Haven’t blogged in a while, and not because I haven’t been thinking of it, more because I haven’t been hearing voices as often as when I was dropping these posts.
It’s nice, the window of clarity.
But I’ve been confronting this thought, this thought that says maybe I don’t love you.
And that’s an easy thing to answer, I get wrapped up in all this emotion because of my affliction and those emotions may not be just raw sadness or anger but they could be the lovey-dovey feelings too.
Maybe.
Maybe that’s how it all works, but I just got a pit in my stomach writing that, trying to rationalize it all away.
For a while I thought “well the honeymoon feelings are over” and now it’s the hard part and grit of sticking to someone you made a vow you’d never let go of, if we were married of course, we aren’t, never have been, but I put you in that context. I put you in this box and say “yes, I would wade through the murk with you” but is love and marriage all “murk” and “swamp” after the feel good chemicals have run out in our brains?
That’s what it is, the feel good chemicals seem to be running out, and I’m landing face first upon the cold concrete of reality: I’ve been a menace, and I don’t think I deserve to be loved back by you.
I want it, more than anything in the world, which also makes me think I can’t just rationalize this away, but do I deserve it? I don’t know, and I don’t think so.
After everything ive done I still feel so fucking stupid. Typing it out, typing this out has got the feelings rising up again, the hills and valleys, the fire in my belly, the long slow death of logically putting you in your place in the back of my mind, like I’m saving room for someone new to love and care for.
Just know this my future lover: I cannot love you like I love her, it takes too much from me. I think I will be a bit more selfish in my next love affairs maybe, unless I love you more than I love this one.
The love will be different, it has to be, because this love became madness, a madness I do not want again.