Rant

I don’t know how I’m supposed to love you, how I’m supposed to trust again.

This goes beyond you, as at present I feel as if I’d be more comfortable being alone with my thoughts and the ebb and flow of my feelings.

I’m hearing, seeing, experiencing all of these conflicts inside and yet somehow, outside of myself.

Angst isn’t a strong enough word to describe the internal turmoil.

And I love the word angst, it’s a good word.

Anyway, this is more for me than it is for you, I just think right now it’s unfair to claim I love anyone, given all that I’ve said and done.

And yeah, no relationship can stay in the honeymoon/puppy love phase forever, but I wish I could’ve reeled in my insanity sooner.

I wish I wasn’t so impulsive.

I wish I was never arrested.

But I don’t think it would’ve been any better had I “surprised” you with a visit.

For your safety you deserved to know.

If we were on good terms and I was regularly visiting you would know.

But here come the voices, droning on and on about how the world is “turned up” and who you’d cheat on me with.

How everything I’ve been taught to know and love is a lie.

How I’m the “slow” one, the Gleeborp…

Fuck this.

Not you talking

Voices say it’s not you talking or putting these thoughts in my head but instead I’m responding to people in Boston…

Possession

You want to be anyone that loves me so you can possess them, make them take a crap and try to force me to eat it. Okay.

Odin’s Nokia

His wish is to get the family back together, but why? It feels like there’s an ulterior motive to this…

My Blue Phone

Voices say you took it out of my pocket and shoved it up your cooter cause that’s what Steinar wanted and gave it to the other kids that were at the top of the commons with us?

Edit:

And you blew a kiss at them….

One eye

Voices say you only have one eye

Edit:

apparently in some old blog I wrote about sticking a dick in the eyeball socket. But I know now, and maybe then as well it leads to severe nerve damage and infection. There’s no way I’m doing that. Especially not to you.

BOOTY EATING

BART.

I don’t want to do anything anymore.

Voices say you don’t even like me, but I’m “getting what I want”

the fuck is that supposed to even mean?!

Can’t chalk this up as good or bad.

Peace and Quiet would be ideal, but here I go, having to gear myself up for a relationship or some shit.

I don’t know what to say or do.

EDIT:

Cheated on Howard with Bart (Pop in Law) but it was radio stylized after me and that night in Athol after the pool… wowzers

EDIT:

LOOK I DONT NEED THE DETAILS OF ALL THIS SHIT UNLESS YOURE GONNA LET ME DO IT TOO.

PTSD

A.W. Root Beer is trying to give you PTSD voices say, about specifically whatever happened in Argentina.

I’m not gonna write out the details or anything, if you want to forget you can.

It’s not my business, not my battle to fight.

Brain Blast

Voices say when you don’t want to talk to people you take off your clothing and sit naked at your desk.

Poop Eating Neo Nazi

Voices keep saying you eat your poop, and have added on to that, that you’re a Neo Nazi.

I’m sure I sent an email about this before.

Anticipation

Voices are saying you’re anticipating my blog entries now.

They’re also saying in high school you would sit in the back of class and give folks blowjobs.

They’re also saying you already wrote a reply to this blog before I wrote it, well played.

Where the world revolves

Something about the current President of Argentina, gave him head or something idk.

Voices just make it sound like the world revolves around me and my problems alone, which I know isn’t true but I can see how easily it would be to be wrapped up in thoughts like that.

Nokshuz

Behind me, walking in the NY streets when I was trailing that person, he got a handjob and busted mad quick. He felt fake. Radio powers.

The Indian, voices say you wanted to be Indian, threw shit in the other girls face, stole her ticket. Something like that.

In both scenarios we aren’t an item, but it does begin to rumble, jostle what’s left of any emotion still brightly burning inside of me.

I do not know what to do.