I follow porn on Twitter. I’m single, it’s allowed, but I was scrolling and one of the account posted a disturbing video.
It was so much porn as it was a woman being raped, and the comments under the video suggested the same thing.
It was vile, and before I knew it, I blocked the account and tried to forget about it. Curiosity got the best of me so I tried to find it again and watch it, only to realize I was not going to sift through the other 259 accounts to disturb my psyche.
What I saw wasn’t erotic. It didn’t even seem like “consensual non-consent.” It was a woman, performing a blowjob on multiple men before she started attacking one of them. He overpowered her and the rape began.
The voices, chimed in as usual and made… “comparisons” and I thought back to my past and how I harassed you with porn. I thought back to that person and I put my hands in the air and said “you need to stop, you’ve done enough.”
I want to move on, I want to move forward, I know that in my head and in my heart, even though I’m back here writing this.
I don’t understand how anyone could rape someone. I mean, I’ve had situations where I was aroused and alone with a woman that wanted nothing to do with me and I always found a way to avoid pressuring her or forcing myself upon her. I’d say “it made me sick to my stomach” but I’m from the fringe group of terminally online people that watched the entire “2 girls 1 cup” video, but still, this new video did its damage.
I’m not here to say anything I haven’t said before. Love, apologies, the moon and the stars in the sky, everything for you and your peace, even if it is without me, but also, I have to take stock in my own life.
My life is good if not getting better.
I’ve weathered the storm of mental illness and I feel like going forward I’ll do more work to right my wrongs, and do justice.
I do wish you were my companion in any respect, even a long distance pen pal, but I can’t make you see what you turn away from, and I don’t intend to try and force you, either.