My friend subscribes to a theory of radical optimism, the kind of nihilism where you become happy when you realize “nothing matters.”
When I say “nothing matters” I mean that “nothing” is important, or significant.
Anyway, this scares me because if I want to go full on delusional I whole heartedly would believe that you and I are getting back together, and that’s not a decision I can make on my own, clearly.
I wish I could tow the line of radical optimism but it isn’t in the cards for me, or yet does my love burn just as hot for another.
So I try to stay rational, logical, not necessarily pessimistic but realistic, only determining my future with what I know and what I can accomplish. It’s like I’m cooking pasta on a stove and stirring the pot, taking the lid on and off trying to keep it at the right temperature so it cooks the noodles and doesn’t boil over. It’s not difficult, but I need to pay attention.
In this case it’s paying attention to myself, my thoughts, and my psychosis.
Because as much as they mention all the horrible things this world has to offer sometimes they say things like “she didn’t want to do this to you” or “that’s why no one wants to wait for her” like the voices are implying that we still have a future together. And the chemicals in my brain fire off and it’s like I’m in love again, but it’s just me by my lonesome, wishing all of my insanity were true because then I wouldn’t be insane anymore.
Fuck.