They say you’re “Miss Piggy” now, whatever that means.
I saw Maren on LinkedIn, I have no reason to add her to my connections but I thought about it. Even just for a bit, even to just explain myself, to apologize, tell her that I’m taking medication now, “sorry for the harassment” etc…
They say you felt so stupid you decided to stop speaking english.
That you’re just racist.
I think I just forgot to take my crazy pills today, so just now I took two.
I’m focusing on me, ya’know, self-improvement.
Trying to lose all the weight.
Build muscle.
Eat better.
I got lucky that I can get through a bachelors degree, so I’m doing it now.
I think about how far I’ve come without you, without anyone supporting me.
I think about how far I’ll go.
I think maybe one day, when I’m your “famous nightmare” all of the ugliness will come out, I’ll have to defend myself on camera, say I was a “different person back then” and announce my run for President or something.
I don’t know, I still go on with my “illusive ranting” as you called it back in what, 2013? It’s been 11 years since THEN, and I still think about you.
I’m still haunted by you.
I’m sure if you could control this, you’d be so insignificant a fly would occupy my mind more than the thought of you.
But you can’t, and neither can I.
2:46AM
They’re saying you had sex with a police officer at some point in that New York hostel.
I want to just talk to you and clear up my madness, I don’t even know if it will make it stop, if you’d lie to me, what I should even believe or if it even matters, but I know you’ll give me no quarter, won’t hear me out, won’t hear my side, won’t offer an olive branch, understanding, compassion, love.
None of that exists in you for me.
I get that, I really do, but why can’t I stop this yearning?
Logically it all makes sense.
I was 19 when I dated you, I’m 35 now.
Logically that’s the only sentence I have to say for it to all make sense, but when they hits start hitting, when I can’t roll with the punches, I just want to goddamn talk.
I don’t want to rekindle an old flame.
I don’t want to confess my love.
I don’t want to get you to fall for me again.
I don’t want to start over.
I just want to clear my head.
Clear the air.
That’s it.