Weed Weed

Voices in my head are talking about the weed I found that doesn’t give paranoia or anxiety.

Idk why, but I did just smoke it, twice today.

Normally (when I’m not drunk) it just puts me to sleep, but shit shit is Chris Brown now so I’m not certain it’s still potent, although I kept it in its bag.

The only way to find out is to just get more, if that’s even possible.

I check strains for anti-paranoia and anxiety on Leafly.com

And then I check what Strains are listed at local dispensaries.

I don’t know why I’m telling you this, or at least writing this here, thinking you’ll read it, all I know is that that is what I do and that’s what I’m doing, I guess.

Adventure Time

I can explain the cacophony of emotions I’m feeling and simultaneously trying to ignore.

Words, memories, feelings are constantly flooding my mind and I’m uncertain that a portion of them are even my own.

The show “Adventure Time” is playing in the background as I type, hence the title.

You could call it my “comfort show” but I’d also like to own “Regular Show” as well.

It’s hard to focus.

It’s hard to think.

I talk to myself.

I find my breathing irregular.

What can I do to alleviate my symptoms?

What I want the most is to talk to you, but for whatever reason that’s and impossibility.

So what?

Pursue other women while you occupy 75% or more of my mind?

Like I’ve said in the past, that’s unfair to the third party.

The other woman.

What the fuck else is there?!

The circle block I the square hole.

Hoping someone comes along to save me from myself.

I hate this.

Kids Across America

So the last day of the camp the voices say you gave people handjobs at the pool.

And the first day of the camp you were being raped by some radio man and someone left the girls cabin to tell me to say your name.

My memory of this time is hazy, and this is really hard to believe.

All I know is I couldn’t go into the pool on doctors orders, I had a toe infection so I watched on the hill by the shore.

Still, I was blogging on xanga (Authentic_Black_Dragon) long before this trip.

It doesn’t add up.

It’s like this life, meeting you, was all planned to begin with, by the church, and I’m not certain I want to believe that.

Pussy Whipped

I’ll unfollow the heauxs on social media if you’re gonna be with me for the rest of my life, that’s no problem.

But I’m not going to listen to disembodied voices telling me false promises first to get me to do it, fuck no.

I’m out here loving these women, you ain’t around, you don’t matter.

At least not right now.

More Sexual Violence

Voices are saying you were raped every night when you were in Boston.

We were broken up so I wouldn’t construe it as you cheating on me, they say.

This is Steinar level, they say.

I don’t know what to do with this information.

Edit:

Now they’re saying it was the other girl, and it was consensual.

Make it make sense. Please.

Inn in NY

Voices are talking about the time I met your “family” again.

Something about you giving your dad a blowjob before we walked out of the room.

From what I recall, I turned around for a second to see a Chinese food box, and what did he do? Open it from the bottom and stick his cock inside of it?

I also saw you brush your teeth and spit.

And, these thoughts are fucking disturbing my guy, what the fuck do I do about this? Talking about it doesn’t make it stop.

They also say Howard would’ve stabbed me if I turned all the way around to ask what was taking so long.

Idk.

Something about you being fake as fuck in Boston, wanted to date the root beer boy and act like and ape and kill yourself instead of me.

Where do I go from here, honestly.

I’m just putting one foot in front of the other.

Opioids

Voices say because I’m the inspiration you have to do as I do, which would explain when they say “you don’t want to know more.”

So I guess I shouldn’t say anything else, for your benefit, but it’s hard living for two people.

Newsflash

Apparently you’re in a cult

And you signed a contract with an NDA (non-disclosure agreement) barring you from saying anything to me

Moar Voices

They say: “She won’t stay sentient, she’ll become whatever you want her to!”

and I think “my wife, my life partner”

I don’t remember much of the last few moments, I’ve been letting it fade in and out.

Something about my medication being opiates, being one of the first things I Was prescribed and eventually fell back to.

That I would’ve been raped had I kept taking Ativan, Gordon, Cogentin and Prolixin by that lady at the group therapy class.

All these old moments and memories, flashing in and out.

3 Weeks of Overnight

If the voices weren’t enough I’m seeing you everywhere again.

I feel like I’m devolving back to the time when I would chase after women that had slightly similar features.

It’s bad, but not that bad, at least not yet.

I’ve been losing sleep.

I’ve been ignoring signs from other women, so say the voices.

I honestly don’t know what to do about this, I just write and write and write and write, hoping it will absolve me of my issues but lo’and behold, I’m right back to loving you.

It feels empty however, this time.

Yes I know the emotions are there but there’s no one to accept it.

Just the void.

This white background void.

Revenge of the E-mail(s)

Voices are talking about the time some guy at the hostel took your laptop, and you “would have” given him a blowjob to get it back.

They’re also saying “that’s not all” and you had sex with someone or something like that.

I know we discussed something along these lines on again, MSN Messenger that night or the night after but my memory is hazy.

I’m not holding it against you. (The only thing I want to hold against you is this dick 🥴)

I get it, I understand, whatever, I can’t change the past.

Hold it firmly wherever it is in your chest, prove to me you love me back

blah blah blah.

I don’t have the words anymore for infidelity, I’m just so emotionally drained.

EDIT:

voices say he ejaculated on your feet