Stuck :: Exhausted

I haven’t written a poem for maybe a week or two now, and I haven’t drawn a picture in even longer.

Keeping up with the world, I think I mentioned in my last blog post that I was trying to make NFT’s? That’s gone no where from initial idea to not even a sketch. One thing about having a laptop and an iPad is that one of the two always feels unnecessary, but you need one or the other for niche things, infuriating.

I haven’t organized my photos into folders, my buddy and I are making a zine, I’m probably going to spend hours at home scanning things into my computer this weekend.

Artistically, I’m kind of a mess.

Every other aspect of my life? Not bad.

Still single and ready to mingle, the next Disco Night is at a new venue and on a Friday and I’m not sure I want to show up in my work suit but I can’t change into costume really or I feel that the costume needs at good wash and I almost want to go in my work clothes but getting the sweat out? I’m not sure. I just haven’t decided yet but I know it’s in October so maybe by the time the date comes up I’ll have made a decision. Hopefully.

I wish it were on a Saturday, so much easier to manage.

Anyway I’ve been kind of rambling here but yeah I’m artistically burnt out. I know this feeling, and generally I beat myself up for it but this time I’m going to ride it out. Just the things that I used to do and enjoy I’m doing less and less frequently as it gets easier to sit in bed and watch YouTube until I fall asleep, wake up, and do it again. Like there are videos about 18th century cooking that I’ve found myself watching and while FASCINATING I FEEL like I could be doing something better with my time, but this might be me beating myself up again.

Anyway that’s where I’m at, yo.

I should also print business cards.

Later!

Happy Birthday Obama!

My ex, the one that I can’t seem to get over and former President Barack Obama have the same birthday, so going forward I’m going to try and celebrate Obama’s birthday instead of remember my ex.

But while we’re on the topic, hello.

I can’t stop thinking about you, or maybe I’m just remembering you.

I think about those last words you said to me on xanga, how I’m just thinking about a product of my biased memory but I wonder why this is only affecting me.

I swear there was magic when we met, when we kissed, and I’ve tried and come close to finding someone else but I’m always right back to being single, ready to mingle, alone and unknown.

I don’t wallow in this emotion, I recognize the love I had for you, I want to meet someone else but it feels like I just can’t. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough? I’m really not trying at all, but I also don’t want to feel this way, again.

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ASIDE FROM ALL OF THAT YUCKY SENTIMENTAL CRAP, I’m planning for the Boston Art Book Fair again, hopefully, it will be held this year. 2019 it was held in November but I’m just trying to make sure I order books on time so that I’ll have something on hand to sell. Don’t know how many books but hopefully I’ll have the money to get at least “enough.”

Work is great, life is good, I haven’t managed to lose any weight but I’m taking this “Fat Boy Phase” in stride. It’s not the biggest concern on my mind and I think I’ll lose the weight eventually I just gotta find my routine first.

That being said, I’m hungry as I type this out and I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to eat for dinner today. I’ve been big on chicken wings recently, trying them from all sorts of different places. Some are better than others but that’s what you should expect when you have other people cooking your food right?

I’m living the dream man, and I hope you are too.

If I think of anything else to blog I’ll do it later in the month!

Another Day, Another Dollar

The title, that's what I’ve been telling myself recently, “Another Day Another Dollar.”

I’m trying to lose weight but the methods I’ve been using to go about and do that are failing me.

Honestly I think I just need to workout more, be more active and I’ve started, working out at least once a week but it’s not enough, I know it’s not enough and I need a change. I’ll get there, “Where there’s a will there’s a way” my mom used to say I just wish it was something that could happen, overnight. And if it could happen overnight America wouldn’t have to worry about being obese.

Not much else has changed. I’m still trying to write and draw at least once a day but some days are better than others, and as I explore the digital space and what that means for my art I just feel as if I’m starting over from square one, like I’m learning to draw again and it’s entirely frustrating. That, or it means I was never as good at drawing as I thought I was, which is even more frustrating, but I’m working at it.

My job is good, my finances are okay, I think I’m going back to school in September, I have no real complaints or qualms. I’m oddly at peace with things? If that makes sense, but what bothers me is that I feel as if I don’t have passion, at least not the way people describe it. Like I don’t have this deep yearning to do or be something I’m not already. Except maybe be rich/wealthy, but I wouldn’t say I’m “passionate” about that either it’s just another desire to manifest on my 8 fold path.

I was going to write a poem about being passionless but I feel like I don’t have all the words for it yet. I have to find time for my creativity that doesn’t cut into my days of rest. Figuring that out is probably my biggest problem.

Well, that just means I can say life is actually pretty good.

Nothing wrong with that.

Where did the time go..?

No seriously it’s already half of half the year!

I don’t have much to say as far as updates go, nothing particularly interesting is happening in my life.

I should be working on more books but I think the pressure to like, put out a book a year is getting to me, and I don’t have that kind of schedule or material rather to actually accomplish something like that.

in terms of having material I’m still fairly consistent when it comes to writing a poem a day and doing a drawing a day, so long as I have my devices with me, but it leaves less time for like, reading. I haven’t finished a book of poetry recently because I’ve been using my time to write poetry, so that project falls to the wayside as I try to develop into a better artist.

I’m still processing feelings for my ex, that’s what my poetry has shown me recently. I have a few poems written about her, a person that’s determined they’re done with me so I, in turn, should be done with them but with each “revealing” poem I untangle more and more emotions, often negative, that I have for this person.

I needed to fall in love with someone else a long time ago but I honestly don’t want to put up with someone else’s shit!

My brother and I went half on a squat rack we recently setup in the basement, along with 500lbs of weights. I plan to use it on the weekends mostly, trying to workout at least once a week until I get more into it, again, for the second time, and hopefully this time I’ll stick with it. I’m almost 300lbs, 292 to be exact so, I need a change.

I’m listening to a podcast and trying to watch a Twitch Stream while I write this, and writing this sentence tripped me up the most, but that’s all I have for today.

”Make moves in silence” as they say, pretty much all I got going for me, heh.

Get one in before my subscription runs out

Don’t worry, I won’t lose this website (I don’t think. ;) )

My moms birthday was two days ago, May the 4th be with you was one day ago, I keep missing all the good shit, but I wasn’t really in the mood to write!

I won’t speak much on either of these celebrations, the least I can do is get my mom a card. My brother secured an edible arrangement and we split the money for it so there’s also that, BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW!?

The days keep getting longer between when I write poems, and since I bought this laptop I haven’t drawn anything in even longer, not to mention this laptop was purchased for the intent of organizing a new book but I haven’t come close to that goal either.

I think it’s because I’m stressed out. I withdrew from my classes and that leaves me with much more time to stay in bed before work but eventually I’m going to go back to school. I changed my major from Computer Science to Liberal Arts because it’s the fastest route to get my degree an be done with it. EVENTUALLY, I’ll pursue my bachelors, I think, I’m fairly certain I will but for right now I just want to be out of Bunker Hill. Don’t want to look back, just want to move forward.

As far as art and books, my 3rd book, “Lovers” is in the final stages of being edited and republished. I don’t know how so many spelling errors got past before but now, after extensive viewing, it should be good to go, and this new, revised version is the one I plan to sell at the Boston Art Book Fair, IF, it’s being held this year. So I’ll have 3 things I’m selling. Two books of Poetry with illustrations or photography and a comic book. Maybe some stickers too.

I’ve also started playing video games again, currently I’m playing Monster Hunter Rise but I have a pretty substantial backlog of games I have to finish as well, hopefully I’ll get around to playing them.

There’s stuff in the back of my mind about starting a YouTube or streaming on Twitch but I don’t really have complete thoughts formulated about it so I’ll end this transmission here.

Later Gators!

I think I'm a wee bit depressed

WHATS UP PARTY PEOPLE IN THE PLACE TO BE!? YOU READ T HAT TITLE RIGHT, I THINK I HAVE MAYBE JUST A SMALL CASE OF DEPRESSION.

A few months back I asked to be recommended a therapist but now I’m not even sure if I have time for therapy, maybe on the weekends of the offices are open.

It’s just the usual stuff, everyones having babies and I’m stuck being a struggling artist, like the world moving on without you. Of course, this is just the present and we do not yet know what disasters the future could bring for these budding families, not that I wish any disaster upon them it’s just hard to not compare.

I thought I was with my forever girl once and now I’m a fat slob wanting to get in shape but not putting in the leg work to get there. My body doesn’t really bring me down as much as you might think, but it would be nice if all of my cool shirts fit me again. That’s something I’m looking forward too.

I’m not slacking however, I’ve been trying to keep consistent with writing poetry at least, but it’s in a private document on my computer. I’ve been writing since February 4th of this year and the goal was to write a poem every day but sometimes you get distracted or you really don’t feel like writing so it’s been hit or miss but I think the longest time I’ve gone without writing was maybe 10 days then I got back on the horse. Keeping yourself accountable is hard and app notifications don’t exactly crack the whip like a person would, but hey I’m keeping the juices flowing regardless.

I think the first thing to do to get me out of my depressive state is to clean the house, if not the whole house maybe just a small portion and see where it goes from there.

Later!

Beware the Ides of March...

What’s up party people in the place to be? Hows it hanging with you because for me life is REASONABLE.

The run down is school sucks, my art (I feel) sucks and work is great, I’m at work right now as I blog this.

sigh so where do I begin?

Let’s start with art: I’m comparing myself to all the great instagram artists out there making killer pieces, putting in upwards fo 17+ hours into an illustration and getting jobs doing art. Jobs that I’d like to consider dream opportunities while I sit around and mull about a few projects I need to complete before I die.

With that being said I’m not completely down and out, I went ahead and submitted my book “Lovers” to be republished and this time copy edited to check for spelling and grammatical errors after a woman bought my book and told me it had a bunch of errors in it. My theory is that either I submitted the wrong poems or the proofreading I did wasn’t enough and so, the copy editing begins! Hoping and praying that I get the opportunity to present the book at the Boston Art Book Fair this year so long as COVID vaccines do their job and I might even table with a longtime best buddy Rene Dongo. Fingers crossed!

I remember the “successful” tables at the fair where tables that people already knew about, they had already established a following where as I’m just starting to build a following, that being said I’m not really disheartened by that, I just hope I can keep churning out work and eventually get to a place financially where all I do is focus on my art. That place seems to get further and further away some days.

School: I got a late start because they cancelled the order on my textbook and I haven’t caught up the the class yet, I haven’t submitted any work and I’m CONFIDENT I’m going to fail, again. At least this time I’m paying for my education out of my own pocket instead of relying on financial aid, which would make me jump through hoops to get considered again for a pell grant and I don’t know how many times I can rewrite the same letter and tell them “This semester will be different!” Like fuck it I’m just gonna do it myself, FUCK AID.

But honestly it still doesn’t feel right, failing over and over and spending nearly $900 to do it, somethings gotta give. I told my teacher I usually get the idea the second time around but she said she didn’t want me to repeat classes but if I plan to get my bachelors I’m probably gonna repeat a few classes to increase my GPA. I can clearly see the path that I’m on, I just hate the ride/journey.

Work: Work is awesome, keep being awesome work. This is probably one of the best jobs I’ve ever had and I don’t feel like letting it go or moving on, at least not until something comes along with higher pay. I can keep doing this for a while and I’m glad my occupation is so relaxing/rewarding. I’m probably going to sing these praises of my job until something DRASTIC happens, but fingers crossed that nothing that DRASTIC does happen ya’know?

AAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDD that’s it for the update, it’s like 2/3 things are bad but I don’t have anything else because of COVID. Like if I could go clubbing on the weekends (translation: Disco Dancing) I’d have a nightlife distraction, but COVID just makes it easier and easier to sleep all day and wait for the work week to start.

I might go to the movies,

we’ll see.

We’re only just getting started…

HOO-BOY, WHATS UP PARTY PEOPLE IN THE PLACE TO BE!?

Not gonna lie to you I’ve been self-deprecating recently. Just kicking myself and getting down on myself but I think that’s a sign of COVID as well, and by that I mean, it’s easy to be a bit more depressed in a pandemic when there’s nothing to really go out and do.

Haven’t been playing much video games unless you count mobile games and schools back in session, already two weeks in and I’m already behind because they cancelled the order I placed for my book so I had to order another and blah blah bladdidy blah. I know I’m making excuses but my education is coming out of my own pocket now so I can say or do whatever the fuck I want about it and you can’t tell me squat.

Ahem.

I frequently compare myself to others and I’ve compared myself to myself. I think I touched on this a bit on instagram but I remember the time I was growing the most and the fastest with my art. I was still living with my mother, not paying bills yet and borderline an alcoholic, or at least I binged quite a bit and experimented with drugs more often then not. Long story short, physically and mentally I wasn’t in a good place, and although I’m heavier now, I have clarity, a better job so financially I’m stable and I’m no longer in and out of hospitals, but I crave that artistic nourishment. It’s like I don’t have time for my passions anymore.

Priorities, priorities. I want to create a financially stable environment where I don’t have to work to live comfortably and give myself the time of day to feverishly pursue my art. My goals, as I struggle through life, have become/are becoming much much clearer, like a polished gem, a newly washed window.

The end is in sight but getting there is the task at hand.

Either way I think my next published work is around the corner, and I’ll go back to reviewing poetry soon in an attempt to inspire myself to write.

The bug bit me one night while I was on Reddit watching a DJ session. I don’t quite remembered the exact words that grazed my conscious but I remember feeling connected to the lonely DJ spinning love songs, physically alone but digitally to a crowd of hundreds.

It would suck if that was the future after all the vaccines are given, I’m really looking forward to the clubs opening back up to full capacity and attending Disco Night. I’m hoping all the scheduled events for 2020 just pick back up whenever socializing does.

Anyway, that’s my update for February, I’m sad and longing for change but to what end and at what cost? I’m not completely miserable just enough to question if anything I’m doing is the right decision.

I also signed up for therapy, not that I think I need it but to see whether or not it would curve my attempts at writing poetry but first talking about my emotions instead of just putting them in a book, but I’m hardly doing that as well.

This is going on for to long, see you in the next one!

Happy New Year 2021

What’s up party people on the place to be! Happy New Year!!! As Happy as it can be anyway what with COVID and all.

I don’t have much to say this time around, the year’s just started and I’m of few words.

I saw a tweet on Twitter say something along the lines of “Men will do xyz instead of going to therapy” and it rag true for me.

I was thinking about writing a book about the negative thoughts and insecurities but after a brief exchange with a friend I decided instead to try and find a therapist, so I just sent my primary care doctor a quick message asking for recommendations.

With that said I guess I’m starting off the New Year pretty strong, I put some money away for savings, asked to find a decent shrink, not bad for 5 days.

My next big thing is to get a new MacBook so I can start working on another book I have waiting in the wings and maybe finish up a lot of other projects I’ve started and since forgotten about because of these thoughts that I’ve wanted to do something about. I have maybe, 4-6 older projects that haven’t seen the light of day yet because I’ve been I suppose on a “book high.” Kind of like producing the worst content I can make and watch it go nowhere fast instead of something. I can be proud of.

I’m also applying to writing grants and school starts back up on the 25th of this month so I still have a lot going on.

I thought I had a few words but look at me writing a whole ass novel, jeez.

If school doesn’t work out for me my next option is going to this online learning tool “Coursera.” Google, the company offers certificates through that website for around $300 and I think that’s my in to the “tech job of my dreams” if I continue to sail this course that I’ve chosen for myself. I like the job I have now but I’m always chasing a bigger paycheck.

Welp, this seems to be the end of my wordplay.

I hope you have a fantastic 2021 and I’ll be here, same place if not the same time to give you another update, next month!

Peace, Love and Coffee Mugs!

Failure

SIGH… What is up party people in the place to be? I’m pretty sure I’m failing my class.

This has happened before and usually I just reapply to the class until I pass it but this time around the money to pay for the class is coming out of my own pocket and MAN OH MAN, is college expensive.

I’ve found some routes I might take that makes paying for school a bit easier, not so sure when I’m going to jump into gear and take the plunge but this is my life right now. And I want to talk about this current failure.

AHEM: Yeah so what the fuck. I studied all summer, picked the teacher who’s class I had passed before only to come to the conclusion that I’m not doing or understanding the work the way I should be! I’m mad and sad at the same time, PEAK frustration. I had all the intention to do well and I wound up at the bottom of a well.

WELL FUCK THIS AND THAT. There are some alternative things I could try that cost much less money but I don’t know if I want to venture out into that area just yet. I’m dragging my feet and I know it, but I can’t explain why either. I was a good student until high school, I got kept back twice and while I heard someone in my adolescence claim that would be enough for them to kill themselves, I still graduated. My school career peaked in elementary school, I feel and I’ve gravitated towards the arts for as long as I can remember but I also feel I’m not pursuing an art degree because I would probably wind up with the same job I currently have, not that that’s a bad thing but I feel like if I have a degree I want to use my degree, right?

So I can go about collecting certifications and circumvent higher education (and college debt) but I guess I’m scared I’ll fail at that too. THERE’S REALLY ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT but I don’t want to dump money into these programs only to wind up as broke as I would be had I just paid to repeat classes.

END RANT.

Other than that it’s the freaking holidays, I ordered a present from overseas for my brother in October and it still hasn’t shown up yet, I have no idea what to get my mom, or her husband, I still think I should buy my grandmother a present and I have credit card debt I want to pay off by the end of the year but it’s looking mighty unlikely. Unlikely, but not Impossible, which is key to note. Mostly because I bit the bullet and signed up for another class but if I fail in the Spring Semester I might finally SERIOUSLY reconsider college, only because again, this is my money and I don’t want to fuck around and waste it. I have the drive maybe just not the discipline? Maybe.

Anyway Happy Holidays to you and yours and we’ll see you next year! 2021 BABY! WHOO!!!