I’m being reminded of that night at the inn in New York when your father called you over to him, and you did, something, and brushed your teeth after.
My back was turned, so I can’t say I saw everything, but I peeked a little, and what I saw or thought I saw, I won’t repeat.
In my mind, you your doing something with the spare ribs we got from the restaurant, and after that we went and did our thing at the park.
Voices have been more vocal today, saying things like “She’s too stupid to know how to move to the United States” but also that you’re fully aware that I wouldn’t ask you to be in the USA with the current administration. I’ve said it in the past and the sentiment still stands.
For you to come back into my life in any capacity however, is a decision you have to make, and as I review my campaign of harassment, having been some digital menace, I don’t blame you for wanting to avoid anything to do with me.
I’ve had more than enough time to sit and think about it, albeit, some of that time I couldn’t necessary call some of my thoughts my own, but still, I’ve rounded a corner and I feel like I’m coming to the end of my delusions. Not to say that’s the end of my hallucinations, my psychosis, just the end of me thinking that the side of me that still has warm and fuzzy feelings for you, that side is no longer dominating the mind that I have left in my own control.
I want to move on, I want a serious relationship, I want love, I want whatever life, God, The Universe, has to throw my way. As I sit typing, thinking my addiction to caffeine is going to give me a heart attack, I know or at least, I’m more confident in the direction I want to go in life.
I mourn our relationship from time to time, but I suppose I hope you can forgive me.
If not, I suppose I’ll carry my cross.