Voices have been saying lately that you, with your maiden name, committed suicide.
Of course, every time they say that I think I can just look up your actual name, and if you’re still working at your company website.
I haven’t done that, in a few months. Don’t know exactly how long but again, I’m trying.
The reason I bring this up is because I think it’s like, some kind of, “reverse” suicidal ideation?
As if the voices think if I hear about your supposed death/suicide, I’ll willingly kill myself.
They say things like “if you really wanted to be with her you would commit suicide.”
This isn’t suicidal ideation, as if I’m romanticizing it for myself, and if I were to kill myself, it’d be for the opposite reason. Not to “see you on the other side” but to not be a nuisance to you, or anyone else.
That’s what was running through my mind when I was in prison in Norway. I just didn’t want to bother anyone anymore.
But again, I thought about my mother, and how it would destroy her. Her life, getting back on track, and what ripples that would send through our community, here in Boston and abroad.
And now, I’m glad I didn’t go through with it, because I’m surrounded by people that sing my praises, and want to see me do well.
Basically what I’m saying is I’ve found a reason to live, and got a new lease on life.
I talked to my mom about it the other day and she said people like me because I’m “lovable” which is something I don’t even think I’d ever hear from you, or any other ex I’ve had.
It’s just… regardless of all these great people, and me being good to them in return, for some reason my mind is not only out of my control, but fixed on people like you, that either feel nothing for me, or what nothing to do with me, and you people seem to be people that I love, so so so so very much.
That, is another cruel joke within itself.
And it’s not funny.