And now that the voices have subsided, they leave me staring out another window of clarity, waking up to the sun shining down on me in my lonely bed, knowing one clear thing:
You don’t love me.
And that’s what makes dealing with these voices so tough.
They bring back all these feelings and memories, past and present.
It’s a waste of time, too stressful to be angry with you, I didn’t want to harass you, I wanted to talk again, I don’t want to feel anything for anyone, but if I’m going to at least it’s from a time where I was positive love was real, at least within and for me.
Or maybe I fall in love too easily, too quickly.
I’m not cut out for this, clearly.
But this sadness, the bright side of this sadness is that when I’m back in reality, and my guts are churning, my chest depressed, at least I know I haven’t succumbed to the delusions and hallucinations.
I know what to do with sadness.
I know how to escape it.
I always seem to find a reason to keep on living.
And I hope you do too.