Been thinking or hallucinating about you all day. Compared to yesterday sometimes it’s nice, but I wish it wasn’t so. Well, I wish for more than hallucinations. This is what I wrote on Twitter today:
I had a bit of an episode last night so I’m thinking about my ex but while I’m thinking about her, I want to say if she came back into my life I hope she’d be kind, and patient. I don’t know how she changed from a teenager to now but that’d be my hope. I’m broken up, need healing
And while I have a brief window of “reality”: I know it’s highly unlikely, if not impossible for my ex to come back into my life, in any capacity, but if I’m allowed to be delusional, and she finds some affection for me, I just hope she’d be kind.
I loved everything about her. I wanted to marry her. She was so beautiful. I still remember her weight on top of me, the feeling of being in her arms, the contrast of our lips when we first kissed. Surely, that was love, right? And then, as soon as it arrived, it was gone.
It just lives in me now, and while I make my way through life swearing myself to celibacy, every now and again I have a touch of “love madness “ and remember her name.
I have to choke down my thoughts and feelings. Tell myself that the man she’s with is her forever lover, that’s why they have a family, it was in the cards, written in the stars. Or else I’d regret falling on my old ways and sending tweets to the prime minister