X-Mas 2025

What’s up party people in the place to be? Hope you had a good year, mine had a few ups and downs but I’m happy to report, mostly ups.

I still have psychosis about my ex. I close my eyes and see her fornicating with men whose faces are always hidden. Men I will never know, and they bring up this feeling as if it hurts my heart. Logically, and with enough time I can go “oh but we were on a break,” “oh we weren’t together” but maybe I’m reeling because I feel like for as much love and kindness and tenderness that I was willing to give, whatever sacrifice I thought I was ready to make, I still wasn’t chosen, and a decade later, I still haven’t been chosen, at least not for marriage, the nuclear family.

But in a previous post I told you all that I’ve found a new partner, and that’s true, we’re taking it slow. She’s dealing with a lot and I’m relearning to have confidence in myself.

It’s kind of crazy what avoiding romance and getting a bit fat will do to you, what it will do to your psyche.

But in the immortal words of the rapper Action Bronson: “I might not be able to touch my toes, but I will still fuck these hoes.” Lmao

Moving on from the sad stuff life is good, I’m tremendously grateful and nervously excited about my future. I can also feel that in my stomach, Hope for a better life, a fresh start, a new beginning.

Art is being worked on.

I’m appreciated for what I do and who I am.

I might not have been the one for her but who I am now seems to be fine for everyone else, so I won’t let one love lost get me and further down than it already has.

Everything’s coming up Dan!

And that’s all I have to say.

Maybe I’ll make a list of my favorite games in 2025, just to give me something to do.

Later gators!

Peace, Love, and Coffee Mugs.

Catch you in the next one!

Growing Pains pt.2

I was taking a shower a few minutes ago and I was reconciling with what I think is another lost friend, another lost love.

Chalk it up to growing pains but I stopped myself from “hardening my heart” and considering that eventually, everyone will leave me.

They say “you’re born alone, you die alone” sure, but as we grow up, and grow older, why can’t we do that arm in arm, and grow with love and understanding for one another?

Like my biggest dream is to have a giant party with all of my friends!

And then I think about politics, the situation here in America, while even with populist talking points we still have white supremacy and xenophobia.

I don’t know, maybe the country is cooked?

Maybe this is just not the right time, or place for my lofty ideals.

But I’m still sad.

A lot of things in life are going good for me, I got a girlfriend recently, but this still feels like a rug was pulled out from under me.

And to this person I think I’ve lost, I haven’t confirmed, this person that thinks they know better than people that have studied politics and frequently talk about it. This person that encouraged me to “do my own research.” This person that I told “we’re living in different realities.”

For them to take that sentence, that end of a conversation and then swear me off, what were we?

Was that always the goal?

Is that just what happens when you leave Massachusetts? You pretend or forget that you ever knew anyone there?

What about when you wanted me to visit you? Does that invitation still stand?

I assume it doesn’t.

And I hate that I feel so deeply for things that apparently were only skin deep, superficial.

I told you I loved you and I meant that, in any capacity.

But alas, such is life.

C’est la vie, as they say.

Rhyme Time

What’s up party people in the place to be

it’s ya-boi

the one and only,

Ya Homie D!

I’m rhyming today

Cause I got nothing to say

and my psychosis is ailing me in a crazy way!

Everything else is great

I pay my bills on time

but I’m still trying to figure out how to fit my ex girlfriends name in a rhyme!

And I only say that cause she’s the subject of my madness

I wish I could kick her out of my head like I’d kick a bad habit!

Either way I’m rhyming today

but honestly what else is there to say?

I watch YouTube and twitch

been playing a lot of Pokemon

went on a date, with a chick!

Hoping next time I’ll get my rocks off!

I saw the bbno$ [pronounced:baby no money]

stream with all the cosplay pokemon

and I gotta say I was impressed!

lemme get the phone numbers of ivysaur and farfetch’d 😉

____________________________________________________

Just had to get that out of my system. If you hated it, I challenge you to do better.

Until we meet again!

Update: Pages Neglected

Just a brief update.

I was checking my analytics and I saw that people were going to pages on this website that I’ve been neglecting, like “The Book of Questions” and “Creative Writing”

As far as tboq I just need to make time in the day to go through the book and answer those questions. I literally bring the book with me to work everyday.

And creative writing might not get updated for a while. Those are like, rough drafts but I am working on a new comic that I hope will come out in the next few years. I just need to get the money together to pay my illustrator!

That’s all for now.

I made the post on Tuesday

What’s up party people on the place to be!?

Yesterday was my birthday.

I went to work.

I really wasn’t thinking about celebrating my birthday this year, and when I did, I didn’t realize I still had a few more days of paid time off left to make my birthday into a long weekend. Still, it was a good day, many hugs and “happy birthdays” from the people I was surrounded by.

What’s new? Well, I don’t know how many of you are following my journey regarding psychosis and the uncontrollable yearning thoughts and desires for my erstwhile lover on the blog “X” but I think I’m turning a corner, turning over a new leaf.

And by that I mean I was able to ask for a girls number recently, and this weekend, I have a date!

Just like I force myself to be social, regardless of my mental health condition, I got that same funny feeling of when you like someone and your heart is in your throat, or where ever it goes for any of you, and I’m consciously trying to move on.

I think before I was just, passive about what I was looking for, and who I was looking for, but now it’s definitely a deliberate act, because I don’t want to stay stuck in the past, and I don’t intend to, either.

So there’s that.

I also got mildly back into reading Tarot cards. It’s not like, I’m doing spreads for every aspect of my life, but once in a while, if I’m curious, I’ll pull one card, just to get a general forecast/prediction. It also reminds me that I have to rebuild my writing system, based on tarot cards, and maybe I’ll put it up for sale on this site once it’s complete. Who knows.

Plenty of video games I’m starting to play and finish.

Still ding the school thing just going slower than I wanted to but that degree will happen, so help me God.

Anyway, for the first time in a while I’m excited about the future, and it really feels like I’m celebrating my birthday all month long because I have like an event planned for every weekend!

Maybe I’ll see one of you readers out there? ;)

Peace out girl and boy scouts!

Comparison: The Thief of Joy

Last night, after a few beers and way too many ZYN’s I sat at the dining room table and said:

“I feel pathetic.”

I went on a bit of a rant, quietly, talking to myself about all the ways I haven’t measured up to people that are, for the most part, no longer in my life. As if had I kept up with the Jones’s, I would’ve held on to these friends.

I don’t know if that’s true, and as I type this I my mothers words come to mind: “There are people in your life for reasons, and seasons.”

Life is good.

But somehow I get stuck on people that are gone, people that don’t like me, people that I've been excommunicated from.

I wonder if there’s something, fundamentally wrong with me, and I’m ignoring everyone I KNOW I bring joy to by existing.

While I can logically put this down, while I can say coldly “just keep moving” emotionally, like with my ex, when the voices come on, I feel stuck.

Like if this is “grief” it has cut a deep wound in my soul.

Given that there is nothing I can really do about it, I repeat the same mantra, maybe with different words, like “put one foot in front of the other,” but I sometimes think life would be fuller and brighter and have more joy if I still had these erstwhile loves.

Alas.

The Duality of Dan

What’s up party people in the place to be!?

YA BOI IS STRUGGLING!!!

So everyone knows 'I’m “crazy” blah blah “ex gf from Norway” blah blah “is also fat now” but recently I’ve been hearing the voices and also having little breakthroughs.

Like I get further and further away from “loving my ex” yet I can’t control when these feelings or voices come on.

I honestly feel like two different minds in one body, and one is trying to hijack the other.

Because let’s face it, the last time me and this girl were on good terms was the year of our lord 2009, It’s been 16 years, a DECADE and a half! I have all the logical reasons why it won’t work and, and frankly will never work out again but somehow this little man in the back or the side of my mind wants me to “keep the faith.” To “Hold on loosely, but don’t let go.” But if I have a .38 Special I’d blow my fucking head off. I hate this shit just as much as you hate seeing me write about it or go through it.

I think this onslaught of psychosis recently came on because I forgot to take my medication a few nights in a row, so I’m dealing with the consequences of that. To prevent that from happening in the future I might get one of those pill boxes that have the days of the week on them and just fill that up, muy bien. Haven’t pulled the trigger on that though, ya’boi is living paycheck to paycheck, which should end soon, I’m just working on saving some money and it’s killing my disposable income.

School starts tomorrow, and I’ve been taking Japanese Lessons privately (just remembered I have to do the homework for that) but besides yearning for a love I fear I’ll never have, life is good, and I think I’m becoming a positive pillar of the communities I give my time to.

I’m hoping the year will end with even better news!

See you in the next one honeybun!