Australia, again, 3.5

Voices are saying the Australian boy put a Huntsman Spider on your chest and that’s why you got a breast reduction.

I know those spiders can get pretty big.

Edit:

So this is why a girl from Australia can look like you-

Prison Island

I wish my thoughts weren’t “gee I wonder if the prisoners have sex with each other”

hate this…

Yahomied and London

Voices are telling me some tragic story about you having a child in London and abandoning it, and I suppose you got your tit reduction (girl on the train) so you wouldn’t be able to send it milk? The child is growing up on formula?

voices say “be yahomied and be with someone else” But all I’m waiting for is some confirmation.

I can move on, I’ve been trying to, but it’s much much harder with everyday reminders of you, do you understand?

Voices say you do but you have the capacity to be “unfaithful” and I suppose, more so than I do.

Whatever.

“Trust”

Voices in my head say you paid for your tattoos by having sex with the tattoo artist.

Honestly, that has little to do with me, but this goes back to the “trust” issue I was ranting about so often in my early e-mails.

(Voices just said it’s the opposite)

Still, do I want to be with someone that I have to keep a stern vigil over? Someone that always makes me want to look over my shoulder? Someone I can’t turn my back on and must always keep a watchful gaze?

What kind of relationship is that for either party?

Monster

There was one night during the time between sleep and wake for me when a female voice said:

“I will never be a Fairclough, I am a monster.”

I’m reflecting on that now…

I’m not anticipating a redemption arc or anything, just what I asked for when I was losing my mind.

Of course, if you were stabbed just now, like the voices say, it’s up to you to keep running away, becoming “a whore in Sweden” or whatever it is you wish.

I know I don’t control you.

Or puppeteer you.

I’m asking for this dialogue, for closure for myself.

It’s an odd thing, to love a murderer, potential or actualized, but I’m no stranger to mediating on death myself, thus, the martial arts.

And yet, but still, there are infinite and myriad things you could have done since/after our breakup so that said female voice would give you that title…

Maybe, you’ll become a character in the game franchise “Monster Hunter” and I’ll get my catharsis that way.

Edit: Voices are implying you’re screaming at the top of your lungs “you don’t know what I’m like!!!”

I know.

If we were to start any kind of relationship in any capacity we’d be starting over.

I feel like I’m the same person in some ways but I recognize that I too have changed.

Again, I’m trying to more forward, beyond you, beyond “us” from so many eons ago, but I won’t deny myself either.

I wish I wasn’t at an impasse, a stand still.

I don’t want to hurt anyone, past or present, I’m doing my best to keep the hurting to myself, but here I am, pouring my heart into pixels hoping that someone, anyone can open our/my collective eyes.

“Kill Herself”

Voices say if you came to Boston you would “kill yourself.”

But it just dawned on me that there may be people here, pretending to be you, and by kill yourself you mean kill them. Murder.

And the other person won’t go back home to Norway because she’s “scared of who she is” which means she’s scared of you…

Edit: So I’ll be waiting for a mighty long time I guess is the case. I’m fine with that. Gives me time to sculpt my body into the shape I want, the shape I think is worthy for a lover.

I suppose now the voices are here because they think I’m party to the plot.

You could not be more incorrect.

But it’s her life.

She can live it.

✌️

"Can you just not update it?"

Can you get out of my head?

Voices say I destroyed your relationship.

They also say thats what you wanted.

All of this was preventable.

I feel like I’m not even in control of anything, although that’s changed a bit as well.

We all gotta eat, at the end of the day.

Today has been a day of minimal voices.

Yeah, I can get by not thinking about you, or not wanting or needing to update as long as I am existing “outside” of the “madness.”

Sure.

But they say because I’m not thinking about it, that gives you the opportunity to cheat on me, if we were in a relationship.

And we aren’t, you can do what you want, I feel how I feel about relationships right now, bygones go by.

Still, certainly I would update less frequently if more days were like this.

But once in a while I’d think about you.

You birthday is coming up.

I know I’d write something around then.

Also, voices say you changed your birthday.

Idk if thats true, but still.

Peacock Feather

Voices are telling me you would’ve gave one of those random guys at the top of the commons a blow job, I was there, I didn’t pick up on that.

They’re saying you blew on that feather before he gave it to you. I don’t remember that, but that act was the “blowjob.”

Ya’know…

This is tough.

I’d like it to just be me and the good memories I have of us, and that’s all, but the voices have a hold on me, some days stronger than others.

I know, I can become, apathetic, callous, jaded, indifferent and say “I can’t change the past”

“Her body her choice”

Etc etc

But it doesn’t make it hurt less.

And, when I say that, it doesn’t hurt as much as it did when this first started.

I’m not as confused,

I can take refuge in the girl I knew, the girl/woman I think you are,

But I also don’t want to live in the past.

I can’t compare some new, 30-something year old woman, you or another, to who we were at the springtime of our youth.

I’ve said in the past that I should just expect to be cheated on in my next relationship.

My therapist said I should be more hopeful, because I deserve to be respected, and loved the way I think love should work.

But honestly this whole shit has goddamn tanked my self esteem.

Maybe not tanked but I’ve been taken down a few pegs.

I’m strong sure but I want to be in shape.

I want to make more money.

Not necessarily have a car but maybe my own place. Living with my brother isn’t bad at all, I love it, rent is alright, and I know a new place would easily be double what I have to pay, even triple if we can get this whole thing figured out, but he’s said in the past that it’d be crapped living with a 3rd person, and he doesn’t live here with his girlfriend that he has now, albeit it’s still early in the relationship, but he could if he wanted to.

I don’t know, I’m just, doing a lot of soul searching again.

Internalizing everything.

Wondering if I’m in the right path.

I’m not “harassing” you anymore but I still want to talk.

I want to see you.

I want to kiss.

More than anything sometimes I just want you in my arms. Thinking about it brings me a comforting feeling, feelings that I have to shed because my reality isn’t in my head.

It’s my job.

It’s school work.

It’s the bills.

I know I’ve climbed the mountain of suicidal ideation and made it out remotely unscathed but it rears its ugly head from time to time but I’m reminded that I have family, and extended family that love me more than I’m currently loving myself right now, and not saying I’m living for them but I dont want to make their lives any worse with my death.

I’ve settled on living for a long, not a good time.

Voices are saying this blog is too long for you to read now.

That’s fine.

I don’t believe when they say you’ve read everything else.

Time will tell.

I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can’t.

Forward is the only way to go.

Take care.

Be well.

❤️

Drum Set

If Howard is still banging on that drum set, after all these years, and Norwegians kind of “pride themselves” on basically being able to move on to different hobbies, does that mean he’s in love with you?

He’s still “banging his sister..?”

I got the idea that Norwegians move on from hobby/interest to interest via a commercial that was playing a lot when I was in prison, and the voices now say your “brother” has autism.

So he’s autistic and incestuous? Autistic in the idea that “Black Metal” is his hyper-fixation, common with autistic people in their interests…

Anyway…