I had this idea earlier in the night to try and “go deeper” with my thoughts and feelings, really try to get to the root of all this. I found this post:
The problem is when the voices come on to me, and start to chip away at my mind that’s not anything I can control. I can ignore it for a while but like you (maybe not you specifically but someone else reading this, maybe) see now I have to vent, and if I don’t vent I will bottle up these emotions, and we all know bottling up emotions leads to a negative outcome. I don’t want to pursue a new, another relationship with bottled up emotions and be emotionally distant or lashing out at my partner because I’m not receiving love from you. I recently tweeted-
And like literally so fucking what?! Like FUCK I HAVE A PROBLEM, A MENTAL ILLNESS AND A BITCH WITH BIPOLAR CAN STILL HAVE A BABY AND A HUSBAND SO WHY NOT ME?!
It’s dumb to compare myself, for one, they probably made it a goal for them to find love again, right now I’m exploring polyamory just because I feel like I’d feel better if I was just someone on the side.
It’s like a trial to conquer jealousy. It’s an exercise in freedom.
Freedom from what? I don’t know, “traditionalism” I would call it, because I feel like I just don’t belong here.
But that’s a number of different factors that separate me from the “haves” and “have nots” I’m like, somewhere in the middle of it all, because I’m counting my skin color, now that I recognize racism that isn’t necessarily enacted against me, but was formed around me, from prior systems, before I was even conceived.
But we’re getting off topic, I just watched a video that threw me off of what I was writing earlier.
Like I said, I don’t control all the thoughts in my head, which is what prevents me from following conventional advice.
I don’t want a relationship, because those thoughts I can’t control will bring up feelings I have to reconcile with. A girl would be in a relationship with me, and I’d be in a relationship with her, and you, even if it’s just the you that lives in my head.
No bueno.
So what do I do?
Right now I’m focusing on getting back in shape. I downloaded some dating apps but my sneaking suspicion is that honestly no one will look at me as “fuckable” until I’m under 200lbs, so I’m 100lbs away from that.
Ok fine whatever.
Then, just getting out more.
The pandemic really fucked everything up but I got a raise at work, I have a bit more income that I can use to be social, go to parties, the bar, really try to forget my troubles for as long as the night goes on.
Been playing with the idea of partying in New York on the weekends for a few years now. It’s a bit more expensive, but currently I’ve been making it work partying in Rhode Island almost once a month, but it’s much cheaper to get down there and cruise around for 2-3 days.
This is the part where I say “I wish I was partying with you.” But honestly I wish I was sharing the experience with anyone that would want the experience.
I don’t know a goddamn thing about who you are right now.
I know one thing, I know where you work, and that’s really it.
It’s odd to me that as much as I’ve grown and changed I still find myself going mad at the fact that I’m still “wIlLiNg To GiVe YoU a ChAnCe” like it’s fucking Destiny, like its BOUND TO HAPPEN, ANYDAY NOW, WHEN I HAVE A MULTITUDE OF EVIDENCE THAT PROVES THAT THATS ONLY A FLIGHT OF FANCY. A FANTASY THAT ONLY EXISTS IN MY HEAD!
But why is it there to begin with?! Why does the universe/god/my fucking Brain remind me?! Why did I get fucking cursed to live like this? Why am I stuck at the crossroads of love?
It’s fucking pitiful.
And all the self help I absorb fails to rid me of my burden.
If I could pull my hair out I would have, I’m lucky it’s short and curly, that’s saved me from self inflicted bald spots.
I feel like there’s more I can write. We both probably know there’s more I can write, but I just want to drink and smoke or do some snus and just feel and forget, at least for a little while.
Just a little while…