Questions no one will answer

Saw a video on Instagram of a girl with her guy getting her period…

Should I always keep backup Freya in the freezer or do you not like frozen chocolate?

My buddy from Sweden keeps Marabou around the house but I think it’s just for him. He has a partner don’t get me wrong but HE* thinks it’s the best chocolate in the world…

Anyway…

It is pretty good chocolate though, lol.

I apologize

At the time I sent the gift basket of chocolate and crackers I didn’t think that I should specifically send the brand “Freya”

I apologize, to you, and the office, but I don’t think I’m going to do it again.

Meaning

Voices just said if you had stayed you would have behaved like Steiner, who galavants and does whatever he wants.

Now I’m finally hearing things I can understand.

Voices also said that in the past tense, and I know you’ve already said how you have a husband and a child.

Good. Hopefully the end of this will arrive soon.

Hospital

Voices are talking about this time I was admitted to the hospital by my grandmother and while I was on the stretcher a girl that looked similar/sort of like you walked in and pointed at me down the hall and walked out.

Obviously, the “thing to do” would have been to chase you down in the throes of my madness and get all the answers I needed to get or wanted to get out of you then, but I’m in my head even when I’m out of my mind and I knew that doing that would only make my situation worse.

Another week long or more stay at the looney bin and I am where I am now, sans other details.

I don’t know why they zero in and bring up these hyper specific events but hey, I guess I’m just rolling with it.

I have to pay more money to put Spotify on this page

But I will, so when people click this page the playlist of all those love songs will play and they can read and scroll and maybe that will create a more immersive “heartache/heartbreak” experience as they listen to all the songs of various and multiple genres that all really talk about the same thing in different ways… anyway, some “idealism”

Uhnoid

Voices say you were sexually assaulted in New York by your family.

That if we stayed together you would have left without any notice.

That you hate that I would be fine left alone.

Other things.

I’m just annoyed because I keep hearing this.

Unfaithful

Voices keep saying we broke up or if we continued to be together you’d be unfaithful.

So if that’s true I suppose it’s a good thing we’re not together.

On the other hand my feet are dipping into polyamory and I don’t know that I’d care so much at this stage in my life.

Don’t get me wrong dear reader: I would prefer monogamy, however, I am opening my mind to new or different relationship styles.

Anyway, listening to a new album, vibing at work, just trying to think about something other than you.

Weed Weed

I got high last night.

At first it was fine, but then the voices started to chime in, one by one, as I did my best to not consider them, not really take in what they had to say.

I had the feeling that I was being “passed around like a blunt” as each voice took their turn speaking to me, talking about me.

Some of them said I’m too good for you.

At some point I hallucinated someone vomiting on my right shoulder.

And in the middle of it all there were two polar opposite forces manipulated the muscles on the right and left side of my head.

At some point I called one of them “The loser singularity.”

The other, was apparently some guy you wanted to be with more than me.

There was more but all in all it lead me to today, where I thought something like

“Well maybe if I keep being wrapped up in these feelings, and there is no one to accept my expression of how I feel, maybe I’m destined to never find love again.”

And in that same experience, I was thinking, if I don’t write these things down, I don’t make them real. They don’t have a chance to be etched into existence, they don’t have any magic as some mental spell.

I don’t believe I won’t find love again, I think I would if I made it a priority, but it’s not, at the moment.

Beyond that, the world is large, and I haven’t met every woman on the planet.

I’ve thought if my partner asked me to delete this blog, then I would, I could, I don’t know if I’d start it again, or keep a notebook, my hope is that I’d be able to talk to them about my illness, and that we could move forward in treating it together.

But I don’t think I’m in such a decrepit state that I’m wholly unlovable, until the end of time.

Of course not, I know I can improve.

There traits belong to the two opposite forces in my mind that hate each other and yet want to emulate me.

And yet somehow, their real life counterparts have everything I could have ever wanted with you.

A wife and a child.

I no longer desire those things. If anything I wish to be forgotten, cast aside, so that I can reemerge in a new fantastical light that I have not been seen in before.

Even I’m annoyed at all this whining and writing to no one.

No one comments.

I don’t know if anyone reads.

But I can’t have it be bottled up either, and I’d rather if people wanted to, that they could engage with this.

Bounce ideas off.

Make light of it.

Something to take the edge off.

While there were also tales of you and incest, I chose not to write anymore detail about it, at least not in this large public space.

And also one of the voices was talking to Jessica, who admitted to the voice that we haven’t had words in almost 3 years now.

I wouldn’t treat her any differently because of it, but her voice seemed to know who it was that was pretending to be me.

Trying to steal my “psychic” identity.

Very odd.

Being reasonable

There’s no reason for me to believe the conspiracy theories floating around my mind that I’m not consciously thinking up myself.

It would be better for me to consider that last xanga message, and recognize your husband and the family you’ve started with him.

I think of all the things I do, the hobbies I have and with my limited knowledge of you, if we could have ever met somewhere in the middle and enjoy things together.

Granted, every relationship isn’t “perfect” like couples don’t always sync hobbies and it’s that frustrating aspect of things that make me think we could have worked.

But that’s in the past now, and it doesn’t appear to be apart of the future.

Like I can push past the idea of “getting back together” at least be a few steps ahead of it and then, maybe this time, come back to voices because I was careless and forgot my medication for a few nights because I was over-tired.

So I guess the solution to giving this up for good is to have some sure fire method to remember my pills, something that I can ignore.

Something…

Sides of the Brain

In regards to homosexuality.

Whenever a voice proclaiming to be you or some other woman or even man declares they’re homosexual, the muscles of my head correspond.

The muscles on the left side of my head contract when a female voice says she’s a lesbian, the right side when a male voice says they’re gay, or another voice calls what I assume is a male antagonist gay.

I’m realizing now that I didn’t take my medication yesterday/today around midnight, that’s because I was already asleep. I slept away most of the day yesterday, wasn’t in the mood to do anything, but I still managed to get the grocery shopping done, I wasn’t a complete fuck up.