Constant Yapping

The voices don’t have to keep talking about you.

Going on about how you’d rather do this or that with other people, that you’re “so numb” and “only feel things when you’re turned up”

Whatever.

All they’re saying is you don’t want me, and I feel like you’ve made that clear.

"We just want you to go psycho or kill yourself"

I can’t keep up with the who’s who in my head.

I can’t compartmentalize when you are actually “ somebody else”

And on top of that, this, radio frequency psychic body possession can happen at anytime

with people that are or could be leagues stronger than we are, and puppeteer our movements?

So is anything really our own fault?

Fuck Understanding

Is the only way for this/these person(s) to make art is to stew in these adolescent emotions?!

Take stock, take notes and go about life like a grown up omfg.

I promise it’s not that deep, definitely not for you to be producing literal EVIL in the world. What the fuck.

Hit the nail on the head?

Some dude got his cock sucked and snowballed , some dude in on this black metal music plot and they “turned him all the way up” to see if they could make any music out of the way that he felt and they wanted it to happen to me to get the same kind of inspiration?

Does that ring any bells?

More Horrors

Voices say you wanted to be sexually assaulted and I assume killed after and that was the objective of that police officer.

Am I supposed to apologize or something for not being able to do that?

Cannibal Corpse Album Cover

Is that what this is leading up to?

Voices tell me you don’t have an eye, that you’re missing an arm, and one time scrolling Twitter I saw the grotesque collection of album covers for the band “Cannibal Corpse”

Is that what this is all leading up to?

I mean I’m sitting here trying to fucking connect the dots from nothing at this point.

“Impossible to think about”

Voices in my head are going back over the atrocities, the horrors as I called them, that happened to you in your life.

The keep talking about this “Black Metal” album I assume that still hasn’t been made, because the inspiration has to be “unthinkable” but to even be inspired enough to create, you have to think, or at the very minimum, feel something, and later when people ask, if people ask, what inspired you, thinking begins again.

I keep hearing these, “tall tales” that I may never know are true or not but as they bombard me and my person I wonder if any of this is really necessary.

It seems as if, and I’m saying this with my new knowledge of Viking culture, it seems as if one party, the person trying to make the album is really using this as an excuse to get revenge on you, or whomever, for what- I cannot fathom, at least I can’t fathom anything I haven’t already considered in the depths of my madness.

Still, if the party is just seeking eternal vengeance they should let that urge die. It’s not healthy.

Gambling and Norwegian Culture

Because I stayed in your prisons and watched your TV commercials , I know that “bets” and “gambling” in general is kind of a big deal.

I mean I don’t get it, we have the power all here and commercials for casino’s but we don’t have a bingo app where we can just gamble regularly on our phones.

Lotto ticket apps are honestly fairly new.

All this to say, voices in my head are saying I’d hate you because you made a bet.

Hate is a strong word, I don’t think whatever disappointment I feel would equate to hatred.

Frankly I don’t know what I’d feel.

When the voices come on I run through a gamut of emotions sometimes.

I wish I had some clue as to what was really going on.

I’m not doing the work to stay sane

Voices in my head are saying you didn’t even like me, you just took a bet and made sure to see it through so you’d win the bet.

Voices say you have a masc presenting lesbian partner.

Voices say you just want to watch porn, that most of Norway does.

Voices say this that and the other, so if it is “the opposite” some of it isn’t, I don’t even try to discern what’s true or not.

But I think back to that first thing I said and I go “but I saw her twice. Did she just make a bet twice and now won’t make anymore?”

Where’s the sense?

Why the long con?

Do I really mean nothing to you?

I don’t know if I’ll ever get any of my questions answered, especially not after the stunt I pulled back when I got arrested at the airport.

I’m taking 15mg of Olanzapine Now.

If this medication does anything, hopefully it stops me from hallucinating about you.

But if I got accustomed to 10mg, I don’t have much hope for a higher dose.