Critical Thinking Skills

I feel like I don’t have critical thinking skills.

I feel like I’ve been trained to be obedient, listen to authority and always take things at face value and don’t inquire any further.

What’s up party people in the place to be, I’m going through a lot right now.

My X’s birthday is August 4th, the X I go on and on about anyway.

Up until a few days ago my psychosis was taking me on a wild ride, with no end in sight. Now I have a window of clarity and I feel like “no, I don’t love her” but maybe what’s closer to this feeling is like a marriage out of its honeymoon phase, and now you have the oxytocin out of your brain and this person is still in your house.

Except my brain is “our house,” if that makes sense.

I mean I chalk it all up to madness, and if she’s just as crazy as I am or, crazier, maybe we’ll have a relationship again, in any capacity, but I wouldn’t bet on that.

From what I remember about her, when she makes a decision on something, it’s final, and at present her decision is to have a life that has nothing to do with me.

Logically, I can see, understand, and accept that.

But psychosis isn’t logical.

My feelings when I have psychosis isn’t logical.

And even if I can separate myself when I’m in the window of clarity and going insane, I still feel and think very real things.

Like if we got together again of course I’d try to make it work, but is it a one way relationship?

Does she show up just to show me why it would never work and I feel worse than I already do?

Double it and give it to the next guy, please and thank you.

But what if I’m out of my psychotic honeymoon episode, and I have a lack of love when I’m not going crazy? Do we just cross that bridge when we get there? Is there anyway I could avoid that future too?

I don’t know, and maybe I never will, but it’s hard to deal with.

I want to say I love her, I know I have loved her, in the past, but currently, I suppose I don’t know what I feel.

I’m not angry at her, I’m more angry at myself, but I feel kind of sad, a numb kind of sad, and it’s like pushing a big rock through deep mud, I’m tired and messy.

Anyway, I should try to get some sleep.

Sorry for the less than spectacular life update, but if I’m anything, I’m real.

Peace love and coffee mugs ladies and gentlemen.