Just typing to type here don’t mind me.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me.
I mean your birthday comes up and all of a sudden I’m suffering for two months.
I mean yeah, it makes sense that I’d think of you on your birthday. That’s what I memorized, I wanted to be there on birthdays, and all holidays, if I could, that makes sense, but making sense is not enough to rid me of my madness.
I’m split into two or more people.
I try to make my feelings small in my mind, cut off the thoughts, disregard the voices but still, if I don’t do anything, if I bottle up how I feel, I think I’d start taking my frustration out on the people around me.
At least that’s what I was like when I was a teenager, 13.
And my life, it isn’t perfect, but it’s beautiful.
I have been blessed, in many ways, and even in the way that I think I learned to love, that I love(d) you.
It doesn’t make sense to continue loving you, with all the nasty things you’ve said to me, and (for your own safety) sending me to jail, but every time I try to throw away these emotions, to drown them in misery, to strangle them knowing I should pursue someone else, they come back. Like a horror movie, but it isn’t that dramatic.
I love feeling love, I love the happy feeling these thoughts bring me, they are in fact, easing from time to time, but isn’t it bittersweet to love someone that doesn’t love you back?
And how do I go on explaining this to “the next girl” that I’ve effectively made a public shrine to you that anyone can see if they peer deep enough into my blog, into my life.
It’s sickening, and I think maybe I should just make this blog private, so no one can see, but I can already see the questions:
“What’s on that private page?”
“What do you have there?”
I’m not attempting to lead a double life.
Being with me would also mean being with my burden, and that’s true for anyone, but I do think this blog halts progress, in the sense that, someone interested in me finds it, reads it, gets upset and decides I’m not worth the effort.
Sweet Aphrodite, grant me the love that will move me beyond this burden, find me a love that thinks I am worth the effort.
In Jesus name.
Namu Amids Butsu.