I know I wrote a lot last night…
You wouldn’t give up a good life with a good job and a wonderful husband to be with a just above broke black guy living paycheck to paycheck in a country falling faster and faster in a tailspin of fascism.
Beyond that, I don’t think the tap water here is as good as it is over in your neck of the woods.
This isn’t a “depressive episode” as in one of the symptoms I could suffer from because of my disorder.
I just have to pull it together.
I’m being played like a fiddle by my own brain, my own mind, it’s in my body, I was born with it, it’s not like I can swap it for another one and yet, it betrays me.
Chalk it all up to the madness, but the voices said something earlier tonight, something along the lines of “an example of being in control of your reality.”
Because I know other people, a person, with my condition, if not worse, that’s decided to live on disability insurance, yet here I am, busting my butt and putting one foot in front of the other to make ends meet.
In a way, it’s admirable, but it would be so much easier to just stay in an institution for the rest of my life. So much easier to just completely conform to insanity, by another ticket to Norway and do no good for anyone.
I won’t.
I think I’m better than that.
I think I’m beyond that.
And more than anything I don’t want to cause you any more harm or stress.
But I think this love I have for you, I have for you more than anyone else.
Which is a painful truth to admit.
I will go on.
I will survive.
And maybe someone will replace you.
Maybe.
But with all the themes and the media I see, I doubt it.
It was just a one of a kind love, a special moment in time, ephemeral, and unique.
People meet all the time via the internet nowadays, sure, but they didn’t have what we had.
No one else could.
Take care.
I’m not done blogging, I’ll be back in one of my fugue states, but still,
Take care.