I was thinking about it today, because I had a good day yesterday (minimal to no voices) that I feel as if I’m being trained or conditioned by my delusions/hallucinations, and I must do everything in my power to remind myself of what reality is.
The delusions/hallucinations make this case that like, if certain conditions are met, certain people leave, etc. you will find your way back into my life to live with me in the United States.
That’s not reality, it can’t be reality.
You’ve already told me you have a wonderful husband.
You already told me you have a child.
You already told me you’d spread racism if I followed through with my actions, and I did.
If I were to believe what you’ve told me, there should be no room to give to these hallucinations.
Time and time again I have to remind myself of that, and maybe thats because “loving you” feels comfortable?
Like I don’t or wouldn’t have to try to hard to remind you of who I was and what potential we would have together.
Realistically we’d be starting from scratch, and as I learn more about Norwegian culture I assume now that starting a family was the final nail in the coffin, if there weren’t any nails in there already.
As my emotions/affection/love drive me insane I still wish you the best, and I want the best for you, regardless of my actions. Life is hard for me, especially with this illness, but as much harm as I may have already brought to you, I don’t want to bring anymore.
I hope you understand and I hope you can forgive me.