Just Die Without Me

Voices keep saying how much you just want to die.

I’m

Not stopping you.

Just let me know if you’re dead so I can finally move forward.

If I’m just crazy and you’re dead, at least I know you’re dead and this will bother me less.

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU

Why are you playing into the hands of such unserious people!?

No, I know why. Because they have this “technology” to drive you insane, but still, there’s gotta be something else that can be done.

SOMETHING.

London

Voices say you have another child in the UK, and you wanted me to know that by sending those email from the child’s private school to my Apple email address..?

Edit: Voices are saying this kid in London is your true “Love Child” but how are you maintaining that relationship? What do you fly to London on weekends or something??? They’re also saying this is T, the opposite or what have you but a double life with two families is out of this world. I didn’t think people still did that in this day and age…

Edit: Now voices are saying you did that, cause I signed you up for the wine, you did that to suggest that I should have a child… lol no…

Attempted Murder

I can see that Norway has laws that have a maximum jail time of 21 years, but that’s for murder, I can’t find anything specific for Norway in attempted murder. I see a range of 3 to 12.5 years but I don’t know which country that pertains to.

Daughter given up for adoption, mostly because you’re the breadwinner.

Sucks to suck.

🎶Come Back Lover Come Back🎶

Voices keep saying you’ll “make it up to me”

That Aaron Wall wanted to come with me to New York

That you’d have been all over him

And then say that’s the opposite, that it’d be T.

That you wanted me to kill myself,

That T wanted me to kill myself.

This kinda ran in and out of my head as soon as it arrived, so that means I’m recovering, finally.

They keep saying it’s “somebody else” that wants all these horrible things and more to happen, I can’t keep up with it.

And I’m not betting on you coming back to make amends with me either, but it does feel nice to think about, and it reminds me of this song:

Why me?

We’ve had conversations in the past about what it means to be “strong” before.

Why am I the inspiration when I have no desire to kill myself?

And yes this madness has brought me to my lowest lows and I can empathize with being suicidal, but if you’ve had a rifle in your mouth and couldn’t pull the trigger try a handgun because the distance is much shorter.

I don’t know who’s “turning up” to save your life but if you give them the chance I don’t think you’re as serious as you claim you are about wanting to kill yourself.

edit: it should be easy for you to get a handgun. You could literally use me as an excuse, that you have an American stalker who might return to the country and you’re purchasing this gun as a form of self-defense.

Sex in Boston

But not with me.

Voices, sometimes, scream in my head about things. It’s almost a “distant” scream, like I can tell they’re screaming but from far away.

Anyway they just screamed that you had sex in the hostel in Boston.

Then quickly said NY.

I can’t make heads or tails of this, I just know they keep repeating themselves and I wish this would end.

Of course I’d like to hear from you in the present moment so I can solidify what’s real and what isn’t but alas, you have moved beyond the point of conversation. At least with me, as they also indicate your family members are courting other people using your e-mail or other social media handles, whereas I, again, am “blocked on everything.”

This sucks.

Playful

Voices tell me you were only being “playful” with me. That you did not feel the way I felt.

I wish they would just stop, because that seems obvious.

And I’m just repeating myself.

I’ve been ghosted and frozen out by you on multiple levels.

Nothing about that is playful, but it does demonstrate how much you want absolutely nothing to do with me.

If that’s subject to change, wonderful, but I seriously doubt it is.

edit: voices said you began to initiate a threesome with someone at the hostel in Boston. They make it sound as if the person that wanted the threesome, you allowed them to “turn all the way up” and once they had a tactile, a tangible radio body, you got up and left the engagement. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m describing…

Believe it or not

Voices keep trying to get me to believe there’s a “version of you” in Boston that “does anything you want” but really spends most of her time fulfilling exhibitionist sexual fantasies with all the people I’m friends with on Facebook…

Pegging

Voices in my head say you fucked someone up the butt, you pegged them, and you felt fake after words.

Now I know I blogged about that but I honestly don’t even like the feeling of a tongue grazing my arsehole let alone an object entering it.

If you tried it, I’d straight up kick you in the fucking face.

I’m only bringing this up because every time I bounce or rock my hips in bed, the voices keep saying I’m being fucked in the ass.

This is something they’re “trying to show me” and I just wish it would stop.

I don’t need to be shown anything.

Closed Up/Wet

Voices keep saying you’re “closed up” and that I “wouldn’t want it.”

That you’d rather stay where you are than be with me, because I’d expect to have sex.

That you wouldn’t want to be with someone faithful, they’d need to be unfaithful, I.e. willing to have sex with someone else.

I can do all these things and more, but you aren’t here, you aren’t with me, this is just me, reciting and reflecting on what the voices tell me, and you, not saying a word about it.

We should be able to talk about this.

Spoiled Smodbrod

Voices say if I was spoiled everyone would want to know “what’s so good about Me” and while I’m being sexually assaulted because there’s no other way to describe me being raped by your mother (I lied) they’d go through my belongings and steal my stuff.

you don’t want to eat my open faced sandwich now, you’d get sepsis and die

You’d rather be with Aaron Wall, he was immediately “cooked” and eaten.

Not my words! Voices!!!

Oh and that you live under a rock.

Literally you’re between a rock and a hard place I imagine and you have no social media and upon looking at your Facebook wall before you blocked me or deleted it I know Odin tried to share aftenposten with you so if you don’t even know what’s going on in your local paper (if that periodical is considered “local” ) then yes absolutely, you live under one of the biggest rocks in the world

r/ShowerThoughts

I said it in the shower a few hours ago:

You’re the only defect in my life right now.

I was just awarded a grant that pays for my fall semester tuition, as long as I keep getting grades like that I can practically earn my bachelors degree for free.

My mom is proud of me.

My brother likes to see my progress.

My dad thinks I have a good job and should keep it.

I’m losing weight.

Everyone at my job loves.

It’s just these nagging fucking voices and the thought of you destroying any relationship I try to build moving forward that derails me from time to time.

But now, now it’s not the worst it’s ever been.

There are only so many layers to peel back before you get to the core.

I don’t know why I’m getting this information.

I don’t consider these hallucinations “true stories” because of my anecdotal experiences with them, but I also can’t allow myself to fondly consider the past and live in those moments, not only because the battle with this psychosis would be worse, but that’s an equally unhealthy obsession.

It’d be wonderful to talk to you.

If you loved me like I love(d) you that’d be better than this cathartic blog space.

But I have to play the cards that life/God/The Universe has dealt to me.

I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I have to lie to new women in my life, tell them I’ve never been in love before.

I have to push the envelope.

Force the issue, if I really want to see myself with someone else.

And I don’t know if I want to do that either.

There’s a creeping pain, worse than my headaches, worse than the feeling of my bladder opening that I see, with gleaming eyes, foreshadowed for like, my wedding day or something.

It opens its gaping maw and I’m too honorable to lie anymore, and that’s when it sinks its teeth in.

sigh

I know that was really dramatic…

But still.

One two

Voices say you want to knock me out.

You make 50k a year, buy a ticket and try it bitch

I swear to god

Secret-

Apparently, Aaron Wall was supposed to keep this a secret.

Also, he’s “your favorite” because ??? He “gives a fuck” which is why he does not listen to you?

I don’t get it.

But that “your favorite” line is what fucking pissed me off when I watched “Get Out”

https://youtu.be/OT61p6s77_U?si=7ZdXoRSOxhPTo7FF

New Information

“She does not want to be with a @yahomied that would just be Aaron Wall reading his twitter account.”

Ok, this is getting really, REALLY annoying now.

Does this mf not have a personality of his own?

It’s one thing to just be randomly violent, and another to respond with violence to the voices in my head…

Your Uncle

He’s “the opposite” of your father.

He’s the one in place of Steinar, and the night I wrote that first e-mail, the one with “why am I so angry” apparently having sex with him, the voices say, and he’s you child’s real father.

Bombshell.

They also say because you can “perform intercourse” not necessarily “have sex” that’s how you know you’re “not related”

and also, you made him eat feces.

Edit:

Voices say you’re over there somewhere going “How would you know!? You must be in on it”

and I swear to god I’ve never wanted to punch someone in the face more than I want to right now because if I’M “IN ON IT” and I’m taking this stupid fucking medication for nothing someone is going to get choked to death. I promise you.

Edit: doesn’t matter that I can “Talk about it” I can just decide to do it anyway. Please, try me.

Are you kidding me?

I’m a Vanir and you’re an Aesir? What the fuck…

Edit: I’m watching this video for class “N!ai: The Story of a !Kung Woman” and the narrator, Nai’s voice just reminds me of you.

Not how she wounds but what she’s saying.

“I did not want to be with this person.”

“I had sex with the men I chose.”

“I’m married to a mad man.”

All these things and more just bounce off of my skull and reflect how I’ve been operating on this blog.