Voices say you were having sex while I was graduating that summer when you were in Boston.
When I think about that, that feels like it should hurt me, more than it does.
When I go over all the “relational commitments” at the time (if we were “official”, etc.) it’s not as if you were in the wrong, but I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right either.
I’m writing right now because this moment, whether it happened or not, honestly turn my heart and heart into laundry being tossed in a dryer.
I think of whether or not I do actually love you, if I’m committed to you, but then I remember I’ve been trying to get your attention for more than 10 years.
Yeah, logically it doesn’t make sense to just keep loving you, but like weed is synonymous with Jamaicans, then it doesn’t make sense for me to have voices in my head. Or if they’re in my head, if it’s my brain, it doesn’t make sense for me to not be able to control them.
You fall into that kind of logical trap that really only ends with if all of these things are out of my control than maybe loving you is too.
And I’m not looking for a reason to be mad at you, or to walk away from you, you’ve given me plenty of reasons to do that already, I just want to talk, to sort it all out. Closure is ideal but the voices make it sound like if I ever get that, I should expect even more.
P.S.
Voices say it was rape. You were raped.
But voices also go on and say things like “that’s the opposite” after mic drops like that so, idk, I don’t rape people, I never think of rape to get what I want, please excuse me for calling it “sex” although it may not have been consensual going forward.