More Horrors

Voices say you wanted to be sexually assaulted and I assume killed after and that was the objective of that police officer.

Am I supposed to apologize or something for not being able to do that?

Cannibal Corpse Album Cover

Is that what this is leading up to?

Voices tell me you don’t have an eye, that you’re missing an arm, and one time scrolling Twitter I saw the grotesque collection of album covers for the band “Cannibal Corpse”

Is that what this is all leading up to?

I mean I’m sitting here trying to fucking connect the dots from nothing at this point.

“Impossible to think about”

Voices in my head are going back over the atrocities, the horrors as I called them, that happened to you in your life.

The keep talking about this “Black Metal” album I assume that still hasn’t been made, because the inspiration has to be “unthinkable” but to even be inspired enough to create, you have to think, or at the very minimum, feel something, and later when people ask, if people ask, what inspired you, thinking begins again.

I keep hearing these, “tall tales” that I may never know are true or not but as they bombard me and my person I wonder if any of this is really necessary.

It seems as if, and I’m saying this with my new knowledge of Viking culture, it seems as if one party, the person trying to make the album is really using this as an excuse to get revenge on you, or whomever, for what- I cannot fathom, at least I can’t fathom anything I haven’t already considered in the depths of my madness.

Still, if the party is just seeking eternal vengeance they should let that urge die. It’s not healthy.

Gambling and Norwegian Culture

Because I stayed in your prisons and watched your TV commercials , I know that “bets” and “gambling” in general is kind of a big deal.

I mean I don’t get it, we have the power all here and commercials for casino’s but we don’t have a bingo app where we can just gamble regularly on our phones.

Lotto ticket apps are honestly fairly new.

All this to say, voices in my head are saying I’d hate you because you made a bet.

Hate is a strong word, I don’t think whatever disappointment I feel would equate to hatred.

Frankly I don’t know what I’d feel.

When the voices come on I run through a gamut of emotions sometimes.

I wish I had some clue as to what was really going on.

I’m not doing the work to stay sane

Voices in my head are saying you didn’t even like me, you just took a bet and made sure to see it through so you’d win the bet.

Voices say you have a masc presenting lesbian partner.

Voices say you just want to watch porn, that most of Norway does.

Voices say this that and the other, so if it is “the opposite” some of it isn’t, I don’t even try to discern what’s true or not.

But I think back to that first thing I said and I go “but I saw her twice. Did she just make a bet twice and now won’t make anymore?”

Where’s the sense?

Why the long con?

Do I really mean nothing to you?

I don’t know if I’ll ever get any of my questions answered, especially not after the stunt I pulled back when I got arrested at the airport.

I’m taking 15mg of Olanzapine Now.

If this medication does anything, hopefully it stops me from hallucinating about you.

But if I got accustomed to 10mg, I don’t have much hope for a higher dose.

I’m not a gold digger

Literally if there was any hope of us getting back together it’d be like an active choice to stay together and to learn to love each other. Like yes I would kill 50 men in cold Blood with my bare hands just to see you walk away from me but all I’ve learned from being passionate and mad about you is that women don’t want you to be passionate and mad they just want you to do what the say.

Why do they only care about you?!

Over and over again they keep saying your name but each time they bring you up somehow there’s a new story where you become more selfish and more terrible than you already have proven yourself to be.

As they talk the rift between us widens and not once do they consider reading anything I’ve written or even making themselves known to me and ask long what I want out of all of this madness!

They just keep talking about YOU! Like that sandwich at Home.Stead the “Hot Norwegian” it’s just a surf bagel with stale fucking bread, that sucks! Take it off the menu!

That you! You’re off the menu!!! I’ve done my damndest to move on and put one foot in front of the other and I’m finally getting somewhere again and I get a night of no sleep and new stories about the stupid bitch that doesn’t fucking love me.

News Flash: I DONT NEED TO HEAR ANY OF THIS!!!