Just like AW

Voices say you’re just like ABWJr, and when they say that I think they mean that you have an incestuous relationship with your parents/family members.

Voices say you never wanted me to know that, but if that’s the case you’re more compatible with him than you are with me, and yet if that’s true, then it’s also true that you’d rather stay where you are with your parent rather than venture off somewhere to start a new life. But also if you did go somewhere said parent would still be able to find you. Like that song “Poor Leno” by Royksopp.

I don’t know what to make of all of this. I’m certain in how I feel, and I’m certain that if I can’t be with you in any capacity, that means I have to try and find a way to move on, and I’ve been trying to do that, I feel as if I’m constantly trying to do that.

ABWJr has or had a smoking hot gf/wife the last timE I saw him in church, so I wonder if he was introduced to this person by his incestuous parent, maybe the same is said for you.

Whatever.

Pencil

Stabbed a dude with a pencil in the show I’m watching.

Honestly, it’s the logical thing to do given the scene, but because of my recent mania my thoughts return to you.

To us in New York.

When you asked “if you got into a fight right now, what would you do?”

And to this day I don’t know if that meant you were going to fight me or introduce me to someone that wanted to fight me.

I remember seeing that text look like Morse code, but the voices keep saying you “become an ape.”

Sounds like losing control of yourself.

Anyway, back to the show.

Serious relationship

The person the voices in my head describe you as doesn’t sound like they are ready for a “serious relationship.”

Constantly being “playful” and “changing their name”

Unable to secure a divorce from their husband.

Feces eating, or playing with feces.

Would prefer to be around or at least unwilling to leave their “father”

Has no friends/support network and seems unwilling to build one.

And from whatever else I know or don’t know, why bring this person up at all?

I just wonder if we’re so incompatible what’s the sense in you being on my mind 24/7, why d I have to feel and be in so much emotional turmoil?

I get that I can’t control my hallucinations but I am taking my medication and I am not getting any better so what the fuck gives?

What else is out there?

Yu-Gi-Oh

Back in classic yugioh there was a sub story/card class about survivors from the “Different Dimesion.”

It’s pretty much post apocalyptic but seeing as you are the “last person on earth” I thought this card, representing me, was significant. Of course however the character is a white blonde man but voices said you’d have also preferred someone from Europe to have “survived the apocalypse” instead of an American.

What the fuck ever:

Website with more info on Different Dimension Cards (not that anyone cares): https://yugioh.fandom.com/wiki/D.D.

Despite all of my rage

I am still a rat in a cage.

All of your justifications and explanations for the horrors you present to me, Steinar, come late, on the shores of ears that wish to be deafened, eyes that wish to be blinded.

Another message for Steinar

Because I hear you in my psychosis saying

“Know why you don’t want your wife? Because I would want one”

What was the fucking point in all of this?

If you were this much of a monster why do any work to hide it? Why embrace me? Why am I still living if all of these hallucinations are small facets of the truth?

What the fuck is happening to me

This is why-

This is why we can’t have nice things.

It’s just a power vacuum of people not allowing one another to have what they want or be happy with what they have.

Someone “pulling the strings” or rather “turning the dials” to warp and twist our perceptions of reality, to make the known unknown or force us into “unthinkable” calamity.

They are correct when they say “If Daniel Fairclough knew, he would kill someone”

I don’t think I’d kill one person however, I think I’d murder everyone I could get my hands on.

You’re the last person on Earth

And somehow that translates to you being the last person on Earth to get what you want.

Voices keep saying you are shit to get/do whatever you want, but if you go somewhere there’s someone that always finds you, your “father” and this relates somehow to you still using that same phone number, or at least that’s what’s displayed on your employee profile: the phone number to your fathers Nokia.

I wonder if you/he is still using that old brick too. They were/are marvelously study.

The voices in my head are like, fighting to give me a better life, and they keep going “I WANT TO KNOW MORE!” And this somehow is in regards to you.

They say when I was growing up no one wanted me because ABWJr “turned all the way up” and declared he was homosexual, and he’s been going back and forth with MSF to figure out who he really was/is or if he was actually me.

All this and more surrounds me.

The voices ebb and flow like the tide.

I’m gonna go have another beer.

Black Metal

The things you do to “never be included” in “Black Metal” are the things that are supposed to inspire Black Metal.

In my head, Black Metal talks about the absurdities and injustices in the world, but before they can get inspiration to write their music, they have to see someone or perceive someone performing the acts.

Unfortunately, it appears that Black Metal isn’t inspired to speak out on these atrocities, just because they exist, instead it tortures people to perform them before the music can find its voice.

The long con.

i.e.

it wants the daughter to suck her fathers penis to get inspiration to make the song.

It wants the stranger to be murdered to get inspiration to make the song.

I’d even go as far to say not only does the Black Metal artist want it to happen, they want to be there at the scene of the crime, when it happens, they want to witness it.

Terrible.

FYI

I did look.

I did see you “going down on” the Chinese food box, but I don’t know if I saw Steinar’s penis or if you were sucking off spare ribs.

I saw you brush your teeth and spit after too.

Voices say you only did it because you wanted to die, but what the hell do I know?!

Murder

Voices say you were in on the plot to kill me when I met your parents.

That if I was “anyone else” I would’ve been murdered in that hostel/inn room to inspire black metal.

Now, however, I get all these voices in my head talking about suicide or me being a “martyr” so if I had died then wouldn’t everyone had gotten what they wanted?

None of this makes any sense to me.

“Only me”

Voices go: “Only Daniel Fairclough would be able to say something like that now”

And if you have become some grotesque abomination, please, someone show me.

Something tangible, like I’ve been doing. Picture, video, audio.

Help a brother out.

While I’m still in a good mood…

What I hate the most about myself is that I still think of you fondly, even the “new” you.

I keep thinking of ways I’d care for you, I keep holding space for you in my head which is ultimately my heart.

After that last post I hallucinated a voice saying “if I had an Instagram you’d be blocked” and, while that is a fair, if not, reasonably reality, I also see us talking again, laughing, caring about what’s happening in one another’s lives.

And I don’t know what to call this other than the all encompassing term, “love.”

It’s just here for you, whenever you want it, and maybe it will always be here for you, because as damn hard as I try to push past it I always seem to find myself confronted by it in one way or another.

It doesn’t suck that I love you.

What sucks is that you don’t love me back.

Consume Urine and Feces

Voices keep saying you only cook Howard feces and urine to eat, and he doesn’t know how to take care of himself, or hold down a job.

I think, a situation like that is no place for a child, let alone a grown man.

Voices also say “that’s the opposite” over and over again, but to everything. I know I’ve said this before but I stopped trying to decide what’s the “truth” in all of my hallucinating.

They recently said that last email exchange, where you said you’d spread “racism” about me was “the opposite,” which I didn’t expect to hear, because I had been using those words, remembering those words to ground me in reality, to try and prevent or stifle my “natural,” “warm and fuzzy” feelings for you.

I feel like an Olympic ping pong ball.

High hopes

I should t be hopeful, with everything that I know, but the voices make it sound like it’s the opposite.

I know what I should be thinking and believing, that I’ll never see or speak to you again, but it’s like my brain is tricking itself to “be positive” or think “maybe someday” when you have made it abundantly clear that the inverse is true.

Why is this happening?

Why am I like this?