Someone, you, again.
And I’m making steps in the right direction, but earlier today I said to myself “it’s like no matter how far I get this shit (voices) just keep pulling me back.”
I’m not, “determined,” to “be with you in the end” if that makes sense.
But the voices come on and that part of me that just wants to talk and hug and kiss and fuck makes you the center of my affections.
How do I stop that?
Can I stop that?
A friend of mine said to me the other day:
“I think our beliefs shape our reality.”
So am I holding myself back? By giving myself the space to love you in the past or present?
Is that what’s keeping me tethered to these feelings?
Or is it just my madness reminding me of what once was?
Like I wish I could just sit in those feelings without feeling like a retard.
I wish you really were waiting for me at the end of my shift, that I was waking it to you, or coming home to you, and that with love, with a partner set in stone, I could just focus on everything else I want to do with my life, knowing I picked someone that picked me, and we are happy.
But no, I have to fight off the warm and fuzzy feelings like they’re fucking demon’s trying to poison the pure land I’ve found myself after dedicating my mind and soul to zen.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!!
Do you have any idea how challenging this is?!
COULD YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CHALLENGING THIS IS?!
These fucked up thoughts of rape and infidelity in a relationship that was barely there, to constantly doubt myself, shred my confidence, think that my love was a lie and a cosmic joke for the pleasure of some apathetic god!
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
I am divided in myself and I want to set fire to the world.
And then I remember to breathe.
And I drink a beer.
And I do some snus.
Another remnant of you, but I’m sure I’m just addicted now.
And then I’m here, like I am right now, at home, in bed, YouTube on in the background as I remind myself I need to sleep before 4:00AM so I can get to work on time and pay for this life I’m lucky enough to still be living.
I fucking hate this shit so goddamn much.
I’m not forcing any smiles, but also, I’m not telling the entire truth.
This is the truth, it exists, for you, and anyone else that stumbles upon it, but I know I put it here so I don’t have to bring it with me everywhere else in my day to day.
Fuck this.