Earlier in the day the voices were saying things like:
“ (your name)’s life is in the United States with Daniel Fairclough.”
And I felt my body swell up and in the back of my mind, before I decided to write down what I was feeling, I know I was happy to hear that.
This and all of these other things, if Schizo-Affective Disorder is one part bi-polar and one part schizophrenia I guess that bi-polar part comes from hearing about you. It’s tied together for sure but I get these bubbling waves of happiness that I don’t as effectively kill in my mind like I have with the waves of sadness, when they say you were cheating on me, which I went through and entire episode about with audio messages and everything before I got to the other side of that tunnel.
That was a tunnel of dread, this is a tunnel of love.
And what accompanies it are these thoughts that one day I can tell you in person, to your face that you are my favorite person.
That one day we can lay together in bed.
That one day I can and will embrace you again.
Then I take a deep breath and sigh loudly because that too is a delusion, a hallucination, or not even, just idle thoughts triggered by the hallucinations, more “illusive ranting” to use your words.
It killed me to keep feeling for you when I was with someone else, and while my heart is a little harder now I don’t want this to last forever.