A Pipe Dream

Talking to a desperate tiger, asking them if love and marriage is still a goal for them.

I can’t even answer that question myself, confidently.

I mean yes I do.

But no, no I don’t.

Whore

Voices just keep saying you’re a “hoe” and then bringing up these past instances where you were selling or bartering with your body and everybody but me was getting a piece.

Like I’m not here to debate whether it’s true or not but I hustle want to say from the shallowest part of my heart, I wish I was there in the room while you were doing those things with someone else.

I really don’t care if you’re fast and loose, give me some too! Damn!

Like that tiktok said

“Ho + Me is a home and I’m trying to build.”

Ape

Voices kept saying “if she stayed with you she would’ve been an ape!” And then I thought it was in reference to the Danish slur “fjelabe” but the google AI search results said it was a slur for Greenlanders for a second before switching back to Norwegians and I thought briefly “does Norway mandate the rite to remove any and all information from the internet about its people and or culture?”

I didn’t look it up, or get a screenshot of the Greenland search results but I’m putting this one here.

Ruins my mood

I’ll survive the voices, but hearing about you truly ruins my mood.

Voices are saying at the Boston Hostel, you sucked dick every night, but then there’s a voice that interjects and says you were raped.

Voices say you did all of these things but “wouldn’t want to be a slut to my face.”

What I get from this is that they’re arguing that everything was your fault and somehow it wasn’t.

I remember the story you told me about the guys that stole your laptop. I guess they want me to not trust that alibi.

The voices say you feel shame.

Either way, I can’t change the past, I’ve admitted as much, but every time you come up, outside of my control, my mood worsens.

I took the day off of work tomorrow. Monday is my birthday and as a present to myself, I’m going to a concert.

Next week a rave, Octoberfest, and the week after that, who knows.

I have something planned for almost every week of this month.

I bring that up to make myself feel better.

Naming “The Horrors”

If you read those Google documents many moons ago you’d already know what I’m referring to, but for anyone else seeing this for the first time I’d like to inform them.

“The Horrors” I go on about hearing are voices that say my erstwhile love was raped, desires to be raped, performs incest, is mutilated, waits for me to commit suicide so she can die herself, or consumes feces, among other things. This is consistently what I hear and has been repeated for a while.

While walking to South Station from work I heard a voice say “I want to be raped! I don’t want to feel!”

And before I could feel any greater hostility towards the ghosts in my mind, this wonderful song started playing, and took me to a new world.

I find it funny that the title is “Love All.” I’m not sure the band knew what a tall order that would be, but it’s fitting, because I don’t want to be constantly submerged in fear, anger and paranoia. I want to love too!

The song has no lyrics, it’s all instrumental, but it’s my new favorite ❤️

4:45 Poetry that isn’t here

I follow porn on Twitter. I’m single, it’s allowed, but I was scrolling and one of the account posted a disturbing video.

It was so much porn as it was a woman being raped, and the comments under the video suggested the same thing.

It was vile, and before I knew it, I blocked the account and tried to forget about it. Curiosity got the best of me so I tried to find it again and watch it, only to realize I was not going to sift through the other 259 accounts to disturb my psyche.

What I saw wasn’t erotic. It didn’t even seem like “consensual non-consent.” It was a woman, performing a blowjob on multiple men before she started attacking one of them. He overpowered her and the rape began.

The voices, chimed in as usual and made… “comparisons” and I thought back to my past and how I harassed you with porn. I thought back to that person and I put my hands in the air and said “you need to stop, you’ve done enough.”

I want to move on, I want to move forward, I know that in my head and in my heart, even though I’m back here writing this.

I don’t understand how anyone could rape someone. I mean, I’ve had situations where I was aroused and alone with a woman that wanted nothing to do with me and I always found a way to avoid pressuring her or forcing myself upon her. I’d say “it made me sick to my stomach” but I’m from the fringe group of terminally online people that watched the entire “2 girls 1 cup” video, but still, this new video did its damage.

I’m not here to say anything I haven’t said before. Love, apologies, the moon and the stars in the sky, everything for you and your peace, even if it is without me, but also, I have to take stock in my own life.

My life is good if not getting better.

I’ve weathered the storm of mental illness and I feel like going forward I’ll do more work to right my wrongs, and do justice.

I do wish you were my companion in any respect, even a long distance pen pal, but I can’t make you see what you turn away from, and I don’t intend to try and force you, either.

Nothing.

I don’t need to hear anything about you.

The voices went from telling me we’ll get back together to how you don’t like me and you’ll never again set foot in my city.

All of which I already knew, but instead of having to drag my yearning heart out of day dreams and “la la land” I have to sit in the muddy fact that I am either unloved because I am unlovable or unloved because I am too intimidating for the people presently around me.

Somethings got to give, and I hope it gives sooner, rather than later.

Loose Marbles, Pinball Even

This has been bouncing around my fucking brain since the horrors have been poured into it, so I finally asked the question “why don’t she/her/him/they fight back?” Google didn’t disappoint. Im sorry again, but my head is a jungle of tales about rape and incest and I can’t seem to navigate it other than to come here and attempt to pour it all out on these web pages. What the fuck do I tell a therapist?! These are thoughts I do not control. THey’re just IN HERE for some reason, I’m being told them.

Whatever, this isn’t about me…

She died.

I can’t imagine what you’re going through, what you’ve gone through.

If the horrors are real, and what they said is true, I’m sorry for your loss, and I apologize for anything I’ve said or done that’s made you uncomfortable or worse.

Not asking you to see my perspective in all these things and more, just know I’m sorry, and I don’t mean to cause you harm.

The Beaches

Went to a concert tonight, and had the unfortunate pleasure of standing behind a girl that had a hairstyle similar to yours when I knew you.

She was being cute with her friends and I thought about you doing that, dancing like that.

Fuck.

Ironically, it’s appropriate for the theme of the convent/music.

She had a similar build too, although I imagine she was a bit taller than you, from what I remember. Still, it was a great show, and I’m glad I went out.

It was a challenge at first with the voices and all that but still good, after I got past that.

Glad I didn’t smoke weed.

This should be on Twitter

The voices in my head comment about me getting an erection and watching porn.

This blog isn’t really about you.

Whoever they’re comparing me to, is either a homosexual or impotent.

They, sometimes, beg me to “not get it up” and go on and on about some person coming out of the closet when I do.

I mean of course I ignore them and go about getting my rocks off but what the fuck is a therapist going to tell me about this?

“Do you feel shame?”

“No.”

“Were you abused?”

“No.”

“Would you like to increase your medication?”

Everything but getting to the root of these ideations.

Tiring.

A few days off

Voices are kicking my ass. Today wasn’t too bad but they’re saying I’m the only person in the world that can tell you “I love you more,” which is something I think I agree with.

But if I’m wrong I’m wrong.

You have your life, I have mine.

But I took a few days off from work. One day as a birthday present to myself, another day to just relax.

I got asked to show up for a meeting at a local bookstore, so I’m thinking I stop by the liquor store and maybe show my face there for a second too.

I really want to pre-game for this concert, but I don’t want to wake up with a hangover, and at the same time I’d love to forget that I’ve been dealing with these voices for the last few weeks, but having the smell of alcohol come off my skin sounds like a bad hit, no bueno.

What else is there even left to say?

Gambling

Voices say you’re making bets with people on whether or not I’ll post something.

Mildly annoying.