I see people acting out online and think “you’d be like that.”
I see things that remind me of you and I store the link in a folder, a file, but the hold of it isn’t as strong as it was in the early days of my madness.
I keep enjoying life without you.
As much as I love you, the idea of you, the idea of me loving you, the idea of me that loves you, I’m fine.
I’m trying dating apps again, and while I think I’m not the “type” women I’m interested in are looking for but I’m playing with the idea of polyamory. Not that I desire multiple partners but maybe I could be someones extra partner on the side…
My therapist said I deserve better but after the pandemic, and after you, I don’t really want to try again.
You know that.
And here I am, trying again.
______
Thoughts of you don’t linger, don’t have the same weight that they did before.
This is a good thing.
This is less painful.
This is less time agonizing over what cannot be.
This is more time thinking about something that actually matters.
Things that have a greater effect on me.
Things I need to get done.
Things I’m responsible for.
Ultimately, this blog on the side of my blog is just grief incarnate.
I found the playlist I made back when I was sharing files with you.
I’m going to recreate it on Spotify, and that will be the end of that.