Voices are telling me you would’ve gave one of those random guys at the top of the commons a blow job, I was there, I didn’t pick up on that.
They’re saying you blew on that feather before he gave it to you. I don’t remember that, but that act was the “blowjob.”
Ya’know…
This is tough.
I’d like it to just be me and the good memories I have of us, and that’s all, but the voices have a hold on me, some days stronger than others.
I know, I can become, apathetic, callous, jaded, indifferent and say “I can’t change the past”
“Her body her choice”
Etc etc
But it doesn’t make it hurt less.
And, when I say that, it doesn’t hurt as much as it did when this first started.
I’m not as confused,
I can take refuge in the girl I knew, the girl/woman I think you are,
But I also don’t want to live in the past.
I can’t compare some new, 30-something year old woman, you or another, to who we were at the springtime of our youth.
I’ve said in the past that I should just expect to be cheated on in my next relationship.
My therapist said I should be more hopeful, because I deserve to be respected, and loved the way I think love should work.
But honestly this whole shit has goddamn tanked my self esteem.
Maybe not tanked but I’ve been taken down a few pegs.
I’m strong sure but I want to be in shape.
I want to make more money.
Not necessarily have a car but maybe my own place. Living with my brother isn’t bad at all, I love it, rent is alright, and I know a new place would easily be double what I have to pay, even triple if we can get this whole thing figured out, but he’s said in the past that it’d be crapped living with a 3rd person, and he doesn’t live here with his girlfriend that he has now, albeit it’s still early in the relationship, but he could if he wanted to.
I don’t know, I’m just, doing a lot of soul searching again.
Internalizing everything.
Wondering if I’m in the right path.
I’m not “harassing” you anymore but I still want to talk.
I want to see you.
I want to kiss.
More than anything sometimes I just want you in my arms. Thinking about it brings me a comforting feeling, feelings that I have to shed because my reality isn’t in my head.
It’s my job.
It’s school work.
It’s the bills.
I know I’ve climbed the mountain of suicidal ideation and made it out remotely unscathed but it rears its ugly head from time to time but I’m reminded that I have family, and extended family that love me more than I’m currently loving myself right now, and not saying I’m living for them but I dont want to make their lives any worse with my death.
I’ve settled on living for a long, not a good time.
Voices are saying this blog is too long for you to read now.
That’s fine.
I don’t believe when they say you’ve read everything else.
Time will tell.
I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can’t.
Forward is the only way to go.
Take care.
Be well.
❤️