That I was a stand in for someone else, that was supposed to be murdered by your brother, to inspire his black metal, while you were performing fellatio on your father.
If you were even related to any of those people.
but I survived and now I’m just being tortured by my memories.
Is that what I’m supposed to believe now?
The voices just say you’re fucking retarded and perform sexual favors for some form or no compensation.
Honest to god it’s your body, your life, your choice ultimately.
I just wish I would stop hearing about it.
I tweeted at her once. The voices now say when she “turns you up” you just shit and pee.
My mind these last two weeks has been nothing but violence. All kinds of violence, suicide, rape, and I’m fucking bored of it.
It’s not a matter of wishing we could talk (that’s to the voices) but rather just clearing the air, killing the elephant in the room.
And while I watch shadows of you avoid me constantly, walking by like any other stranger, it only reinforces that you do not want me. You don’t desire me, we won’t be together.
I get it, logically it all makes perfect fucking sense.
You considering what I call “reaching out” “harassment”
You returned my packages and money, save that tablet/laptop.
I understand if you’re afraid or feel unsafe, even when I was going to therapy my therapist noted that you might be deathly afraid, showing empathy for you.
I can use all the logic in the world’s best super computer but these thoughts won’t stop.
My doctor told me not to double the dose of medication on my own, so I’m still complying with her orders, but the voices don’t stop.
Of course, I’m not emailing you, I’m not emailing the Norwegian Royal Court, I’m not tweeting at your prime minister.
I am effectively less “mad” (insane) than I’ve been in the past.
But this shit just won’t fucking stop.
Voices want me to believe you just got off the train at south station.
Earlier this morning they told me you committed suicide.
The girl I saw had similar features, but I was too far away, on the other side of the car.
And I have to think, even if you were on the train, if you aren’t reaching out to me, you don’t want me.
That’s fine.
You slit your throat.
You’d never let me know what’s going on.
Rest in Peace.
Every time I post
Tweet
or if I’m so inclined
Send an e-mail
Fuck, even when I play video games
as if there’s nothing I can do to alleviate my condition.
I don’t care that these people die from such minuscule activities
they weren’t committed to life
they didn’t want to live either way
Voices telling me your dad figured out the position of that day.
I don’t know why.
I don’t know if he was doing it with someone else.
All they say is that he wanted to one-up me.
Well I hope he’s happy, andI hope this stops.
Voices are trying to make me think the person that just called was someone you know, someone demanding a blowjob from you.
Then a police officers appears and arrests them or something.
IDK
The voices are going on and on about death, saying you’d have shot me in the head, saying other people are literally out to get me, to have me killed.
It’s like they forget that time when they “shot me in the head”
or that other time when I was attacked by a “Demon” from “Shin Megami Tensei IV”
I can’t keep caring about this.
It’s hard enough to keep writing about this.
Apparently you don’t like to travel, can’t be on a boat or an airplane because Steinar ruined it all for you by doing various devious deeds, sexual or otherwise.
I don’t know what else to say, you’ll just have to get over that eventually I suppose.
Okay, I’m not asking you to.
I’m not trying to persuade you to.
I’m not going to force you to.
All I wanted was to clear my head of these maddening accusations.
I can’t do that either.
Voices says Mike Destroyed any chance of us, reunion? Talking? Celebrating?
I left the name vague on purpose.
If I “turned all the way up”
I do not know what that is
According to the voices I cannot do that alone/by myself
I am just annoyed
I’ve reached out to you multiple times
In multiple ways
On multiple occasions.
I have all the written and logical reasons as to why we are not communicating with each other right now
But it feels like even my medication doesn’t stop this madness
I have written a letter to my doctor about taking double my dose, I’m waiting for her response
If you want to fuck her that fucking badly, just get out of my fucking head.
I ALREADY FUCKING DO
I’VE BEEN ALONE BEFORE
IF I HAVE TO BE ALONE FOREVER
THEN I WILL BE
I DONT GIVE A FUCK
BECAUSE I DO GIVE A FUCK
END OF FUCKING STORY
You already told me that.
I saved that e-mail, about you know what, lets just show everybody what you’ve said to me:
“I listened to the voice message you left. Please do not come.
Please.
It can only make things worse for everyone, and it would be an aboslutely vicious thing for you to do.
We met twice when I was a teenager, and a decade later you are still severely harassing and stalking me. I therefore find it hard to comprehend that you get upset that I do not want to talk to you. You are obviously not the victim here. If you can promise me in a convincing way that you will never under any circumstance travel to Norway, I can agree to either one phone conversation, or reading and responding to one email. Since I have blocked your number, I will need a written response to this before we could talk, if you want to take the deal.
This should go without saying, but if you do travel here, I will of course not speak to you.”
SO NOW EVERYONE IN MY FUCKING HEAD CAN BE AWARE.
This is the first e-mail in a chain of back and fourths so I fucking get it, I really do, but that doesn’t stop these goddamn voices.
For your husband.
Fantastic.
When will this stop?
“Don’t ever be Dan Fairclough and ‘X’ Dan would be being faithful to a whore.”
Apparently, when you got back to Norway, and you were “working at the hotel” I.e. prostitution,
A person from my childhood church went to go see you, and you gave him a blowjob.
I can’t confirm these details but this is just what the voices tell me.
I don’t know why they’re telling me, but they’re telling me.