Shower Thought 01: Ghosting

So, the ex I go on and on about ghosted me. And for a long time I thought I wouldn’t ghost anyone.

That turned out to not be true, and sometimes I feel bad about it. But also, I feel justified because this relationship was not only toxic, I think it was literally bad for my health.

Where do I begin.

I met this girl on Okcupid, Jamie. She was cool but not my type, and on a date I invited a friend of mine and just kind of left them both alone at the local bowling alley. I was dabbling with astrology at the time and their signs, I thought, were compatible so I thought they’d be a better match. Occasionally I’d talk to Jamie every now and then but I didn’t really try to lead her on, and if I did, I apologize for that, because I didn’t want to. But we were all young dumb and full of cum back then so hopefully it’s water under the bridge.

What was odd about Jamie is that she had this friend, Courtney, that would literally poach any guy Jamie was into. Like she’d friend them on Facebook or whatever, find them, and fuck them, and that’s exactly what happened to me.

I was fine with it, Courtney was more my speed but in terms of how fast we were living she was living much faster than I was.

After a collaboration in nude modeling and more nights filled with vodka than I can actually remember, I basically followed her around Allston, basically salivating from both heads trying to get another nut.

I remember this one time I was at another girls party, in the Allston area, and Courtney called me claiming she’d kill herself by jumping off the balcony if I didn’t come over.

I was wearing not rose colored glasses my friend, but crimson ones.

I left the party, I went over, I got drunk.

There was another gathering with Courtney where we were in a room of people, talking, just chatting, and I suppose I was “stealing the show” and she, viciously, kicked me in the nuts.

It made sense in my head to attack her back, but c’mon, look at the color of my skin. Somehow I laughed through tears and walked away.

There was another night where I was with Courtney, she invited another guy over, and I was passed out in the bathtub.

We weren’t “officially” dating, ever in our relationship, but we might as well have been. If it was a romantic relationship, it was open, and not because I wanted it to be, but also, during the first few moments of meeting her, she asked me to “go out with her” and I straight up said “no.”

She also asked me once to meet her family, and again, I declined.

Through the years of knowing her, hooking up with her, hooking up with her while she was dating someone else, I just don’t know what the fuck was going on in my head that made me such a dog. Coming back around begging for scraps of affection, thinking the sex was easy to get.

Courtney was on a lot of medication. Antidepressants among other things.

My buddy and I were out one night and he straight up said “she seems like she’s on antidepressants” and while I thought “okay rude” I also wondered how he could see through her that clearly and I couldn’t. Now I wonder what he went through in life…

That same night we left a party I invited her too, and we left to go eat Bonchon. I asked her to come with us but she wanted to stay at the strangers party. Not the best move.

After dinner we returned to the party and she was alone in the shower crying, somehow the laptop that was playing the music went missing and they thought we stole it when we went to dinner and they were holding her hostage. There was a standoff in the kitchen and before we came to blows, the mutual friend of ours came in and settled things.

Life progresses and I distance myself from her and she notices. She’s dating this guy in Somerville and he’s asleep, so we go outside down the road to drink and talk. We start to fool around and uh, she’s noticeably “dry.”

Even in my drunken stupor I know something is wrong, so we just make out until like, 3AM and she calls me an Uber back to my place.

I had to get to work at 9AM that day.

From there I knew, or at least I felt “if you don’t stop this shit, you’re going to ruin your life.”

So I blocked her number, blocked her on social media, and to this day if I see any kind of clue about her I immediately go to block it.

There was one night I was in a club, kinda drunk and sexually frustrated so I thought I’d unblock her and drop a line. I stopped myself, and I haven’t had the urge since…

I used to say “I had strong feelings for her” just shy of “love” but no, in the twisted world of my terrible twenties, we were in love, I was in love, but it wasn’t going in a direction that I could predict, it wasn’t safe, and it wasn’t stable, and again, I think if I kept following her into the abyss, I would’ve lost more than just a few brain cells getting black out drunk.

I don’t know if she’ll ever see or read this, and I’m not sure that I care if she does, but I do hope that life has gotten better for her, at least that, because it has for me.

Aaaannnndddd this is how I justify ghosting someone lol

Horny Fat Guy Looking for Love

Whats up party people in the place to be?

I’m writing this blog a few days early because I’m afraid I’m going to be preoccupied come August. I won’t publish this blog entry until August 1st however.

Been absorbing more and more leftist content online and I feel worse and worse about myself. Particularly in the dating sense of it all.

I’m a conservatively raised millennial living in a “liberal” state, but as far as “Attraction” goes the rules are pretty much the same as in some dystopian science fiction novel: “like for like.”

So I’m stuck as a fat black guy with a predilection for white women, really, any woman outside of my race (skin tone) but living in the Racist Revolution of the United States. Worst time to want to swirl, unless you have maybe a degradation kink.

Beyond that however I made this rule that I wouldn’t really put effort into dating until I lost all this extra weight. And the weight loss is going well, steadily if not speedily but I look to my friends lives and one of them just got back together with the girl of his dreams.

I compare myself to other people all the time so I’m comparing myself to him, and he REALLY put himself out there. Like multiple apps, multiple dates, constantly broke because he was going out much and I think “that’s what it looks like when you make it a priority.” And it looks to me like God or the Universe rewarded him for his efforts. So I’m not there yet, but I so badly want to have the same sex life although I’m 3 times his size hahaha. Maybe it’s possible for someone else, but not for me, but also, I’m not making it a priority, and yet I can’t seem to escape feeling bad about myself while digesting all the hyper critical content of the “moral elite” for lack of a better term.

I’m sure I’ll get over it. Like I’m sure I’ll be proud of the body I’ve regained from being consistent and diligent in this fitness journey, but instant gratification is a bitch.

See’ya later alligators!

There's nothing to celebrate.

What’s up party people in the place to be!?

I’d say “Happy 4th” but honestly I don’t think there’s anything worth celebrating today.

And even that might just be a “1st world problem,” all things considered.

I’ve put this blog entry off for 3 days now, but I want to get it out there before the month ticks into double digit days.

Life in America sucks, or it is not “ideal.”

And while I try to take in as much leftist politics as possible, trying to make sense, politically, of right and wrong I just keep coming to the conclusion that the left is almost far too fractured to be effective, and maybe thats the point? Maybe that’s by design?

I was listening to this podcast (https://on.soundcloud.com/l4G28XlURDKuOEZtI2)

And it’s like, two Australian guys being a bit cynical and reductionist about the state of the world. But changes in America do affect the rest of the world, whether we think it does or not, they have every right to chime in on our political crisis, but as they spoke and talked about things one thing I picked up on is how much they either hated or disowned leftist groups, movements, or politicians that they felt weren’t “left enough” either in policy or practice, and I was wondering “well that who or what do you have remaining?”

To put it simply, it’s distressing, and it feels hopeless, and if this is the general thoughts around political leftists its no wonder most left accounts are just nihilist meme pages on instagram and so on.

Not that I’d advise “giving up hope” but I think the current state of the country calls for fighting fire with fire. Might plunge us into another civil war but why can’t I shake the feeling that someone has to die?

That feels like American history.

Happy Pride Month

So I went to go buy some pride flags that were advertised as “free” but they wanted me to pay $50 in shipping, so I didn’t buy them.

Whats up party people in the place to be? I made an outline for what I wanted to blog about this month, gimme some time to find the document…

Here we go!

My first topic is “Confronting Capitalism and Embracing Socialism, the Party for Socialism and Liberation and Celebrity Democrats.”

I should have taken better notes because I have no idea what I meant or planned to write just looking at that sentence alone lol, but theres a blurb under it that says:

“[I’m] trying to be center left, not feeling I belong to some civil rights movement, the absurdity of the right, disappointing my friends on both sides of the spectrum, finding my own political voice, fractures within my black identity.”

I think its coming back to me, but to go a bit deeper, I have friends that make “right leaning jokes” and not to say that they aren’t funny I think that trying to educate them on “why this is problematic” means I’ll be losing a friend. We’re all on the internet, and I post stories that move the conversation forward all the time on instagram, which now feeds to my facebook, and I feel that if at any point my friends or family wanted to reach out and talk to me about the issues that plague the world, they would. Ignorance is bliss, so they say, and I don’t mean to force my political ideas onto anyone. I’m still very much learning myself, but the ebb and flow of which wave to follow wears down my pier of “centrism.”

Beyond that, I’ve been seeing a lot of discourse around this guy Hasan Piker. Not that I have anything against him myself, I haven’t sat with his content for long enough but I did hear or read that some people accuse him of being a “fraud.” Because he’s living the lifestyle of the rich and the famous while championing or disavowing the U.S. government and it’s policies if not actions and crimes. In layman’s terms, people thing he’s biting the hand that feeds him. And while I have more to learn and to watch, my question to him is why interview or prop up the democratic party? Why not even further left political parties that have begun to rise in the country? Maybe I already know the answer, and it’s that he doesn’t believe presently that any other party has any chance in hell competing with the democrats, and they, even if they are not perfect, are the best shot we have, currently, at a more equitable America, fine, that seems logical, but could he go harder? With all the media attention he has, could he platform, successfully, a new political push to go even further left? I think yes, but I do not know.

As far as the PSL is concerned I don’t know what it is, but it makes my stomach turn. I’m not uncomfortable in a way where I’m excited to see more, I’m uncomfortable in a way that makes me go “hey, get the hell out of there.” It feels like a ragtag group of like minded individuals that belonged to no other social group that came together to fight a power with each other because they had no one else to turn to. And maybe I’m saying that from a place of privilege? Because I can clearly see my family, friends, and even employers affection and love for me, I wonder with these individuals, what happened or is happening in their own lives so that they are so staunchly hardened against America, where every politician that isn’t their own is “the bad guy.” I see a lot of “The Democrats wont save you” or “Both parties are the same” but in that same context, I also see just as much content that takes a more nuanced look into bureaucracy and even voting on policy with different mathematical numbers and spreadsheets on how the dems vote versus the republicans. I mean everyday the Democrats have to fight with enemies of the state, and these further left movements and militias don’t really give them that kind of grace and understanding. And again, they aren’t perfect, and some of them might even be paid off, but I don’t see how “tearing it all down” in some flash fire of political passion will make anything better in that same moment or the next day. In my head, destabilizing America is not the wisest move, and that’s being proven by the current administration.

Lastly, I’m having another clash with my skin color. I think I should be on the front lines of these movements, martyring myself for progress, because I’m black. My family says this is the white mans problem, and I don’t disagree, and I’m doing something but am I doing enough? The people at work tell me to just keep showing up, but not in a sense that I should be apathetic to these causes, but in a sense that I have just as much value putting a smile on peoples faces at work, if not more value than me standing with a picket sign. I don’t know, I’m confused, but I do know that I have bills to pay.

On being an artist, does being or becoming a great artist mean I have to lock myself in a cave and remove all influence from the wider world out of my personal library? I see these tow great artists that I interact with regularly that seem to have no idea about media that I am fondly aware of, that greatly resembles there work. It’s like that idea of 1000 monkeys on typewriters will eventually create Shakespeare, its fascinating to me, but ideas are the economy of things. They say no art is original and everything is borrowed, but does fine skill mean that night and day is dedicated solely and only to the craft? There’s so much I want to do and so much to be done! I feel like I’ll be paltry at everything before I’m good at something.

Recently I’ve kind of fallen in love with strength training, and cooking. Didn’t see this in the cards but I’m excited for my future growth. Right now I’m tracking my food with the “My Fitness Pal” app, and what I’ve realized is that my blood sugar is really high. Even though I’ve swapped out junk food, candy, with mostly fruit, still, my blood sugar is almost double some days. So I know this journey will be long but I like the path that I’m walking down.

School is stressful, what else is new, and the summer semester started last week Tuesday. Wish me luck!

A Message from Instagram:

4/15/25

2:15AM

“Nah I’m not on the market to buy a home. I don’t know that I want to settle down in the United States. Racism is everywhere for sure but I want to see a bit more of the world, learn languages, talk to people that aren’t me. I might just rent for a while or stay here in my mom’s house and stack bread. I don’t want to start a family anymore, I just want to feel like I’ve come to a decision by my own understanding because right now it feels like I’m being pulled in every direction by everyone else.”

And lastly, PORN!

Bet you didn’t see that coming lol

My porn poisoned brain runs into faces and names that I think want to fuck me or are people I want to fuck just about everyday. For a while now I was thinking this dudes wife was into me but it turns out she might just be an anxious person underneath it all and I’m too horny for my own good. Still! I think if my brain wasn’t chasing the adrenaline of making my everyday into a “pizza with extra sausage” scene, maybe I’d be chasing that high doing something else? Something more dangerous? Who knows.

I want to end this fine shyt but saying I might marry at Vietnamese girl? Idk but she jumped into my DM’s and I feel like it could happed lmao.

Later Gators, until we meet again!

I don’t feel good.

I keep thinking of a loveless marriage and estranged children.

Having a baby with a girl in another marriage.

Marrying not for the benefit of being and love and being married, but for the benefit, while we both benefit, but mostly for my partner.

What is God/the Universe testing me with?

With an estranged child I know I’d feel the pangs of a fatherhood that wouldn’t be.

In a transactional marriage I’d want more, constantly, and I wouldn’t get it without consent.

I wouldn’t get a love child.

I don’t know that I would even get sex.

Maybe a performative kiss on the wedding day, and that’s final.

I reach deeper into my chest, my mind, my soul and I know this isn’t what I want, this isn’t the life I’m seeking, and while marriage and children are no longer a benchmark for me to reach on my life’s bucket-list, I think “is this it? Are these my only options?”

The child I think fondly of, because I know in the moment of “making” the child, I will enjoy myself.

Catastrophe strikes, like it does in many of my other day dreams and mental scenarios, of her fuck husband becoming decidedly violent, or an alcoholic, or abusing the child after it’s born and growing up, but mostly I just feel this greater need to “be there.”

I want to celebrate the first birthday.

And the second!

And the third!

I don’t want to be described as some “uncle” knowing damn well that’s MY DNA!

I’m hurting, because it feels like some “loving God” has forced me to come to terms with things I thought no longer mattered to me.

And as I continue to type I solidify my feelings and emotions.

That child might be a mistake, but not in the same way “mistakes” like that are made.

I am pained, and longing, and touch starved and confused and angry, all at the same time!

And I’m not even drunk anymore so what the hell!!!