anguished writing they’d know or at least glimpse the struggle I’ve had trying to center someone else at the attention of my affection.

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Gonorrhea is curable too

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I just took a poop and I think someone, something, my brain was trying to make me hallucinate that your face was in my stool. A voice chimed in and said “that you never be [your name]” but also they keep repeating that “you’re a turd” and that’s what you tried to show me when you passed out in Cambridge and I had to hold you/shake you until you awoke. I still don’t know if that was you actually fainting or playing a game with me but here we are, the year 2026, and I’m still writing to what I assume is no one but for all the world to see.

Give me a fucking break.

Do you want to know why I’m so goddamn angry?

During that first e-mail, New Years 2013 or something. That email where I said I was so goddamn angry if I hit you I could kill you.

That anger wasn’t directed at you per say, but I wan angry because after the many trial and error efforts I had made to find love again, with someone else, someone new, I somehow found my way back to a person that didn’t feel the same way about me.

even now as I struggle through a new episode of psychosis, trying to make things work with my current partner who is, far more understanding about my condition I won’t open up about, I still hear your name on the wind, the voices tell me you wanted to be in London, and have already decided to die.

Ok fine whatever, what does any of this have to do with me?

You and I have said plenty already.

I have written enough to fill a library.

You don’t want me.

I accept that.

Why can’t I seem to move on?

That’s what makes me so fucking beyond angry.

That’s the driving force behind my murderous thoughts.

I’ve been trying to do everything the right way.

Give you space. Get therapy, find someone else, use drugs, workout.

Nothing works.

And when the voices try to tell me “oh she’ll get back together with you, you’ll see”

Really likes to write a different tale.

Even now as the conspiracy all unfolds in my mind the voices tell me every actor in my industry was actually someone else trying to agitate a reaction out of me by using your name instead of their own.

So I’m suffering because I loved someone and decided to cut the world off after that, where they “love” me to some idiotic point of no return, a place that says “if I can’t love him than no one can” and try to force me to commit suicide instead of just leaving me alone.

For WEEKS this conundrum has been bouncing around in my skull and while it apparently has little to do with you, you’re the center of it.

I’m not angry at you, I’m angry at the circumstances.

I would have never bothered you if this hadn’t happened but it did, and I’ve spent the better part of 15 years proving at least to myself, if no one else is reading/watching, that there was someone I loved.

And I wish it were just that.

Constant Yapping

The voices don’t have to keep talking about you.

Going on about how you’d rather do this or that with other people, that you’re “so numb” and “only feel things when you’re turned up”

Whatever.

All they’re saying is you don’t want me, and I feel like you’ve made that clear.

"We just want you to go psycho or kill yourself"

I can’t keep up with the who’s who in my head.

I can’t compartmentalize when you are actually “ somebody else”

And on top of that, this, radio frequency psychic body possession can happen at anytime

with people that are or could be leagues stronger than we are, and puppeteer our movements?

So is anything really our own fault?

Fuck Understanding

Is the only way for this/these person(s) to make art is to stew in these adolescent emotions?!

Take stock, take notes and go about life like a grown up omfg.

I promise it’s not that deep, definitely not for you to be producing literal EVIL in the world. What the fuck.

Hit the nail on the head?

Some dude got his cock sucked and snowballed , some dude in on this black metal music plot and they “turned him all the way up” to see if they could make any music out of the way that he felt and they wanted it to happen to me to get the same kind of inspiration?

Does that ring any bells?

More Horrors

Voices say you wanted to be sexually assaulted and I assume killed after and that was the objective of that police officer.

Am I supposed to apologize or something for not being able to do that?

Cannibal Corpse Album Cover

Is that what this is leading up to?

Voices tell me you don’t have an eye, that you’re missing an arm, and one time scrolling Twitter I saw the grotesque collection of album covers for the band “Cannibal Corpse”

Is that what this is all leading up to?

I mean I’m sitting here trying to fucking connect the dots from nothing at this point.

“Impossible to think about”

Voices in my head are going back over the atrocities, the horrors as I called them, that happened to you in your life.

The keep talking about this “Black Metal” album I assume that still hasn’t been made, because the inspiration has to be “unthinkable” but to even be inspired enough to create, you have to think, or at the very minimum, feel something, and later when people ask, if people ask, what inspired you, thinking begins again.

I keep hearing these, “tall tales” that I may never know are true or not but as they bombard me and my person I wonder if any of this is really necessary.

It seems as if, and I’m saying this with my new knowledge of Viking culture, it seems as if one party, the person trying to make the album is really using this as an excuse to get revenge on you, or whomever, for what- I cannot fathom, at least I can’t fathom anything I haven’t already considered in the depths of my madness.

Still, if the party is just seeking eternal vengeance they should let that urge die. It’s not healthy.

Gambling and Norwegian Culture

Because I stayed in your prisons and watched your TV commercials , I know that “bets” and “gambling” in general is kind of a big deal.

I mean I don’t get it, we have the power all here and commercials for casino’s but we don’t have a bingo app where we can just gamble regularly on our phones.

Lotto ticket apps are honestly fairly new.

All this to say, voices in my head are saying I’d hate you because you made a bet.

Hate is a strong word, I don’t think whatever disappointment I feel would equate to hatred.

Frankly I don’t know what I’d feel.

When the voices come on I run through a gamut of emotions sometimes.

I wish I had some clue as to what was really going on.