Maybe it’s because I’ve been missing my meds but you’ve been on my mind these last few days, this last month.
I want to be gentle with you, with the idea of you, but I don’t know whether I should be actively loving you or trying to hate you.
I’ve written about it before but I don’t have it in me to hate you, maybe anyone, but especially not you.
People don’t seem to feel the same way about me though, and you’re included in that group of people.
Still, while walking home in the end of the summer weather, I wonder what it would’ve been like if I was able to meet you in Norway when I went, instead of being arrested. I know what I wanted to do, to hug you, give you those gifts, and talk, but things never go the way I expect them to go, and maybe I couldn’t have predicted my own actions, I’m 70% sure it wouldn’t have escalated at least on my part, but that’s in the past now. If I visit Northern Europe again, I’ll go to Sweden.
I don’t know what to do with these thoughts and feelings, with the voices that bring you up, that tell me you’re still holding out your heart for me, that in the end we will be together.
I give no weight to it, I don’t believe it and I definitely don’t sit and wait for it to come true, still, as embarrassing as it is to admit, it can make me feel good. Then I have to take those feelings and shove them into some muscle contraction like it’s a trash can, a garbage disposal.
I know my love was, is real, I know I just want to be done, but dammit if I’m going to bottle it all up and unleash a torrent of undeserving anguish on someone else.
That ain’t right either.
I did listen to a new song today that I added to the playlist, a song that went “I’ll spend the rest of my life leaving you” and I felt that was fitting.
Way better than the Norwegian song, like someone was trying to find where I sourced the music for that playlist to begin with.
But Sigrid was on the playlist this month, and that song wasn’t half bad.
I remember seeing a music video of hers where she was like 15 though, and now she’s 28??? Where did the time go…
See’ya.