I said it in the shower a few hours ago:
You’re the only defect in my life right now.
I was just awarded a grant that pays for my fall semester tuition, as long as I keep getting grades like that I can practically earn my bachelors degree for free.
My mom is proud of me.
My brother likes to see my progress.
My dad thinks I have a good job and should keep it.
I’m losing weight.
Everyone at my job loves.
It’s just these nagging fucking voices and the thought of you destroying any relationship I try to build moving forward that derails me from time to time.
But now, now it’s not the worst it’s ever been.
There are only so many layers to peel back before you get to the core.
I don’t know why I’m getting this information.
I don’t consider these hallucinations “true stories” because of my anecdotal experiences with them, but I also can’t allow myself to fondly consider the past and live in those moments, not only because the battle with this psychosis would be worse, but that’s an equally unhealthy obsession.
It’d be wonderful to talk to you.
If you loved me like I love(d) you that’d be better than this cathartic blog space.
But I have to play the cards that life/God/The Universe has dealt to me.
I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have to lie to new women in my life, tell them I’ve never been in love before.
I have to push the envelope.
Force the issue, if I really want to see myself with someone else.
And I don’t know if I want to do that either.
There’s a creeping pain, worse than my headaches, worse than the feeling of my bladder opening that I see, with gleaming eyes, foreshadowed for like, my wedding day or something.
It opens its gaping maw and I’m too honorable to lie anymore, and that’s when it sinks its teeth in.
sigh
I know that was really dramatic…
But still.