I got high last night.
At first it was fine, but then the voices started to chime in, one by one, as I did my best to not consider them, not really take in what they had to say.
I had the feeling that I was being “passed around like a blunt” as each voice took their turn speaking to me, talking about me.
Some of them said I’m too good for you.
At some point I hallucinated someone vomiting on my right shoulder.
And in the middle of it all there were two polar opposite forces manipulated the muscles on the right and left side of my head.
At some point I called one of them “The loser singularity.”
The other, was apparently some guy you wanted to be with more than me.
There was more but all in all it lead me to today, where I thought something like
“Well maybe if I keep being wrapped up in these feelings, and there is no one to accept my expression of how I feel, maybe I’m destined to never find love again.”
And in that same experience, I was thinking, if I don’t write these things down, I don’t make them real. They don’t have a chance to be etched into existence, they don’t have any magic as some mental spell.
I don’t believe I won’t find love again, I think I would if I made it a priority, but it’s not, at the moment.
Beyond that, the world is large, and I haven’t met every woman on the planet.
I’ve thought if my partner asked me to delete this blog, then I would, I could, I don’t know if I’d start it again, or keep a notebook, my hope is that I’d be able to talk to them about my illness, and that we could move forward in treating it together.
But I don’t think I’m in such a decrepit state that I’m wholly unlovable, until the end of time.
Of course not, I know I can improve.
There traits belong to the two opposite forces in my mind that hate each other and yet want to emulate me.
And yet somehow, their real life counterparts have everything I could have ever wanted with you.
A wife and a child.
I no longer desire those things. If anything I wish to be forgotten, cast aside, so that I can reemerge in a new fantastical light that I have not been seen in before.
Even I’m annoyed at all this whining and writing to no one.
No one comments.
I don’t know if anyone reads.
But I can’t have it be bottled up either, and I’d rather if people wanted to, that they could engage with this.
Bounce ideas off.
Make light of it.
Something to take the edge off.
While there were also tales of you and incest, I chose not to write anymore detail about it, at least not in this large public space.
And also one of the voices was talking to Jessica, who admitted to the voice that we haven’t had words in almost 3 years now.
I wouldn’t treat her any differently because of it, but her voice seemed to know who it was that was pretending to be me.
Trying to steal my “psychic” identity.
Very odd.