It’s 2:33AM, I’m working this weekend. As I sit here in bed, thinking “I took my medication, why are the voices here?”
I hate what I am realizing.
The voices say you don’t exist anymore. There is no *insert name here* but you’ll come back into my life with a new alias.
I know I wrote in my last post that I can’t see us being together anymore, but thoughts like these still make me happy, still activate some reward complex in my brain or something.
What the fuck do I do about that? About this? About us?
Even if it were true I wouldn’t know the “you” to look for, I don’t even think I’d know what to say.
I know you have your “wonderful husband” and you have a child, and again I can logic this all away but these unruly, irrational thoughts still puffs up my chest.
It’d be so much easier if we could just be on speaking terms, truly, but you won’t allow that. I still don’t know what I did wrong for you to freeze me out, to ghost me, but I hate how topsy-turvy this all is. How upside down I can be.