More Later, Maybe
I wouldn't know
I wouldn’t know what to do with you if I had you.
And what I mean by that, is that I don’t know what you like.
I’m not familiar with your culture beyond what I already know.
I don’t know your hobbies.
I don’t know your values.
I don’t know what makes you happy.
I don’t know what you avoid (other than me.)
At most, at best, is we could watch all of the American and Japanese TV shows I’ve collected recently that I used to watch growing up.
Still, it may indoctrinate you and make you “more American” than anything else, but at least it’s something.
That’s all I got.
And I mean yeah, museums, aquarium, blah blah blah all that shit.
Tourist stuff, sure, but as far as being alone in a room together?
And NOT having sex?
This is it.
I mean I could guess.
Books.
Puzzles.
But who doesn’t do that?
Isn’t that basic?
What makes you tick???
You’re a mystery.
Whoever you are.
Shitpost
So what?
Voices keep saying you’re in Boston.
I’m too intimidating to be approached.
I’m a “jerk” (reference to me jerking off and my personality)
And because I’m a jerk, that’s why I’m single.
I’m not “playful”
They say you experimented with Anal sex with the Australian boy, who was Asian, because you assumed his penis was small.
You still didn’t like it.
And that you will remain “slow” (stupid)
I don’t know what to say or do…
Well I suppose I know what to say.
I’d seek you out if I knew where you were, but if you’re terrified of me, then there’s no point.
Why would you be here then, if that’s the case?
“Sisu” the voices say now, that Finnish word for “courage” or “grit” as understood in that book “the Scandinavia way of love” or whatever. “The Nordic Approach to Life” ?
I can’t remember the title…
I’m going back to jerking off…
Freia
A few hours ago voices told me what the “shit” was.
Hi-larious.
If it were in my budget, I’d make up for it with the good stuff, I swear.
But now that I think about it, why do people from your part of the world rave so much about their confections?
Except for Denmark.
They’re proud about their butter.
🤔
Kismet
If you’re a neo-Nazi with someone else fine.
If you want to commit suicide, fine.
If you’re destined to be with someone else, fine.
What does this have to do with me?
Why can’t I get you out of my head?
Where the fuck is this coming from?
I’m taking my meds.
I’m getting sleep.
Why?
And to top it all off, even if I confront you, the voices just say you’re a “stupid piece of shit”
So now what?
Please just go away.
Poetry in Motion
Voices in my head keep talking about how you bet on my suicide.
Among other things (girl on the train)
Voices keep talking about the blogs where I said “I want to die” but kind of gloss over the fact that I say right after “and come back to life like a Phoenix.”
Maybe this is where the “burning my house down” idea came from as well.
I don’t recall any blog I wrote on either of my xanga where I wanted a permanent death.
Maybe I did, but it was all hyperbole.
I’m just tired in those moments.
Exhausted.
Burnt out.
Spent.
Voices (and the people in my waking life) recognize that it’s a lot of work to do what I’m doing.
Few, (albeit I don’t know how many) actually get the gusto to even try.
We persevere here on this side of the planet.
I’ve been saying this a lot recently,
“I try.”
There when I need it
Japanese Jazz
Tweets
Probably one of the hardest things to hear in my head when no one is around is how much my ex hates me, unprompted. That she wants me to be shot, wants to smack me, wants me dead, blah blah blah. I’m not perfect by any means, but I don’t think I deserve violence either.
The worst part about this is hearing it, and knowing I’m still in a minor aspect, loving her, while also trying to honor whomever else wants to enter my life with love as well. Like I don’t want jump into a relationship when my ever other thought is about my ex, but also-
I have to try to find some constructive way to move on… I’ve pretty much sworn off marriage and kids, and explored ideas about polyamory, or other non-monogamous consensual roles in relationships, none of it really feels right, and I mostly just want to be alone.
She Doesn't Love Me, Leave Me Alone
She Doesn't Love Me, Leave Me Alone.
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Voices
Voices keep saying you want me to die.
I know it’s been over for a while now.
I’m not “harassing” you anymore,
or I’m trying REALLY REALLY HARD not to.
I don’t know what you want from me.
I just want to talk to you.
Edit: Voices say Howard is trans. Post-opt, I assume, because they also say you “only make out” with him.
New Revelations from a whore and the unloved
Voices say you “lost it” on someone at the hostel in Boston I assume and then you had “sex” with them over and over.
Voices say this is another person you’re trying to convince to “get over it” or that whatever happened was just what it was and nothing more.
Work is busy today, or at least there’s an incident that needs a bit more attention than most days.
I don’t know what to feel, or what to think. I almost stayed in bed all day but I remembered I have responsibilities if not to my job than to myself, so I got up, did a shot of mouth wash, got dressed. I recently got a haircut so I didn’t brush my hair, it’s so low you could barely call it hair but still.
I had a little dream about you last night though, we were together in bed, but I forget what we were chatting about.
It felt good to think of you fondly, and I think that’s what I hate the most.
Not that I think about you, but that I still feel for you. And after all this time, after all that I’ve done, and what you haven’t done, that I can still feel “good” about “us.”
But maybe that’s the key to a strong marriage, one person that doesn’t quit.
One person that wants to do the right thing.
One person that will be there through thick and thin.
While the other one rots, is unfaithful, comes and goes as they please.
Who do I even blame for the “warm and fuzzies” myself? You?
I am who I am, and I’ve accepted that, but still.
Unfortunate_Romantic
Edit: Voices say you will “ignore me until I’m dead”
I’m just gonna go ahead and believe that.
I have nothing to say
And yet I find the words.
Love songs.
Poems.
Anger.
My love,
My hate,
And all of my sorrow.
I have that to you,
And no one else.
If that’s not enough,
Please,
Just let me move on.
In the next life,
Maybe,
Just maybe we’ll talk about it,
As long as the wheel turns.
And the sun,
Rises in the sky.
Getting what I want
Yeah, a long life full of whores and narcotics.
Halle-fucking-lujah!
Image Dump in a few minutes. I’m eating.
Edit: I had forgotten about the image dump cause I’m reading for class, here it is:
Sewer Slide
“Congratulations Nigger”
Those were the words the voices in my head told me had come from Howard, a neo-Nazi.
They keep saying you don’t want to be American.
They keep talking about divorce. Or at least in this moment they were.
They say you have nothing to say to me, or you don’t know what to say.
Honestly I don’t even know why that transmission was so fucking clear, it was coming right out of my phone as I was going through the memes my friends had sent me throughout the day.
Regardless, they say you don’t want to be in America/Boston because you’d be “turned all the way up.”
In all these situations the only weapon, the only option I seem to have is these words.
Writing writing and more writing.
To clear my head.
Because this barely inspires any art I would like to make.
edit:
There’s a voice outside my window trying to convince me that it’s you… why would you be so close and so far away?
You have every avenue to reach me and you choose to be in this city and ignore me or run away from me at every turn?
If that is you, which I doubt, then you don’t want to be with me.
Be with whomever your heart desires.
Do what your heart desires.
I just want what’s best for you.
And a dialogue, obviously.
Australia, Again
Voices are going back to that girl on the train, saying it was your maiden name.
Saying anyone wearing that pink jacket you had would be you.
Anyone small enough to fit in that jacket is bulimic.
Saying they were the one putting bugs on kids arseholes.
Saying that you wouldn’t written them a cheque to keep quiet about that form of molestation.
Saying that Asian guy that said “nice hat” before I walked by that girl is your Australian ex.
Saying he expected or wanted me to come out of the closet…
Slap
Voices say you want to smack someone, I know I deserve it, this is what I’m imagining: