18 days since my last post.
Behind closed eyelids I see you kissing or doing something sexual with every male person of color that you come across, or at least I think it’s you.
Could be anyone, you always happen to be a bit blurry, this time you were a bit heavier, and there’s always the idea that your people are like the stereotype of the Chinese: you all look alike. I could be seeing people that look similar to you and aren’t you at all.
Then I think about how in that e-mail, before I went and bought a plane ticket, that you said you didn’t want to “spread racism.”
In these hallucinations you or these women seem like a very forward and eager to be with these extramarital partners, but also like these acts of infidelity are in some secret pocket of space that has a direct link, telepathically to my mind/imagination.
It’s just as tiring to understand as it is to explain.
But it keeps happening, so I suppose instead of ignoring it, I might as well write it down.
Can’t say I feel much of anything.
Can’t say I want those men to be me.
What I want right now is for it all to stop.
And while this ailment might be permanent, then I suppose that ain’t likely either.