Voices say thats something only you would know.
I know what its in reference too but, those thoughts, specifically.
Hugging, Kissing, acts of intimacy, I get them every once in a while and they take me right out of my body.
A rush of endorphins at the the thought of just being skin to skin again.
I pull myself out of the delusion with a big inhale, or I stop moving if I’m walking.
I used to use violence.
I used to smack myself in the head.
I used to bang my head against the wall.
I feel like I shouldn’t have any good feelings or thoughts about you.
I feel like you should just be gone and I’m left some big, unfeeling, unflinching stone of a man.
But its the opposite thats true.
As rational as I want to be about never seeing you again, it delights me to no end to think that there’s a future between us, and if I could confirm that I promise you I’d be the happiest man in the world, or at least happier than I have ever been before.
Now here comes “reality” and “being rational.”
What a fucking let down.
Buzz kill.