Gambling and Norwegian Culture

Because I stayed in your prisons and watched your TV commercials , I know that “bets” and “gambling” in general is kind of a big deal.

I mean I don’t get it, we have the power all here and commercials for casino’s but we don’t have a bingo app where we can just gamble regularly on our phones.

Lotto ticket apps are honestly fairly new.

All this to say, voices in my head are saying I’d hate you because you made a bet.

Hate is a strong word, I don’t think whatever disappointment I feel would equate to hatred.

Frankly I don’t know what I’d feel.

When the voices come on I run through a gamut of emotions sometimes.

I wish I had some clue as to what was really going on.

I’m not doing the work to stay sane

Voices in my head are saying you didn’t even like me, you just took a bet and made sure to see it through so you’d win the bet.

Voices say you have a masc presenting lesbian partner.

Voices say you just want to watch porn, that most of Norway does.

Voices say this that and the other, so if it is “the opposite” some of it isn’t, I don’t even try to discern what’s true or not.

But I think back to that first thing I said and I go “but I saw her twice. Did she just make a bet twice and now won’t make anymore?”

Where’s the sense?

Why the long con?

Do I really mean nothing to you?

I don’t know if I’ll ever get any of my questions answered, especially not after the stunt I pulled back when I got arrested at the airport.

I’m taking 15mg of Olanzapine Now.

If this medication does anything, hopefully it stops me from hallucinating about you.

But if I got accustomed to 10mg, I don’t have much hope for a higher dose.

I’m not a gold digger

Literally if there was any hope of us getting back together it’d be like an active choice to stay together and to learn to love each other. Like yes I would kill 50 men in cold Blood with my bare hands just to see you walk away from me but all I’ve learned from being passionate and mad about you is that women don’t want you to be passionate and mad they just want you to do what the say.

Why do they only care about you?!

Over and over again they keep saying your name but each time they bring you up somehow there’s a new story where you become more selfish and more terrible than you already have proven yourself to be.

As they talk the rift between us widens and not once do they consider reading anything I’ve written or even making themselves known to me and ask long what I want out of all of this madness!

They just keep talking about YOU! Like that sandwich at Home.Stead the “Hot Norwegian” it’s just a surf bagel with stale fucking bread, that sucks! Take it off the menu!

That you! You’re off the menu!!! I’ve done my damndest to move on and put one foot in front of the other and I’m finally getting somewhere again and I get a night of no sleep and new stories about the stupid bitch that doesn’t fucking love me.

News Flash: I DONT NEED TO HEAR ANY OF THIS!!!

Sex at the ICA

Voices say you went to the museum and attempted to have sex with someone on the museum floor but you were kicked out immediately.

I need to hear the facts of these stories from the horses mouth, I.e. yours, but if I can’t get that, for the rest of my life why do I have to live with this for the rest of my life?

they say you did it just to try and feel something, given that in my last blog post we know that you were on SSRI’s so achieving orgasm was either difficult if not impossible.

Regardless, the expectation I feel from the voices, from this new “context” is that you having sex in the museum is what you meant when you said “I’ve seen this before” at the Sheapard Faery exhibit.

I don’t even know if that’s how you spell his fucking name, and I know I shouldn’t believe what the voices are saying, I don’t want to hear anything about you at all but it keeps coming back into my fucking head and you can’t even be fucking brave enough to respond to a fucking email FUCK YOU.