Recently I’ve been fixated on this phrase that repeats in my head in regards to you:
“You know what you need to do.”
The voices say “she’ll become a lesbian before she knows what she needs to do.”
And finally concluded today saying that you’ve become an “oaf.”
I walked past 1010 Mass Ave today twice, because I had to go to the hospital.
Do you remember that day? When we went to Cambridge first and you “fainted” in my arms, then we went back to Dorchester and you stayed behind the door while I was in the meeting? The voices want me to think the janitor and you had something to do with each other. That you gave him a blowjob and he ejaculated on your neck, you know, a pearl necklace. Then Heather said to you “nice necklace” when we were all walking out of the meeting and you covered your neck before I could look and see.
I know I said I’d stop writing these horrible things but I want to know, so desperately, if it’s all true. I mean yes we were dating because you broke up with me while you were in New York, before you got to Boston but damn my soul to hell if I was to say I wasn’t committed to you. It’s not as if I took that opportunity to fuck other girls while you were around. You were the only one on my mind.
Back to my psychosis: the voices say “you know what to do” and I infer from that, that what you “need to do” is get back together with me, that’s what I sounds like the voices, that phrase is implying.
The you that I know however wants to decide for herself. The you that I know needs her time to think things through. This idea that getting back together with me will solve things or bring honor to your family sounds like the ideas of someone else, and in my mind I think it’s your fathers idea before you could call it your own.
I’m not sure what to think about anything nowadays. While I’m working towards my degree and losing weight those are the two most pressing things on my mind, I even visit this blog less and less as the days move on because I want to put this all behind me and hope for a brighter future in and with love.
That doesn’t mean I don’t care deeply about you, or regret that I loved you, but I have to recognize at least the words you’ve said to me and the actions you take against me. It makes no sense for me to hold out for you or your touch when you’ve distanced yourself both physically and emotionally from me. Why do I have to have some optimistic love for you? Why do I feel like at any point and time we can mend this wound you’ve given me? Such is life I suppose, but I digress, I have to think with my head, as clear as the foggy window that it can be is, and not with the even foggier window that is my heart.
So if you don’t know what to do, fine, I have to believe you have e your husband and your child if not multiple children and your life is going at a pace that you can tolerate manage and accept. You’re as happy as you could ever be and even better days are ahead, and whether or not that is true, I have nothing else to sway me from these thoughts lest I get lost in delusion and provide you with more emails or private messages filled with “illusive ranting.”
Good day, and God Bless you.
P.S. (edit)
Of course I see this after I finish the blog:
