Hello.
For the last few weeks I’ve been having a fairly serious yet, also fairly mild psychotic episode, where I hear voices talk about my erstwhile lovers among other things in regards to my person or others.
One thing they seem to mention a lot is that my ex, Ina, cheated on my at every occasion she had while and when I was able to briefly meet her when she came to visit me in America.
To my knowledge, on every occasion we were not an “official” couple. There were no titles, and I know when she came to visit me in Boston she had broken up with me because she went to New York first, with a friend of hers, trying to meet some guy from India that, again, I recall, didn’t take the hint.
Over and over again they talk about her sexual exploits, as if I’m supposed to be offended, knowing damn well when I was young dumb and full of cum I would have loved to talk nasty with her over MSN messenger with my dick in my hand stroking my shit until kingdom come.
Although I grew up conservative christian, deep down I’ve always been highly sexual. What I’ve learned about my weight gain is that I don’t perform coitus at the level I’d like to because having so much more weight on my body bring quicker exhaustion.
All this to say the voices in my head keep talking about homosexuality, or urging me to be homosexual or come out of the closet.
Allow me to set the scene.
When my psychosis first started I met a man that went by the name of “The White Rhino” also known as Al Chase. Back then I was on 4 different medication: Prolixin, Geodon, Ativan, and Cogentin. For the most part it all would just knock me out, or at least leave me a bit slower than I am today.
Al wasn’t necessarily a bad guy, but he did take advantage of me. Now I say that loosely, because I was still in my 20’s and just maybe too trusting or over medicated.
Fast forward to a baseball game and I told Al “oh I get horny when people touch my lap” and he touched my lap. That didn’t clock to me at the time because I wasn’t attracted to him, why would I be? He was an obese old white guy and I identified as a heterosexual male, and I still do, but I look back at that now and go “oh, he was trying to turn me on.”
We find our way back to a back alley in his car in Savin Hill and this dude leans in to kiss me and honestly I have no idea what was going on in my head but I started kissing him back, my pants come off and he starts sucking my dick. I don’t ejaculate. I remember feeling like there was a wall in the left side of my skull and if I ejaculated I would break through it to some other plane of existence. I never broke through that wall. I’m not even curious about what could be on the other side.
Dropping me off at the bottom of my street Al hollered “be gay! you’ll thank me later!” and as the voices go on and on about coming out I seriously sit here and think about it, what the fuck would be there to be thankful for? I’m not in the business of tricking people to get in bed with me, I’m also not in the business of paying for things of being punished fro things via my asshole.
I always come back to this point of homosexuality. I think I have so much trouble with it because I don’t want to be a homosexual man, I don’t pursuer romantic relationships with men, I’m being driven mad about thoughts of a woman and as far as me “knowing myself” is concerned, I only like women. Yeah I can admit if a man is attractive, yes, having my dick sucked by a dude is a bad hit, but if I could be given grace for that, I just want to make it clear that I choose not to pursue a homosexual lifestyle.
You don’t have to let me live it down but now that I’m years away from that moment in time I wonder if I even had the option to do things differently. Or if I resounded with anger if I’d have an even bigger complex about this thing.
I like to talk about and explore ideas around sex and sexuality freely, but I think a take away from that is that other people exploring the same ideas would be or could be turned on, hot and heavy, and mistake me freely expressing my mind and interests as an invitation to get hot and heavy.
The past is the past and that won’t change but I had to write something because everyday there’s some new story or repetitive message in my brain about man on man intimate relations and I don’t know how to turn that shit off lmao